Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think he doesn’t want me to leave my things in his house?

290 replies

doddlerrs · 11/01/2025 15:11

So I left a small drawstring bag in my BF’s house with underwear, a change of clothes, sanitary products and a deodorant.

Just in case. Never needed to use it.

Now that he is about to move houses he gave the bag back for me to take home.

He will pay for professional movers to pack and move all his furniture and his stuff so I asked him (joking) if my small bag is too much or too heavy for the movers?

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…

Then a week later when he got the keys to the new house, he told me that he took 3 round trips bringing his personal stuff that he did not want the movers to pack/carry. This was his plan all along though, I even remember trying to reason with him. What is the point of paying £££ for professional packers and movers if you have to do round trips yourself!
So I thought to myself, sure my very small and light drawstring bag could be added to his trips rather than giving it back to me if it was true he was concerned about the movers not packing it properly??

I can’t help but think he doesn’t want my things in his new house and that is his way of saying it?

BTW the new house is 3x bigger. More storage.
And he is not getting rid of almost anything. Only broken stuff.

This is odd, isn’t it?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/01/2025 23:17

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 14:43

No because during other bank holiday weekends he never mentioned concern about public transport being crowded and it never stopped us doing activities but on this particular one suddenly it was a problem and what a coincidence: the place I invited him is not on his list of selected few.

Also you probably don’t live in London because the excuse about a crowded teavel on a Thursday before a Friday before a weekend before Monday bank holiday is BS.

Show quote history

Why are you using the phrase "the place I invited him to"? Surely if you're a couple you decide where you're going on dates as a couple . There is no "inviting" after the first couple of dates, surely?

Again, it just smacks of you needing a companion for your chosen activity.

MrsMoastyToasty · 12/01/2025 23:19

I'm wondering if he doesn't want you "marking your terrority " with personal belongings because he has a wife or girlfriend.

Same reason for not wanting to meet on Thursday . Wife or girlfriend is around.

Original poster
doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 23:55

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/01/2025 23:12

See, I find that odd. When you're dating surely you decide the day you're going to meet up first, and then where you're going after that, rather than the other way round? Whereas it seemed that you decided that you needed a companion for that particular Thursday activity that you'd decided was going to be this pizza place, asked him first, he turned you down, so you asked someone else instead. Which is wierd. Or did it not happen like that?

It comes across that rather than you see him as a partner he is just someone who fulfils the role of accompanying you on these activities you decide to do. As others have said you sound slightly rigid in your way of doing things, and want him to fall in with your way, and I wonder if you've ever given him the impression that you've been annoyed when he doesn't want to to something of your choosing, and now he doesn't feel he can be totally honest?

Because with the pizza thing, surely it would go like this:

"Oh, I was reading about this place which does different pizza slices for a set price, do you fancy going sometime?"

"Not sure, I'm fussy with my pizza now, having pizza in Naples a couple of years ago ruined most UK pizza for me. Does that make me sound like a terrible snob?"

And then you both laugh. "It does a bit yeah ha ha. No worries, I'll go with a friend another time, and let you know what I think. Where do you want to go this week instead then?"

I don't know, it's just the whole relationship sounds..........a bit outside the usual way of discussing/doing things.

Even the bag thing, he did 3 round trips carrying his personal belongings to the new place - did it occur to you to ask him while talking about the move plans if one of your meetups could be to help him move the personal stuff over, if that's how he wanted to do it? You could have shown an interest in the flat and said how you were looking forward to seeing it and you could accompany him on one of his visits to move stuff over. Instead it sounds like you gave him a lecture in how daft it was that he was moving stuff himself when he was paying movers to do it.

It just all sounds ever so slightly controlling. Like you want to do things your way or no way.

Show quote history

See, I find that odd. When you're dating surely you decide the day you're going to meet up first, and then where you're going after that, rather than the other way round?

It was a one spontaneous idea/invitation.
It is not always like this.

What a crazy assumption.

did it occur to you to ask him while talking about the move plans if one of your meetups could be to help him move the personal stuff over, if that's how he wanted to do it?

No I work and have a life. He is a grown man and he was already paying for packers and movers. He decided to do 3 trips.
I lived in 3 different countries and moved many times. In the last 20 years I moved times. I always pack everything myself, pay for the men with van and carry my personal belongings myself same day. It is not that hard.
And I spent months doing house viewing with him too. That was my help.

Oh maybe I should have dropped my whole life to pack and move his whole house myself! Ah and not have any spontaneous ideas for dates too.

