I think he doesn’t want me to leave my things in his house?

[doddlerrs]

So I left a small drawstring bag in my BF’s house with underwear, a change of clothes, sanitary products and a deodorant.

Just in case. Never needed to use it.

Now that he is about to move houses he gave the bag back for me to take home.

He will pay for professional movers to pack and move all his furniture and his stuff so I asked him (joking) if my small bag is too much or too heavy for the movers?

He said he was concerned that the movers would pack my bag in a random box and it would get ‘lost’ or he wouldn’t know where my bag would be in case I needed in the new house but not everything was unpacked…

Then a week later when he got the keys to the new house, he told me that he took 3 round trips bringing his personal stuff that he did not want the movers to pack/carry. This was his plan all along though, I even remember trying to reason with him. What is the point of paying £££ for professional packers and movers if you have to do round trips yourself!
So I thought to myself, sure my very small and light drawstring bag could be added to his trips rather than giving it back to me if it was true he was concerned about the movers not packing it properly??

I can’t help but think he doesn’t want my things in his new house and that is his way of saying it?

BTW the new house is 3x bigger. More storage.
And he is not getting rid of almost anything. Only broken stuff.

This is odd, isn’t it?

You both sound incredibly rigid. You seem to need-or demand-extremely logical reasons for everything. And you treat everything as a logistical problem that can be solved if only enough will and force are applied to them.

But people have spongy preferences and sometimes just don’t feel like doing things most efficiently, or on a thursday, or with a lot of fuss.

Your boyfriend, like posters here, has probably discovered that you won’t take any answer that doesn’t jibe with your assumptions (about other people) or your goals (as to when/where/how). everything becomes an argument that demands proof and logical reason. Sometimes people just prefer not to do something but because you demand “logical” and “logistical “ reasons they respond by giving you logical and logistical reasons why not.

You are going to see these things as “lies” when they are just polite social excuses. But I think you are unaware of how rigid and combative your style is. It certainly pushed me into being more explicit and analytical than is usually necessary in sn ordinary mumsnet give and take about social interpretation

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You are cheering up my Sunday afternoon OP with all this nonsense….

But that's not true, is it? He has communicated with you in words. He's told you, in words, that he doesn't want your things to get lost in his move. But his words are clearly not good enough for you as you suspect, based on pretty much nothing, that he must be lying to you.

Instead, what it seems you actually want is for him to be able to read your mind and realise that him expressing concern for the safety of your property would be perceived by you as some complex and powerful signal about the state of his commitment to you and your relationship. So, rather than you simply communicating with words with him about your state of mind ("Hey, when you gave my things back it makes me feel like you don't want me in your new house"), you're spiralling on here and building this up into something so momentous that you're contemplating ending the relationship over it.

If you want to know why he did it, talk to him. If you're reluctant to talk to him because despite what he says you're not going to trust what he tells you and instead you'll think he's hiding something, then end the relationship. But maybe you should consider talking to a therapist about the way you have reacted to this event and exploring where this insecurity is coming from.

Oh really?
When he said no to pizza I just went with somebody else, no biggie.
Then the real reason came out.

People can do or not do whatever they want.
But if they claim to be in a commited and monogamous relationship, least the other person deserves is their true selves and honest communication, no BS excusss.

As for the energency bag - yes. I’m inflexible about that. Because if he is uncomfortable with me leaving a small emergency bag at his then I’m uncomfortable sharing my time, energy and sex with them.

You sound like a match made in heaven, OP.

Why were you so rigid that it had to be that Thursday you went for Pizza, you could still have seen him and gone for an Indian and gone for the pizza the following Thursday.

Why did you decide not to see him ?

How often do you see him

and when are you expecting to see him again ?

It was a spontaneous thing. I fancied pizza. Heard about the pizza place. Invited him he said no. Invited somebody else.

He never mentioned another Thursday and another place. And if travel was going to be so crazy any other place would not be suitable anyway because would involve travel to someone.

Then the truth about the pizza came out of his own mouth

Fun Fact

You can go to the pizza place every Thursday if you want, nothing would stop me with going again

In my opinion the most logical explanation is that he has other women at his place and doesn't want the risk of them seeing another woman's personal things there.

The most logical explanation regarding the pizza place is not an aversion to non-Italian pizzas, but that he'd been in there with another woman.

I can see why you don't want to live with anyone right now or indeed ever, but this does sound an awful lot like a FWB relationship rather than a close relationship where two people just enjoy living independently.

