In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

[Sssloou]

Hope that you got through another weekend without too much pain.

[Sgjudxbyef]

I'm sorry. That's harsh when things had felt so meaningful to you.

I know it sounds so lame, but those painful emotions will gradually reduce and become bearable until one day you feel ok again.

I hope that day arrives soon.

[AnneKipanki]

Well done @InLoveAndLost.

[AnneKipanki]

Good point @Sssloou , he may have made a copy .

[Dery]

Dear OP - as PP have said, you're doing so well to stay strong. This is an extremely painful learning curve for you but so incredibly valuable. From your original posts, it did sound like this man had swept you off your feet, but your instincts were already nudging you about the red flags (being unemployed, irresponsibility, profligacy etc) and telling you that moonlight and roses, romantic strolls and film-watching sessions etc are worth nothing when there is no substance.

True romance is not in moonlit strolls hand-in-hand along the beach or evenings spent snuggled on the sofa when you have no demands on your time. True romance is in going through the daily grind day after day with a partner where you've both seen each other at your worst but are still interested in each other, still have things to talk about and still snuggle up at night; it's where you tag team over parenting and household chores so that the other gets a few hours to themselves etc. That's true romance.

You sound terrific, OP. Surprisingly soon, the disappointment and pain of this will pass and it will just be an extremely useful lesson to add to your life experience.

[Sssloou]

He tried to call me a couple of times in the last few days but I didn't pick up the phone.

Well done. That must have taken some effort.

Yesterday he left in my mailbox the copy he had of my house key, no note or anything.

Are you disappointed that there was no note? It’s fine to acknowledge sadness and disappointment.

Were you planning to ask for the key back at any point?

Do you think you should change your locks (he may have made a copy).

How comfortable are you blocking and deleting is number?

Just keep on riding through the waves of heartbreak - in time they will be less frequent and less intense.

Keep busy - spring is here and lockdown will be lifting soon.

The path is now cleared towards your shiny new life with an equal quality partner that you deserve. Honestly you dodged a bullet.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@InLoveAndLost

Hi all, thank you for your lovely comments. I am ok, plodding along. He tried to call me a couple of times in the last few days but I didn't pick up the phone. Yesterday he left in my mailbox the copy he had of my house key, no note or anything.

I have moments when I feel relatively ok, and then waves of utter heartbreak. I know I just need to push forward and it will eventually pass.

Thank you again for your kind support, it means a lot to me!

You're doing so well! You deserve so much better.

Really hope you can block him. Remember, he'll keep trying it on with you until he finds a new host, he may even get desperate as time ticks on because he needs someone to fund him (he won't stand on his two feet like an adult and get a job to support his kids). Blocking him sends a clear message to him that you are not available to him for even the possibility of leeching.

I'm concerned about you because you're still very vulnerable. He fucked you over big time and was setting you up to destroy your future to fund him and his kids. The £5k, just, staggering.

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, thank you for your lovely comments. I am ok, plodding along. He tried to call me a couple of times in the last few days but I didn't pick up the phone. Yesterday he left in my mailbox the copy he had of my house key, no note or anything.

I have moments when I feel relatively ok, and then waves of utter heartbreak. I know I just need to push forward and it will eventually pass.

Thank you again for your kind support, it means a lot to me!

[Sssloou]

@InLoveAndLost - did you manage to get through another weekend in one piece? It doesn’t matter if it was even more painful as this is normal when you are coming out of shock and the numbness wears off - often it gets worse before it gets better - but it will get better.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

Was watching this show called 'Countdown to Murder' and what Greenland wrote is really spot on. Romance fraud/con artists very commonly first borrow money and pay it back so they can get more loans.

I hope you're doing okay, OP.

[CousinKrispy]

Poor OP, I'm so sorry this hurts but in time the pain will fade and you will feel so grateful you escaped from this manipulative canvas totebag of dicks. You are amazing for breaking things off with him and I'm not surprised (though still horrified) that he's already on Tinder. Would love for you to have drinks with his ex wife sometime.