OP posts:
Original poster
doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 23:57

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/01/2025 23:17

Why are you using the phrase "the place I invited him to"? Surely if you're a couple you decide where you're going on dates as a couple . There is no "inviting" after the first couple of dates, surely?

Again, it just smacks of you needing a companion for your chosen activity.

Show quote history

Jesus!!!!
Do you never ever invite anyone to anything???????

I heard of this place and invited him to come with me since we dont usually meet on Thursdays and I sure as hell was going to go on that Thursday with or without him.

Give up people.

Go find another thread

OP posts:
BCSurvivor · 13/01/2025 00:07

OP, when looking at your replies to @CurlyhairedAssassin you have spectacularly missed the point she was making by being so literal with your interpretation.
And as for your dismissive "I work and have a life" .... you've just spent an entire thread obsessing over a bag and a declined pizza date!

InWalksBarberalla · 13/01/2025 00:18

doddlerrs · 12/01/2025 23:07

Is not about not seeing me

Is the lack of ability to say ‘I dont want it thepizza from that place’

and then insult my inteligence with a silly excuse

Show quote history

You do seem quite black and white in your thinking.
I don't see the pizza Thurs traffic thing as a silly excuse at all. It probably didn't appeal to him initially for a range reasons (some potentially fuzzy at the time) and he focused on the traffic as in its a hassle to do for something he's not that keen on. If he was keen on the pizza he might not have thought about the traffic at all.
However that doesn't mean he was lying or has issues communicating though - that's just how our brains work sometimes.

woofity · 13/01/2025 00:59

The core of this is @doddlerrs senses (Rightly IMO) that this man is not very into her and the bag/house move is just the latest example in this issue and it's come to a head.

You could dress it up as a communication issue but I don't think that's the problem.

Take the pizza example, @doddlerrs knows people make up social excuses (lies if you are being excessively judgmental; white lies if less so; social niceties if not) to get out of stuff. The pizza is a good example of this.

He didn't want to go to that place because a) he's snobby about his pizza and b) [this is the big reason that's bugging @doddlerrs ] it shows he wasn't that bothered about seeing @doddlerrs . If he really loved her/liked her/was keen on her, he'd say 'do you know what I'm very fussy about my pizza but if you'd like to go and you'd enjoy it, I'll come with you.'.

He didn't say that. It wasn't on his radar. More important was that he didn't want to go. If he just says 'I don't want to go because I only eat gourmet pizza in Milan' he is showing his hand, not just as an irrational pizza snob, but someone who is not actually that fussed about spending time with @doddlerrs or doing something with her that she is keen on or would like to do, even if he's not keen. I mean it's eating pizza FFS.

Let's put it this way, if Angelina Jolie (or whoever his celeb crush is) pitched up on his doorstep NOtting Hill film style and said, come for pizza at this place on Thursday, I'm guessing the traffic or the pizza is not going to be an issue.

He's 'white lie' /'social nicety' excuses here aren't the problem. The problem is they reveal a deeper lack of love or care or interest - basically neither early promise of something more nor existence of it in a developed form.

Depends like I said what @doddlerrs wants. Plenty of people especially with adult children are happy with a convenient as-and-when partner for a few dates, cuddles and sex and companionship without anything too serious. A glorified FWB +++ if you will. If that works for you fine. If it doesn't time to bail I say.

None of this is about the bag, the pizza or communication style. It's about the bigger picture.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 13/01/2025 07:03

woofity · 13/01/2025 00:59

The core of this is @doddlerrs senses (Rightly IMO) that this man is not very into her and the bag/house move is just the latest example in this issue and it's come to a head.

You could dress it up as a communication issue but I don't think that's the problem.

Take the pizza example, @doddlerrs knows people make up social excuses (lies if you are being excessively judgmental; white lies if less so; social niceties if not) to get out of stuff. The pizza is a good example of this.

He didn't want to go to that place because a) he's snobby about his pizza and b) [this is the big reason that's bugging @doddlerrs ] it shows he wasn't that bothered about seeing @doddlerrs . If he really loved her/liked her/was keen on her, he'd say 'do you know what I'm very fussy about my pizza but if you'd like to go and you'd enjoy it, I'll come with you.'.

He didn't say that. It wasn't on his radar. More important was that he didn't want to go. If he just says 'I don't want to go because I only eat gourmet pizza in Milan' he is showing his hand, not just as an irrational pizza snob, but someone who is not actually that fussed about spending time with @doddlerrs or doing something with her that she is keen on or would like to do, even if he's not keen. I mean it's eating pizza FFS.