What happens at Christmas? Does he spend any time with you then?

Okay I agree with you about honest communication. So why play games about your “emergency bag” wondering what ulterior motives he has, instead of just asking him “are you ok me having a bag at yours or not?” or “can I stick a toothbrush and a pack of Tampax in your bathroom cabinet?”

1- I already asked. He said yes but then there is the house move so he gave back. Taking him at his word and at face is bringing the bag again

2- It is his house. He decides where the bag should be. There is no toothbrush in the bag and the tampax is for emergency as I usually have those things with me anyway when I need. Me imposing it be in a bathroom cabinet? It is not my place to decide where. Also which toilet as there are 2 in the new place? See. Not my decision to make (but oh if I did MN would gun me down for crossing boundaries and moving in)

So OP, what are you going to do, dump him or stay with him?

Jeebus. Hope you let him go. This is a mort of drama.

OP, @HowardTJMoon's post contains some points well worth considering.

Whatever the current communication issues are, you clearly are not happy, and these thoughts may help you work out the way forward

He gave you a perfectly valid reason for giving it back though, he didn’t just hand it back to you at the door one day randomly.

I’m giving up now as I honestly can’t understand how it’s so difficult to ask someone you’ve been seeing for over a year where to keep your toothbrush and spare knickers. If you feel like putting a couple of items in his bathroom would be a major issue you’re clearly not comfortable there.

I think you’re looking for an excuse to be mad at him and end things.

I’m starting to wonder if you’re my mum.
You remind me of her.

I mean you can’t be as I’m 41 but I can well imagine her reacting the same way to this drama as you are 🤣

You seriously need to chill your erratic self out.

I’m thinking this needs to go in Classics just for the hilarious absurdity of it all 🤣

99% here couldn’t understand what the issue is so I will put it down to my communication skills.

No, I'm sure us 99% understand perfectly fine... we just think you're being completely ridiculous.

This ‘relationship’ is going nowhere.

I understand about the communication issues. What you are calling lying is just social niceties to let you down without hurting your feelings.

Are you ND?

He shouldn’t have stumbled over a shit excuse not to see OP. He could have suggested something else but didn’t.

Probably unavailable because someone else was due around.

I get it @doddlerrs !! It’s the principle of the fact that he potentially lied about a really “minor” thing that you’d just like him to be able to say if as it is. I get that completely. I’d also be miffed if my boyfriend of 15 months didn’t want anything of mine kept at his house!

Honesty never hurt my feelings

Is not about not seeing me

Is the lack of ability to say ‘I dont want it thepizza from that place’

and then insult my inteligence with a silly excuse

See, I find that odd. When you're dating surely you decide the day you're going to meet up first, and then where you're going after that, rather than the other way round? Whereas it seemed that you decided that you needed a companion for that particular Thursday activity that you'd decided was going to be this pizza place, asked him first, he turned you down, so you asked someone else instead. Which is wierd. Or did it not happen like that?

It comes across that rather than you see him as a partner he is just someone who fulfils the role of accompanying you on these activities you decide to do. As others have said you sound slightly rigid in your way of doing things, and want him to fall in with your way, and I wonder if you've ever given him the impression that you've been annoyed when he doesn't want to to something of your choosing, and now he doesn't feel he can be totally honest?

Because with the pizza thing, surely it would go like this:

"Oh, I was reading about this place which does different pizza slices for a set price, do you fancy going sometime?"

"Not sure, I'm fussy with my pizza now, having pizza in Naples a couple of years ago ruined most UK pizza for me. Does that make me sound like a terrible snob?"

And then you both laugh. "It does a bit yeah ha ha. No worries, I'll go with a friend another time, and let you know what I think. Where do you want to go this week instead then?"

I don't know, it's just the whole relationship sounds..........a bit outside the usual way of discussing/doing things.

Even the bag thing, he did 3 round trips carrying his personal belongings to the new place - did it occur to you to ask him while talking about the move plans if one of your meetups could be to help him move the personal stuff over, if that's how he wanted to do it? You could have shown an interest in the flat and said how you were looking forward to seeing it and you could accompany him on one of his visits to move stuff over. Instead it sounds like you gave him a lecture in how daft it was that he was moving stuff himself when he was paying movers to do it.

It just all sounds ever so slightly controlling. Like you want to do things your way or no way.