I think he doesn’t want me to leave my things in his house?

[doddlerrs]

So I left a small drawstring bag in my BF’s house with underwear, a change of clothes, sanitary products and a deodorant.

Just in case. Never needed to use it.

Now that he is about to move houses he gave the bag back for me to take home.

He will pay for professional movers to pack and move all his furniture and his stuff so I asked him (joking) if my small bag is too much or too heavy for the movers?

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…

Then a week later when he got the keys to the new house, he told me that he took 3 round trips bringing his personal stuff that he did not want the movers to pack/carry. This was his plan all along though, I even remember trying to reason with him. What is the point of paying £££ for professional packers and movers if you have to do round trips yourself!
So I thought to myself, sure my very small and light drawstring bag could be added to his trips rather than giving it back to me if it was true he was concerned about the movers not packing it properly??

I can’t help but think he doesn’t want my things in his new house and that is his way of saying it?

BTW the new house is 3x bigger. More storage.
And he is not getting rid of almost anything. Only broken stuff.

This is odd, isn’t it?

Jesus

Ppl are allowed to not marry and still be in a relationship

This 2025

That is exactly what I will do.

How does it normally work when you stay at each other houses? Do you both pack over night bags then?

Doesn't every woman carry spare sanitary protection and/or spare underwear with her though every day? It's not often most adult women are caught short. It only has to happen once when you're a teenager to realise that you need to be prepared. I also know plenty of women who take a handbag with them when they leave the house rather than keep things in their coat pocket like you do when you're a student on a night out. Easy to keep toothbrush and underwear in your handbag.

Does he stay at your house and if he does, does he leave anything there?

It does seem odd that he doesn't want to take it with his other stuff. He could've just said, "You hold on to this for now and bring it back when I've moved in."

You sound like really hard work. Just take your small bag home, and when he has moved take it back with you. No big deal.

I don't think it's personal - I think it was just something practical at the point he noticed it -

It just sounds sensible to me, he doesn't want your stuff to get lost.

But you know him, we don't, so....

I bet he spent 0 seconds thinking about what giving you that bag means for your relationship. It's just one less thing to think about while he's moving. Meanwhile you seem to be using it as a barometer for the overall status of your relationship which probably means that there are other things that are worrying you about your long-term future together.

OP, on MN posters absolutely relish in telling people their boyfriend doesn’t love them, that everything is a red flag, that if you think one way then it’s definitely true. In short, there’s nothing some MN’ers love more than to see a relationship end.

When you brought the bag over he didn’t say “I’d rather you didn’t,” He gave it back to you while he moved, and given you’d taken it there so as to not be caught short, if it wasn’t unpacked then that’s exactly what would have happened.

Just take the bag back to the new house, and if he then says that he doesn’t want it there then you have your answer.

But ignore the posters telling you that he’s not comfortable with having your stuff in his house.

Well said. OP have you read the responses on this thread - the vast majority are saying you are overthinking it, but you keep doubling down - which makes me think there is a different insecurity at play. Otherwise you'd be responding with: "Phew, thanks all, think I'm a bit stressed - good to have a sanity check!" rather than loading on more and more 'reasons' why this is a bad sign.

The bag is a red herring the issue is you want a relationship which is committed and going somewhere he doesn’t

He might say this with you. Maybe he thinks he might feel differently with someone else. Perhaps he's already met someone who he feels more of a spark with. Maybe you might feel differently with someone else. It certainly doesn't sound like either of you are that into each other really. It sounds very casual. I don't understand how you can have had a conversation about being in a committed and exclusive relationship at the same time as saying you don't want to merge lives, while also not being open enough with each other to have the conversation about the bloody bag?

The whole bag thing is just irrelevant really. You just don't sound that serious or committed or open with each other.

@DysmalRadius yes, that’s exactly it!

I wouldn’t.

You say that him not wanting your bag there would be game over. You also say he’s not good at giving a straight answer.

Presenting him with the bag makes it harder to say no. If you actually want to know where you stand this isn’t helpful.

I would ask him in advance “Is it ok for me to bring my bag back now or would you rather I didn’t leave it at your house?” Don’t act like it’s a big deal and you might get a more honest answer - even if it’s not what you want to hear.

I think by giving him the chance to say no you’ll be able judge his true preference, and you can make your decision from there.

FWIW, we moved over a year ago and still have boxes that aren’t unpacked. It’s easy to feel a bit overwhelmed so I don’t think it’s necessarily off for him to have given you your bag back for safekeeping.

However, given the fact that neither of you want to live together, this may be his boundary. Even if you’re not trying to move in by stealth, he may resent having your items in his house. That’s not unreasonable but you need to know so you can decide how that feels for you.

Of course they're allowed to be. But there are different levels of relationship, clearly. You've got a "boyfriend/girlfriend who stay over at each other's houses, but is not really going anywhere else" type of relationship. An "ok for now" type of thing going on, from what you've described. Maybe he's wondering "what's the point?" Even YOU are wondering "what's the point?"!

You’re giving this far too much thought. I can guarantee that he didn’t even give it a second’s thought.

I think it’s a little odd for him to give it back to you but you’ll know quickly if there is an issue when he moves in and you put it back (I’d mention you were doing so to gauge the reaction). If this was the only thing that concerns you, I wouldn’t worry, if it’s part of a pattern of behaviour it might be a problem.

OP don’t even bother replying to that tripe, it’s perfectly normal to leave a bag at a partners house when you’ve been together over a year. Yeah it’s maybe weird, maybe not, watch and wait and don’t say anything about it again, never try and take up space in anyone’s life who isn’t actively making space for you in it. I say that as someone who has well and truly learned the lesson. You’re a totally normal person for leaving a little bag at his place and don’t let anyone tell you any different. X

You're either overthinking the bag thing, or what is more likely is that you feel unsure about him for other reasons but haven't articulated that. If it truly is just the bag then stop worrying about it, if you are actually worried about how committed he is then talk to him. But don't mention the bag, it's pretty irrelevant in my view.

Yadnbu I would be wary of someone who did this.

I’ve had a similar experience and felt something was very off.

My exBF definitely didn’t want anything left at his house. Not that I ever made a point of leaving anything, but when I was leaving all my stuff (not much) would be collected and put in one place to ensure nothing was left.

He was very much a loner. No friends and no family, but he liked it that way. I’m sure he’ll be on his own, or at least live on his own forever now as he’s in his 60s and set in his ways.

This update makes me double down on him not wanting your stuff at his house. He obviously doesn’t like his personal space encroached on.

Is there a chance he could have forgotten your bag was in the second bedroom, or it was “out of sight out of mind”? Now he’s having to deal with the bag he wants it gone?

You are really overthinking this. I would do exactly the same as your partner if I was moving. Everything gets sorted and organised and your stuff belongs to you so it should go back to you not get caught up in all his stuff. It can be really tiresome to be in a relationship with someone who sees hidden messages in everything and who needs constant reassurance so I would work on this if it's something you do a lot.

I think it's odd. I think when you don't live together having a few bits at each other's houses is normal and I can't think of a good reason hw wouldn't just include this with the things he moved. Have you met his family and friends? Do they know you exist?

If it feels off it usually is.