In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

He probably realised you're stronger than he gave you credit for after his YouTube manipulation didn't work.

Sorry you're going through this but take solace in the fact that you have your money back and are able to move forward when you're ready. The financial situation and borrowing would almost certainly got worse. Good luck to you.

I don't think that type ever care about anyone else, beyond the "investment" they have in them. I really do think he was a type of con artist in the making.

He's not exactly love's young dream, at age 45, divorced, unemployed and borrowing thousands of pounds of you, currently advertising himself on Tinder! What an embarrassment if you'd stayed involved with him!

@GreenlandTheMovie

I don't think that type ever care about anyone else, beyond the "investment" they have in them. I really do think he was a type of con artist in the making.

He's not exactly love's young dream, at age 45, divorced, unemployed and borrowing thousands of pounds of you, currently advertising himself on Tinder! What an embarrassment if you'd stayed involved with him!

Yep. I mean, look how much he cares for his kids, not giving a toss about how he'll meet his responsibility to support them and provide a home for them to stay in when he has them, or protect his visa to even stay in the same country by staying in his job or getting a job.

He's a classic grifter who love bombs in order to leech and cocklodge, a form of romance fraud.

I'm just so glad you are rid of him!

Oh he probably cared, in his own way.

It's like you said. He just can't stay single for a hot minute.

A weak, lazy (in every sense - financial, personal, emotional) man who simply can't shift for himself. A mewing user.

Bullet Dodged.

How are you feeling @InLoveAndLost? Have you got a distracting and busy weekend planned with friends who can care for you at this difficult time?

Poor OP, I'm so sorry this hurts but in time the pain will fade and you will feel so grateful you escaped from this manipulative canvas totebag of dicks. You are amazing for breaking things off with him and I'm not surprised (though still horrified) that he's already on Tinder. Would love for you to have drinks with his ex wife sometime.

Was watching this show called 'Countdown to Murder' and what Greenland wrote is really spot on. Romance fraud/con artists very commonly first borrow money and pay it back so they can get more loans.

I hope you're doing okay, OP.

@InLoveAndLost - did you manage to get through another weekend in one piece? It doesn’t matter if it was even more painful as this is normal when you are coming out of shock and the numbness wears off - often it gets worse before it gets better - but it will get better.

Hi all, thank you for your lovely comments. I am ok, plodding along. He tried to call me a couple of times in the last few days but I didn't pick up the phone. Yesterday he left in my mailbox the copy he had of my house key, no note or anything.

I have moments when I feel relatively ok, and then waves of utter heartbreak. I know I just need to push forward and it will eventually pass.

Thank you again for your kind support, it means a lot to me!

@InLoveAndLost

Hi all, thank you for your lovely comments. I am ok, plodding along. He tried to call me a couple of times in the last few days but I didn't pick up the phone. Yesterday he left in my mailbox the copy he had of my house key, no note or anything.

I have moments when I feel relatively ok, and then waves of utter heartbreak. I know I just need to push forward and it will eventually pass.

Thank you again for your kind support, it means a lot to me!

You're doing so well! You deserve so much better.

Really hope you can block him. Remember, he'll keep trying it on with you until he finds a new host, he may even get desperate as time ticks on because he needs someone to fund him (he won't stand on his two feet like an adult and get a job to support his kids). Blocking him sends a clear message to him that you are not available to him for even the possibility of leeching.

I'm concerned about you because you're still very vulnerable. He fucked you over big time and was setting you up to destroy your future to fund him and his kids. The £5k, just, staggering.

He tried to call me a couple of times in the last few days but I didn't pick up the phone.

Well done. That must have taken some effort.

Yesterday he left in my mailbox the copy he had of my house key, no note or anything.

Are you disappointed that there was no note? It’s fine to acknowledge sadness and disappointment.

Were you planning to ask for the key back at any point?

Do you think you should change your locks (he may have made a copy).

How comfortable are you blocking and deleting is number?

Just keep on riding through the waves of heartbreak - in time they will be less frequent and less intense.

Keep busy - spring is here and lockdown will be lifting soon.

The path is now cleared towards your shiny new life with an equal quality partner that you deserve. Honestly you dodged a bullet.

Dear OP - as PP have said, you're doing so well to stay strong. This is an extremely painful learning curve for you but so incredibly valuable. From your original posts, it did sound like this man had swept you off your feet, but your instincts were already nudging you about the red flags (being unemployed, irresponsibility, profligacy etc) and telling you that moonlight and roses, romantic strolls and film-watching sessions etc are worth nothing when there is no substance.

True romance is not in moonlit strolls hand-in-hand along the beach or evenings spent snuggled on the sofa when you have no demands on your time. True romance is in going through the daily grind day after day with a partner where you've both seen each other at your worst but are still interested in each other, still have things to talk about and still snuggle up at night; it's where you tag team over parenting and household chores so that the other gets a few hours to themselves etc. That's true romance.

You sound terrific, OP. Surprisingly soon, the disappointment and pain of this will pass and it will just be an extremely useful lesson to add to your life experience.

Good point @Sssloou , he may have made a copy .

Well done @InLoveAndLost.

I'm sorry. That's harsh when things had felt so meaningful to you.

I know it sounds so lame, but those painful emotions will gradually reduce and become bearable until one day you feel ok again.

I hope that day arrives soon.

Hope that you got through another weekend without too much pain.