There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

LET HIM SORT OUT STUFF

... except he isn't, is he? He's just expecting/assuming that @mummy917 will do it for him, as she has done throughout their marriage.

Exactly. He needs to learn that she won't!

It's on him if things don't get done, he shouldn't be enabled to do bugger all.

If he got a fine from the DVLA because he didn't change the address on his driving licence, it would serve him right.

I think it's really hard to stop doing all the thinking for someone else, when you've been forced into that position by their inability/unwillingness to do for themselves! That habit takes a while to break. OP has been conditioned to do all the thinking, to protect him from 'danger' , not least because her children rely on him for their care. It's a big thing to just let the chips fall where they may and get used to it not being her problem.

I wouldn’t cover for the potties. We trained my kids quite slowly to be honest, the make a push for it in a weekend didn’t work, because especially the youngest happily wee trained but did not train for poos at all, so after you’ve had a few poos in pants and associated clean up, you’re pretty over it. Not having a potty for a few days won’t cancel the training process, the instincts come.

Just caught up on replies. I’d much rather just let him crack on and not have to remind him about anything as he’s been a parent for almost a decade now. However, when he’s not stepped up as a parent while we were married, I picked up that extra slack so the kids weren’t affected. I agree I shouldn’t be doing it, but when the alternative is that the kids’ needs would have gone unmet, I have done what I thought was right.

Im thinking you have always done the right thing for your children, and will continue to do so, but now is the time to do what is right for you, if it means picking up the slack, then so be it, but please don’t let him make an idiot out of you…. You are worth so much more than that, he calls you controlling, I call that warrior mum!!

And this is how they trap us, eyes open, because we’ll put the kids first. There We Are Then.

I have been following all of your threads and want to say what a fab job you are doing. Anything I say here I say out of kindness even if it doesn’t come across that way. You are the only one doing any actual parenting here. You keep enabling him to not provide things for the kids. And his Mum is picking up the slack.
He has probably been dipping his wick for a while now, letting wifey carry on as normal. Then he thinks he can leave the family home to continue this exciting new life. But it’s ok as wifey will pick up the pieces as always. But I want 50/50 so I don’t have to pay child support. But I can still pick them up and drop them off early/late as wifey will pick up the pieces again. I won’t have to buy essentials as wifey will provide them. It’s clear she still loves me so I can get away with it. And on a Monday and Tuesday I can go and live this exciting new life. Gosh I am such a clever man.
Please please stop enabling him. Your kids needs are met when he is with you. They won’t remember in 20 years if they had a potty at Daddy’s house. But they will remember the love you gave them, the fact you provided everything for them whilst they were with you.
I don’t know the guy but I have met plenty like him. They go through life always needing a woman be it their Mum, wife or bit on the side.
For your own peace of mind keep contact to an absolute minimum. There was no need to message him about a parking fine. Just pop any post in with the kids stuff for handover. And if it still keeps coming - return to sender. I worry that you still need/want contact with him to prove how much of a good wife and Mum you are so he will rethink his decision.
You are doing amazing but now it’s time to put your big girl pants on

He is clearly not organised and is struggling with his new load, there doesn't need to be intent with someone like him, he still doesn't get the load his wife was carrying and in the overwhelm stage he may well make mistakes that impact the OP.

Understanding this, which the OP clearly does, she can anticipate and protect where possible. Just like she has with the backpacks and potty training. She is addressing the reality and not waiting to firefight.

Divorces frequently get nasty and if she can minimise any issues, she is wise to do so, and it sounds like she is switched on in this respect. In fact I would go so far as to say that she is a very strong woman and whilst she may not realise it, she is doing very well with a load, many would falter under.

Dear @mummy917
You are doing really well. Keep on keeping on.

You might want to read the 2 previous threads.
I very much doubt OP is in anyway “controlling”. What she is is in control of sorting 4 kids & her own new circumstances with a Twattoo of a husband who fecked off to enjoy his midlife crisis. That takes some organising, surviving and furious paddling beneath the surface. And he is sure as shit just coasting along doing no organising.