[Sssloou]

How are you feeling @InLoveAndLost? Have you got a distracting and busy weekend planned with friends who can care for you at this difficult time?

[YoniAndGuy]

Oh he probably cared, in his own way.

It's like you said. He just can't stay single for a hot minute.

A weak, lazy (in every sense - financial, personal, emotional) man who simply can't shift for himself. A mewing user.

Bullet Dodged.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@GreenlandTheMovie

I don't think that type ever care about anyone else, beyond the "investment" they have in them. I really do think he was a type of con artist in the making.

He's not exactly love's young dream, at age 45, divorced, unemployed and borrowing thousands of pounds of you, currently advertising himself on Tinder! What an embarrassment if you'd stayed involved with him!

Yep. I mean, look how much he cares for his kids, not giving a toss about how he'll meet his responsibility to support them and provide a home for them to stay in when he has them, or protect his visa to even stay in the same country by staying in his job or getting a job.

He's a classic grifter who love bombs in order to leech and cocklodge, a form of romance fraud.

I'm just so glad you are rid of him!

[GreenlandTheMovie]

I don't think that type ever care about anyone else, beyond the "investment" they have in them. I really do think he was a type of con artist in the making.

He's not exactly love's young dream, at age 45, divorced, unemployed and borrowing thousands of pounds of you, currently advertising himself on Tinder! What an embarrassment if you'd stayed involved with him!

[okokok000]

He probably realised you're stronger than he gave you credit for after his YouTube manipulation didn't work.

Sorry you're going through this but take solace in the fact that you have your money back and are able to move forward when you're ready. The financial situation and borrowing would almost certainly got worse. Good luck to you.

[Starseeking]

I'm sorry OP, I know it must hurt.

If it's any consolation, the advice you received here has been excellent; I wish I had known about MN 15 years ago, as I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, and compromise, and my life would have panned out very differently.

[RandomMess]

But you know it was the correct decision, I hope the pain passes.

[Sssloou]

I am sorry that you are hurting right now - but bizarrely I am really glad that he did that and that your friend told you because I think it will shift you along your healing journey faster.

I hope that you are now tapping into your anger - this will powerfully propel you far away from any pining and yearning which would have created a fantasy and lured you back to him.

You have done brilliantly by sensing something was off / not good enough and then being really brave to seek advice, consider it and put it into action at a very emotionally painful time for you.

You have achieved so much. Be proud of yourself.

You deserve so much more and anyone would be lucky to have you - so set your bar high.

[Grimsknee]

Dear OP, the only pathetic thing in this story is this big manbaby's behaviour. You seem like an exemplary person who has good instincts and listens to them, and your friends sound the same. A man who's worthy of you will come along but for now, look after yourself and take time to heal. I wish all women had your boundary setting skills!

[billy1966]

OP,
As above.
Of course this stings.

I too believe he cared about you.
How could he not?
You sound like such a great young woman.

However, as @rawalpindithelabrador has written, his type are parasitic although actually very practical.

He knows he needs another 'host', that is his reality, the alternative is he provides for himself, and that is what he wants to avoid at all cost.

You are hurting now but it will pass quicker than you think.
He wasn't real, but his agenda was real.

Lean into your friends.

[Dery]

@AnneKipanki has nailed it. This hurts right now but in my experience the painful lessons are the most effective. You will come back from this stronger and more fabulous than ever. You just need a bit of time to digest what’s happened.

And FWIW, I expect he did care about you. You sound lovely. But he’s at best all fluff and no substance and utterly self-serving, as you were beginning to realise when you posted, and his affection is not only no use to you but continued involvement with him would have been massively to your detriment. You have helped yourself dodge a bullet.

Give yourself a bit of time to get over this. Then it’s onwards and upwards, OP!

[AnneKipanki]

It's not a pathetic story. It is a learning curve . You were starting to realise and asked questions.
You are hurt because of what you think you have lost. You're feelings were real . His were not .
You will get over this and be stronger and wiser . You already are .

[Clymene]

Of course that's hurtful. And the story isn't pathetic and neither are you. I suppose you know know that you were absolutely right to end it.

It will get better.