Let's put it this way, if Angelina Jolie (or whoever his celeb crush is) pitched up on his doorstep NOtting Hill film style and said, come for pizza at this place on Thursday, I'm guessing the traffic or the pizza is not going to be an issue.

He's 'white lie' /'social nicety' excuses here aren't the problem. The problem is they reveal a deeper lack of love or care or interest - basically neither early promise of something more nor existence of it in a developed form.

Depends like I said what @doddlerrs wants. Plenty of people especially with adult children are happy with a convenient as-and-when partner for a few dates, cuddles and sex and companionship without anything too serious. A glorified FWB +++ if you will. If that works for you fine. If it doesn't time to bail I say.

None of this is about the bag, the pizza or communication style. It's about the bigger picture.

Yes, this is spot on!!

burnoutbabe · 13/01/2025 08:21

Yes agree with @woofity its examples of a bigger picture.

But also potential a miscommunication and as soon as he moved and you visit with bag, it goes back in the spair room with zero problem.

baileys6904 · 13/01/2025 08:28

Honestly, you're blaming his communication, but yours just seems very defensive and as such, not that's great for subjects that may be sensitive to you?

Have you been hurt in the past? Perhaps you have some trauma associated from the past that you need to address? And I say that as someone that's had some fucked up experiences of my own which definitely shape my responses even years later. I definitely get triggered by things that others may see as nothing, but that's something I need to change my thinking about.

Arlanymor · 13/01/2025 10:45

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/01/2025 23:12

See, I find that odd. When you're dating surely you decide the day you're going to meet up first, and then where you're going after that, rather than the other way round? Whereas it seemed that you decided that you needed a companion for that particular Thursday activity that you'd decided was going to be this pizza place, asked him first, he turned you down, so you asked someone else instead. Which is wierd. Or did it not happen like that?

It comes across that rather than you see him as a partner he is just someone who fulfils the role of accompanying you on these activities you decide to do. As others have said you sound slightly rigid in your way of doing things, and want him to fall in with your way, and I wonder if you've ever given him the impression that you've been annoyed when he doesn't want to to something of your choosing, and now he doesn't feel he can be totally honest?

Because with the pizza thing, surely it would go like this:

"Oh, I was reading about this place which does different pizza slices for a set price, do you fancy going sometime?"

"Not sure, I'm fussy with my pizza now, having pizza in Naples a couple of years ago ruined most UK pizza for me. Does that make me sound like a terrible snob?"

And then you both laugh. "It does a bit yeah ha ha. No worries, I'll go with a friend another time, and let you know what I think. Where do you want to go this week instead then?"

I don't know, it's just the whole relationship sounds..........a bit outside the usual way of discussing/doing things.

Even the bag thing, he did 3 round trips carrying his personal belongings to the new place - did it occur to you to ask him while talking about the move plans if one of your meetups could be to help him move the personal stuff over, if that's how he wanted to do it? You could have shown an interest in the flat and said how you were looking forward to seeing it and you could accompany him on one of his visits to move stuff over. Instead it sounds like you gave him a lecture in how daft it was that he was moving stuff himself when he was paying movers to do it.

It just all sounds ever so slightly controlling. Like you want to do things your way or no way.

Show quote history

You've totally nailed it. The subsequent updates have felt very 'my way or the highway'. Also I find it completely weird that she's already lining up to dump him and thinks somehow that this thread will be ammunition.

Cornecopia · 13/01/2025 12:36

So you posted here to ask people’s opinions…. Then decided to argue with every single one of those opinions.
good luck op

Sally2791 · 12/08/2025 06:13

I think it’s really weird that he’s bothered by a bag. Surely it could have just been packed in the spare room stuff. Is he anally tidy? Do you leave a toothbrush at his house? Seems odd if you have to eliminate any trace of your existence, not very welcoming.

Arlanymor · 12/08/2025 15:48

Sally2791 · 12/08/2025 06:13

I think it’s really weird that he’s bothered by a bag. Surely it could have just been packed in the spare room stuff. Is he anally tidy? Do you leave a toothbrush at his house? Seems odd if you have to eliminate any trace of your existence, not very welcoming.

I'm presuming they are not together any more, given that this post is from January...

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2025 15:53

I would have done the same as him, I wouldn’t be keen on being responsible for someone else stuff in the middle of a house move. Losing my stuff would annoy me but losing someone else’s stuff, would seriously piss me off.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread