I think he doesn’t want me to leave my things in his house?

doddlerrs · 2025-01-11T15:11:18+00:00

So I left a small drawstring bag in my BF’s house with underwear, a change of clothes, sanitary products and a deodorant. Just in case. Never needed to use it. Now that he is about to move houses he gave the bag back for me to take home. He will pay for professional movers to pack and move all his furniture and his stuff so I asked him (joking) if my small bag is too much or too heavy for the movers? He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked… Then a week later when he got the keys to the new house, he told me that he took 3 round trips bringing his personal stuff that he did not want the movers to pack/carry. This was his plan all along though, I even remember trying to reason with him. What is the point of paying £££ for professional packers and movers if you have to do round trips yourself! So I thought to myself, sure my very small and light drawstring bag could be added to his trips rather than giving it back to me if it was true he was concerned about the movers not packing it properly?? I can’t help but think he doesn’t want my things in his new house and that is his way of saying it? BTW the new house is 3x bigger. More storage. And he is not getting rid of almost anything. Only broken stuff. This is odd, isn’t it?

MoetUndChandon · 11/01/2025 15:21

It's not that odd, I wouldn't want a guy I was seeing leaving a bag of stuff here permanently. Seems presumptuous somehow.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 11/01/2025 15:37

How long have you been together?
It took over a year for us to start leaving things at each other's homes.
It does look as though he's found a way to not have your things in his home. Not very subtle! What does it say about how he sees the relationship he has with you?

Original poster

doddlerrs · 11/01/2025 15:40

MoetUndChandon · 11/01/2025 15:21

It's not that odd, I wouldn't want a guy I was seeing leaving a bag of stuff here permanently. Seems presumptuous somehow.

Fair enough but what is even the point of being in a relationship then?

It was a small bag of necessities.
And I had this idea because once I got my periods while there and had nothing with me as I was not expecting it and another time, I got absolutely soaky wet and muddy (an accident) and went home wearing his pjs.

It is a really small compact bag.
And he has a 2 bedroom house for himself and is moving to a bigger one.

And in any case….I’d rather he tell me the truth about not wanting me to leave stuff there than come up with ridiculous excuses.

He didn’t even say I’m welcome to bring the stuff back to the new house so it tells me that like you, he doesn’t want my stuff there…I just would rather him be honest about it.

OP posts:

Wolfpa · 11/01/2025 15:41

I think you are reading too much into this . How long have you been together for?

Original poster

doddlerrs · 11/01/2025 15:42

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 11/01/2025 15:37

How long have you been together?
It took over a year for us to start leaving things at each other's homes.
It does look as though he's found a way to not have your things in his home. Not very subtle! What does it say about how he sees the relationship he has with you?

It is been 14 months and we are in an exclusive and monogamous relationship and see each other often and consistently.

No talks of merging lives because that is not what I want so he know very well there is zero chance I’m trying to ‘move in’ stealthly.

I’m kinda pissed now.

OP posts:

IrritableVowel · 11/01/2025 15:45

Do you drive to his? Leave your bag in the car if so.

Or ask him if he minds you leaving the bag in his new place.

I think your reasons for having supplies there make sense, and it's a bit weird of him if he doesn't want you to, but better to ask and find out either way.

midgetastic · 11/01/2025 15:47

Think you are reading too much into this - He didn't want it to get lost in the move ? It's not his stuff it's yours after all

IslandPier · 11/01/2025 15:50

I don’t think your BF is doing anything wrong, I would actually appreciate being given my small very personal bag back rather than having movers handling it. Sounds like it’s change of underwear and tampons emergency type bag, I wouldn’t want strangers picking it up or losing it.

tribpot · 11/01/2025 15:50

I would have given it back to you so that it didn't get lost in the move, and so I didn't have to upend every box looking for it if you suddenly needed it. Now he's moved in, I would ask if it's okay to bring it back.

80s · 11/01/2025 15:52

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…
What he did does seem like the easiest way to make sure your things are with you and don't go missing. If you just got the vibe that it was an excuse, though, why not ask him? E.g. in a normal, casual tone: "Are you not keen on me leaving things here, cos I can bring them over everytime if you prefer"

If he had other gfs coming over and didn't want them to see your stuff there, or if he just found your stuff annoying, then he would have come up with an excuse that meant you never left your things there, wouldn't he? Not an excuse that just covered the week he was moving.

CoffeeGood · 11/01/2025 15:52

I think you are reading too much into it. Most blokes don't think that hard. He's simply thought, "Oh, that's doddlerrs bag, better not get that lost, she'll get cross", and then he's given it back to you. It won't have crossed his mind to take it with his personal stuff. It's yours, it's now safe back with you. If you want it back at his, just take it, he won't think to invite you to take the bag back again as he has now stoppped even thinking about the said bag. End of. I'm sure it's nothing deeper, his mind will be full of random moving stuff involving his things and I think if you bring it up with him he'll be like, "Huh, what bag, why wouldn't you bring it to mine again, what's on the TV...?!".

Quitelikeit · 11/01/2025 15:53

You are being ridiculous- moving is stressful enough without having to deal with your possessions too

It is totally normal not to entrust the movers with your most treasured possessions- common sense really

build a bridge and stop busting his balls over something ridiculous or at least communicate to him that you feel unwanted

CheeseTime · 11/01/2025 15:56

When you’re moving you spend weeks making piles of stuff in various categories. That was just stuff he could hand back and then not have to factor in. YABU.

Arlanymor · 11/01/2025 15:56

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…

I would take him at his word. It's stressful enough moving house - he probably thought it was common sense to return your stuff to you for the time being while he gets himself sorted. I realised yesterday that I don't know where something is that I had from the time before the last time I moved and it's driving me nuts - I honestly think he was just being pragmatic. Don't read more into it - wait and see what happens when he is settled and you suggest reinstating it - that's the point at which his intentions will be clear. For now you're overthinking it.

Original poster

doddlerrs · 11/01/2025 15:57

IrritableVowel · 11/01/2025 15:45

Do you drive to his? Leave your bag in the car if so.

Or ask him if he minds you leaving the bag in his new place.

I think your reasons for having supplies there make sense, and it's a bit weird of him if he doesn't want you to, but better to ask and find out either way.

No I go by public transport

I asked if I could leave the bag there, I didn’t just do it…

OP posts:

hopeishere · 11/01/2025 15:59

I think what he's done is reasonable. Next time you're staying over bring it back and ask "ok to leave this here" and see what he says.

I'd a friend who tried to leave stuff in her boyfriends and every time he gave it back to her. That's a red flag.

devilspawn · 11/01/2025 16:01

The only thing that's odd about it is your reaction to it.

AnonAnonmystery · 11/01/2025 16:01

Have you asked if you can bring the bag back? That will tell you all you need to know. I don’t think you are being unreasonable to want a bag of personal stuff to make you feel fresh the morning after. We after a year myself and dp had own drawers and wardrobe space at each others home as well as multiple toiletries. It really should not be a big deal unless there are other issues.

StormingNorman · 11/01/2025 16:02

You are coming across as feeling a bit entitled by listing all the reasons why you should be allowed to leave a bag there: he’s got plenty of space etc. The long and short of it is that he doesn’t want you leaving your stuff there.

Some men this as moving in by stealth and will be vigilant about it! You need to respect his boundaries on this one. His house, his rules.

Original poster

doddlerrs · 11/01/2025 16:02

IslandPier · 11/01/2025 15:50

I don’t think your BF is doing anything wrong, I would actually appreciate being given my small very personal bag back rather than having movers handling it. Sounds like it’s change of underwear and tampons emergency type bag, I wouldn’t want strangers picking it up or losing it.

But he could have taken it with his personal stuff that he did in 3 trips?

Also since when packers and movers open people’s stuff or even lose it?

I don’t mind if some randon people see my knickers and tampons although it wad very well folded inside the outfit. What packer/mover would have time to open the bag, take the contents out, unfold it, examn it?

Also he will be there inspecting AND the bag is now in his guest bedrooms so it would be thrown in one of the 2nd bedroom boxes.

Maybe I’m overthinking but the point is: he is moving soon and so far has not packed or prepared anything at all but somehow is worried about my very small and very light drawstring bag.

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 11/01/2025 16:05

Doesn’t matter how small and light it is so stop labouring the point. He doesn’t want you leaving your stuff at his house. He’s not reached that stage in your relationship yet.

Original poster

doddlerrs · 11/01/2025 16:06

80s · 11/01/2025 15:52

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…
What he did does seem like the easiest way to make sure your things are with you and don't go missing. If you just got the vibe that it was an excuse, though, why not ask him? E.g. in a normal, casual tone: "Are you not keen on me leaving things here, cos I can bring them over everytime if you prefer"

If he had other gfs coming over and didn't want them to see your stuff there, or if he just found your stuff annoying, then he would have come up with an excuse that meant you never left your things there, wouldn't he? Not an excuse that just covered the week he was moving.

Edited

TBH if he says I can’t leave a very small bag in his place it is game over for me. So I will definitely ask again although he is the type that never gives straightforward yes or no answers so maybe that is why I’m overthinking.

It seems like he has a roundabout way of saying things and I’m just now picking up on that.

OP posts:

AnonAnonmystery · 11/01/2025 16:07

StormingNorman · 11/01/2025 16:02

You are coming across as feeling a bit entitled by listing all the reasons why you should be allowed to leave a bag there: he’s got plenty of space etc. The long and short of it is that he doesn’t want you leaving your stuff there.

Some men this as moving in by stealth and will be vigilant about it! You need to respect his boundaries on this one. His house, his rules.

I really don’t think it’s entitled to leave a small bag over. I mean he’s her boyfriend, she’s not asking for wardrobe space or bringing loads of stuff over. It’s horrible to come on one’s period and have no suitable knickers and pads ect. @doddlerrs how is he when you visit, do you feel comfortable in his home? How does he make you feel?

OurDreamLife · 11/01/2025 16:10

He doesn’t want you having any stuff there at all. Is even a toothbrush off the cards? Do you have to take a bag every time you stay over?

On a side note I paid for movers but also took a lot in the car in the days immediately after I got the keys. It was personal and breakable stuff that I didn’t want to risk damaging or losing. I can’t understand why you’re pushing this as an issue over the sake of a drawstring bag.

devilspawn · 11/01/2025 16:11

doddlerrs · 11/01/2025 16:06

TBH if he says I can’t leave a very small bag in his place it is game over for me. So I will definitely ask again although he is the type that never gives straightforward yes or no answers so maybe that is why I’m overthinking.

It seems like he has a roundabout way of saying things and I’m just now picking up on that.

Show quote history

I couldn't stand that kind of ultimatum.

It's my house, I don't want random stuff in it from other people, it doesn't matter who they are. And if they cared about my feelings they'd respect that.

If you need stuff you should remember to bring it with you and take it back with you, it's not a storage unit or a way to avoid confronting your own personal organisational failings.

If you want to live with him put your big girl pants on and ask. You seem to be using this random bag of personal belongings as a gauge for how seriously he takes your relationship and what he thinks of you, which is just mad.

In 3 years' time when you still aren't living together are you going to be crying on a friend's shoulder wailing, "buttt he let me keep my bagg thereeeee" as if it's a marriage certificate