In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

I’m glad you got your money back. I have to admit, I wasn’t hopeful.

Anyway, don’t let his nice alter ego reel you back in on Thursday. I wonder if he thinks because he paid it back this time, you will be a softer mark for more next time - without the pay back.

Most folk who book something dear make sure the funds are there. 5k is what I paid for two implants and full payment wasn’t expected until work was completed.

I’m sorry if I missed it but what did he have done? Because unless he was getting his bullshit gland removed I don’t buy it.

Be strong OP.

There is a better life for you without this chancer in it.

He had a dental emergency when several of his molars got infected because of deep cavities and he had to get an urgent series of appointments to fix the issue quickly.

he maybe has enough money to take some time off.

If he has money to take time off, he shouldn’t be spunking his money on bigboytoys if he needs to support himself and his kids. And if he has money, he shouldn’t have to ask for 5k from his girlfriend. He is at it.

@rawalpindithelabrador

NO ONE forgets they borrowed £5k from their girlfriend. NO ONE. I forgot, so ashamed. Yeah, right, was hoping you'd let it slip. Didn't forget to spunk a grand on a toy.

I think he was so used to live off the "family money" with his ex wife who made a lot, that he doesn't even think he is not entitled to other people's money. He doesn't get that he needs to stand on his own two feet financially.

His lifestyle hasn't really changed since the separation, even though his household income is now less than 1/4 of what it used to be. Nonetheless, he still takes his kids skiing every weekend, books exotic holidays with them (before the pandemic), buys himself expensive toys, spends hundreds for a simple Sunday afternoon activity with the kids..

It is like his brain hasn't registered the change in circumstances.

Fair enough but that is not going to last forever. He was entitled to 2 years of benefits, he's already gone through the first one. If he hasn't found a job in a year from now he will be kicked out of the country (and consequently separated from his kids who live here).

Unless he can hitch his cart to you. Do you realise that? No kids for you, and a sponging loser on top of that.

Who the hell quits their stable easy job that their wife got for them in their mid-40s with two kids to support, in a foreign country, whose language they don't speak and where you know your visa will run out? I mean, who the fuck does something so irresponsible and stupid that you could be separated from your *kids?!

His plan is to hitch to you. If that doesn't work, he'll be bounced out and play the Woe is Me, I Can't See My Kids Because (Insert Excuse).

He paid you back only after you got stern with him. He's laid the groundwork.

You are totally daft to see this man again. After getting the money back, 'This relationship has run its course. I'm done here and moving on.'

He was happy to cost you 5 grand. Wake up, seriously!

Oh, his brain has registered exactly what's going on. He thinks he's entitled to this life and if it means swizzing someone for it he'll do it. He's that conceited and entitled.

Honestly stop making excuses for him. He's 45. My teenage daughter is more switched on than he is because she's not a manipulative leech.

Of course he’s happy and chatty ,not got the stress of work

@Indoctro

The job thing isn't his fault it's very hard to find a job at the moment and he maybe has enough money to take some time off.

The no kids thing is definitely a big red flag. Walk away now because it will cause you a lot of heart ache in the future

RTFT! He quit the job voluntarily because he didn't like the office politics - knowing that a) he can't speak the language of the company and b) his further stay there depends upon employment now he's separated.

He quit a stable job his ex got for him at 44 with two kids to support and knowing he can be bounced out of the country (leaving entire parenting and support to his ex).

The job thing is entirely his fault.

@InLoveAndLost

Delighted you got your money back.

Why do you believe that you need to be polite and let this one down gently by having a face to face?

I seems that you are still falling for his charm - can’t you see yet that it’s a mask - can’t you see yet that he has manipulated you through out?

Why do you feel obligated to give him this - why are you not RAGING?

“Oh, his brain has registered exactly what's going on. He thinks he's entitled to this life and if it means swizzing someone for it he'll do it. He's that conceited and entitled.”

This with bells on. You don’t need to see him, OP. This guy had you wrapped around his finger and thinking he was the loveliest guy you’d ever met. He’s not lovely at all. Lovely guys with children don’t do any of the things he’s done. He’s an immature, entitled, selfish chancer who pursues younger women because older women would see right through him. Just end it now. You can text him or something.

I don't know whether you're right that he just hasn't worked out he can't keep spending on the old pattern, OP, or whether PP are right that he knows exactly what he's doing. Maybe a mixture of the two; they're not entirely incompatible. "Forgot" he was supposed to repay his GF a very large amount of money is quite concerning either way. But whichever, this is so obviously a completely hopeless prospect for long term partner. And by long term in this case I mean 24 hours or so

Agree with others that meeting him might not be the best idea. Not so much because he might be dangerous - not that you can always tell but it doesn't sound like his MO - but more because you are giving him the chance to talk you round. Do you want to let him do this? Think about it.

but more because you are giving him the chance to talk you round. Do you want to let him do this? Think about it.

I think this is an important consideration.

If there is any chance this is a repressed hope of yours - then you need to take steps to emotionally protect yourself by not exposing yourself to this risk.

He will now switch to the pity party, begging and pleading and promising the earth manipulative tactics.

Why put yourself through this?

So I presume this means he's pretty much blown through his equity then

Great news OP.
Thank goodness.

His generous benefits will run out very dramatically soon enough, and you don't want to be anywhere near the drama of that.

He needs to be a distant memory when reality bites with 12 months.

Getting a another job in the next 12 months could be tricky.

You really won't want to be in his circle when he is finally confronted with his reality and is scrambling to deal with it.

He has lived his life with someone else being the adult in the relationship fixing everything.

OP you really won't want to be around for the shit show that is coming.

‘It is like his brain hasn't registered the change in circumstances.’

But it really should have, OP. Very quickly. A mature, responsible adult would make adjustments pretty quickly.

I do agree with the general consensus. Everything absolutely screams love bombing to me, I’m afraid.

I agree with pp, you are too young to take on this situation. He doesn’t want children, you are unsure.
I can’t work out why he left the job either, unless his ex wife told him to go.
He sounds like a spoilt child to be honest and his bubble is about to burst financially by the looks of it.

One thing I noticed is that in your initial post about things that concerned you about your long term relationship prospects you didn't mention the borrowed money.

That should have been on your list as incompatibility over finances and children are the top 2 reasons why couples split. Consider overall comparability in financial attitudes as being VERY important in your next relationship.

One thing I noticed is that in your initial post about things that concerned you about your long term relationship prospects you didn't mention the borrowed money.

I think that’s an important spot - the huge elephant in the room and the OP was either in denial of it or it was just to obvious black/white to mention.

The other worrying trait is the constant excuses she finds to explain his behaviour - so that it becomes acceptable to her.

The burning through money because he isn’t used to his changed circumstances (of 18months ago) as an excuse seems desperate not to see what’s under her nose.

I wonder if the OP has co-dependent traits and feels the need to fix people or make them a project? If she does recognise any saviour / rescuer tendencies - even though her efforts are well intentioned - she needs to resist these urges because ahead lies a painful disrupted life path for everyone involved.

A painful, disruptive life for her. He'll be fine. YY, didn't mention the money or her having polished his CV, his extravagance, a lot.

I've said this again and again, though, when people give up their agency, for whatever reason, to someone else, that's a decision.

If you know you are with a person who's profligate, lazy, a user, doesn't want kids and you do (or marriage and you do), etc etc, and you choose to carry on with them, let them fleece you, make excuses for them, then you are choosing not to have kids, not to get married, not to have a person who's a functioning adult as a partner and whatever else.

No decision is still a decision.

It's sad to see, but someone that far into adulthood who is still making excuses for a person like this boyfriend, insisting on seeing him, knowing fully now what kind of person they are (a con artist), is saying, This is what I want. I want to waste my time with a coke-using, malingering, pathetic excuse for a man and a father.

Harsh but true. There are none so blind as those who won't see.

I used to think my wonderful unemployed man cared for me too OP but after 20 years I wanted to kill him with a spade and realised all I had every been to him was a meal ticket.
He's now moved in with another meal ticket and I'm pondering the loss of the best 20 years of my life.
He left when I said get a job or get out.

So very glad you got your money back!

Have to agree with the others about not seeing him on Thursday.
A text like a PP mentioned is enough. Especially since the relationship is so short.

It's good you posted here.
The brilliant and caring women here have saved me a few times!

Maybe choosing not to see him, sending him a text and cutting him off could be a personal experiment for you - to test your own resilience and resolve even though you are emotionally drawn to see him.

Can you do something strong for you?

@InLoveAndLost, @TorchesTorches, @rawalpindithelabrador and @Sssloou have made some really good points about the dangers of putting a gloss on what you were seeing before you.

Understandably, you wanted to believe that this apparently lovely, sexy etc man you were giving so much to was deserving of your love and commitment, and you were trying to ignore some huge red flags.

But your instincts were sound - which is why you posted here. Presumably you noticed that everyone who had RTFT was telling you he was not a keeper even before it turned out he had borrowed 5k off you and then bought himself an extravagant motorbike accessory whilst “forgetting” to pay you back.

You’ll need some time to recover from this, OP. It’s painful to have illusions shattered. You’re best off keeping away from him since he knows how to charm you. His loveliness is entirely superficial. He’s a user. He will probably try to talk you round. Or he’ll dash on to someone else.

But painful experiences are often the best lessons. You sound lovely. You will get over this and be in a better place for a relationship next time around.

@rawalpindithelabrador

A painful, disruptive life for her. He'll be fine. YY, didn't mention the money or her having polished his CV, his extravagance, a lot.

I've said this again and again, though, when people give up their agency, for whatever reason, to someone else, that's a decision.

If you know you are with a person who's profligate, lazy, a user, doesn't want kids and you do (or marriage and you do), etc etc, and you choose to carry on with them, let them fleece you, make excuses for them, then you are choosing not to have kids, not to get married, not to have a person who's a functioning adult as a partner and whatever else.

No decision is still a decision.

It's sad to see, but someone that far into adulthood who is still making excuses for a person like this boyfriend, insisting on seeing him, knowing fully now what kind of person they are (a con artist), is saying, This is what I want. I want to waste my time with a coke-using, malingering, pathetic excuse for a man and a father.

Harsh but true. There are none so blind as those who won't see.

Great post.

By refusing to choose not to be with a time waster, you are infact making a decision to be with a time waster.

You are a bright woman.
Now that you have your 5k back, would you spend a bit of money on finding out why you did this?

With a good therapist it could be invaluable.

@Sakurami

He sounds very immature and maybe his ex lost respect for him and that's why his stories were no longer funny.

A man with 2 kids getting divorced quitting his job without having another one to go to is super reckless.

Then you have his kids, no house presumably, he doesn't want more kids...I think you'll just end up lumbering yourself with a whole load of responsibilities and stress for something that will wear thin soon.

I agree it is reckless. It is also selfish. I’ve seen this happen to friends. OP if you are in Australia then the higher earner still has to pay child support to the ex even when custody is 50/50. So, it is very beneficial for an ex to stay employed to maximise the goodwill from the higher earner and maximise their share of the property settlement b cause they remain ‘friends’ for the sake of the children they don’t pay for, then when the settlement is all set and signed, they suddenly become unemployed which in what I’ve seen quadruples the child support from the higher earner, leaving them struggling financially. He is simply an asshole, you are being played and it’s very offensive for you to have the expectation his ex pays for him because she earns more.