Oh, I have done, believe me!

Getting used to being the organiser, the preparer, the one who thinks ahead, is not being controlling.

I mean, yes. You can live life on the hop, spontaneously and joyfully winging it. But you end up with kids who don’t know what a good routine feels like, are regularly disappointed when they get to the seaside and have to leave early because no one packed sunscreen/snacks. Or they get to ‘enjoy’ the beach sunburned.
It’s one thing for an adult to live without planning, just dealing with the consequences. It’s completely different when 4 small children are being tugged along as well.

I have always had a list of bills in my phone so I knew every month what was coming out and I’ve got a written record of what was in mine, his or both of our names.

Admin Superwoman! 😍

There's a world of difference between organised and controlling.

ridiculous

As far as I can tell @mummy917 is simply doing what you're meant to do when you split and there are children involved.

She's putting the children's needs first. She trying to prioritise a coparenting relationship while also detaching from ex which is...uh tricky.

The urge to let everything crash down when she steps back is understandable but isn't going to help get that cool neutral coparenting thing going quickly is it? Exdh had shown quite clearly he'll let it impact the children and I wouldn't let wee ones suffer for the sake of it if I could anticipate the gaps. It's not about exdh as much as putting the children's needs first.

Well I see that you didn't like my response to your nasty post. OP puts her DC first and anticipates their needs. It's ingrained in her and like any good parent, it will be almost impossible to put that aside and allow their needs go unmet when they are with Twattoo. I honestly don't see how you can claim to have read both threads and come to the above conclusion.

One thing I learned when H and I split was that he was quite happy to let me facilitate his time with the kids, making sure that they had clothes, school uniform, towels, toiletries etc every time they went. He'd even ask me to drop them off as he was just so busy and did I have anything for their tea as he hadn't been shopping 🙄. Then one time I did it, I got a parking ticket of £70 as I had to take them up in the lift in the building to his flat, and he flat refused to give me half. That was the day I stopped doing anything to help him. And the kids survived... it nearly broke me doing it though.

You need to drop the ball because you're still effectively doing the wife work for him. It's new to you, and it's tough thinking your kids will bear the consequences but he's never going to learn to parent on his own if you're still arranging everything for him behind the scenes. Stop messaging him and sort out a shared google calendar so you can put all the information onto that about the kids/school/nursery/dentist/doctor etc. That saved my sanity.

Being controlling in a relationship is doing things like not allowing partner access to shared money, telling them what to wear, who they can see, how they should speak, what hobbies they can/can't do etc.

Being good parent is trying to work as an equal team to be organised for your children, sharing the load and being an adult. You are doing a great job OP! Ignore the people who think that a bit of feedback from one parent to another is 'controlling' - they have obviously never been in a controlling relationship.

You've done brilliantly and it's way too soon for people to be suggesting you should completely drop the responsibility for what happens to your children when with their dad.

You can start to phase that out, but so far keep up with the good work!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and if @AlphaBravoGammaperceives what I’ve done/doing as controlling then fair enough.

I am trying to do what’s best for the kids and myself in this horrible situation that none of us asked to be put into. I’m not saying I’ll never mess up along the way but keeping things as stable as I can for the kids is all I want to do.

I’ll look into the google calendar, that sounds like a really good idea to keep things organised on both sides 😊

Maybe it's time to step away from this thread a bit and find your way without all the input?

It's your life, your family, and your decision to do what works best for your children! I was in a similar situation, and at the time I did a lot to facilitate ex having my son, and my friends regularly told me off for 'doing too much', saying it was his responsibility as a parent and I shouldn't be propping him up. I totally understood where they were coming from and appreciated they were looking out for me, but I did what I thought was best for my son at the time and I don't regret it.

We didn't do 50/50 at the time, we do now, and he's mostly responsible 😂 More importantly, my son is and always has been happy, and he has a great relationship with his dad, but he does know mum is the one he can rely on 100%. We have a decent co-parenting relationship now as well.

Also, @mummy917 , you're much better than I was early on at setting boundaries (time he returns them etc), you're smashing it!