In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

You do realise that he'll do anything to hang on to you? I guarantee that he will suggest cooling things down a bit, instead of splitting up, while he "gets himself together", that you and he could maybe just see each other for walks and fun times while he "sorts himself out", etc etc.

Meanwhile, he spent money he owed you on parts for his midlife crisis toy. Just remember that, when he's saying it would be nice to meet for a coffee every now and again so he can keep you hooked!

Also, don't underestimate the power of the home that you own. He won't have "forgotten" that, like he "forgot" he owed you £5,000. He won't want his lovely mealticket abandoning him...

@HelloThereMeHearties

You do realise that he'll do anything to hang on to you? I guarantee that he will suggest cooling things down a bit, instead of splitting up, while he "gets himself together", that you and he could maybe just see each other for walks and fun times while he "sorts himself out", etc etc.

Meanwhile, he spent money he owed you on parts for his midlife crisis toy. Just remember that, when he's saying it would be nice to meet for a coffee every now and again so he can keep you hooked!

Also, don't underestimate the power of the home that you own. He won't have "forgotten" that, like he "forgot" he owed you £5,000. He won't want his lovely mealticket abandoning him...

This.

What Shehasadiamond and Hello said if you're still reading, which you might not be anymore. Making excuses for him doesn't change the truth.

BRAVE post, Sheisadiamond and I wish you all the best.

Agree he will do anything.
My similar ex is now trying to promote contact between our children to hold onto the last attempt of getting me back.

It's exhausting

He's finally getting the message

Good luck op. I can see you wanted to see the best in him but he is a waste of space. No doubt he will have found a new girlfriend within a few weeks of your break up.

Good morning all, I have called him yesterday night and told him I wanted to end things. I said I felt he was not ready for a relationship and not in the right place for one, and that I am looking for a different kind of commitment.

He cried and was really stunned. I could feel he was really confused about this sudden end. However he has accepted my decision, so it is over.

I feel utterly heartbroken but I know it is for the best. Thank you all for your invaluable support

Well done @InLoveAndLost . 💐

This experience will be heartbreaking for you, OP - it will have been such a huge disappointment when you were hoping that this relationship was a keeper. Take a while to grieve.

But you’ve shown great wisdom and done absolutely the right thing. The most painful lessons are often the most useful and you will have learnt a great many useful lessons from this (in particular that a life partner must have substance and sweet talk and sexiness aren’t nearly enough) which will put you in a great position for future relationships.

Oh well done @InLoveAndLost. That is absolutely the right thing to do. You are putting yourself first which is a brilliant first step in self-care.

I agree with the PP that it would be worth investing some of that £5k into some good therapy to find out why you were so drawn to this loser and how you can avoid this happening again.

I know it hurts terribly in the short term but you've just avoided a whole long term world of pain.

Also, I very much expect he will try and talk you round so block his number.

Wow that’s a huge step and I suspect quite different approach for you to take.

You found your courage and did it.

I hope within the (temporary) heartbreak you will soon feel relief for acting on what you knew, sensed and wanted deep down in you and that also you feel empowered that you did this for YOU.

As PP have said maybe invest in some therapy to understand why you were compelled to JADE his actions whilst repressing your own authentic feelings.

Our feelings shouldn’t be deep down - they should be very visible, listened to and attended to.

I suspect that he will boomerang back a few times over the coming months. Be ready for this and put your boundaries down v hard and v firm. Don’t fall for the ca we still be friends shtick ...... just politely say “No thanks - that doesn’t work for me” Rinse and repeat. Don’t get drawn into dialogue or on details. Don’t meet with him or take his calls. You need to protect yourself emotionally and not expose your heartbreak to his charm - be cause he will exploit that and you will then be in a very deep and vulnerable place.

Take care of yourself. Be proud.

@Sssloou

Wow that’s a huge step and I suspect quite different approach for you to take.

You found your courage and did it.

I hope within the (temporary) heartbreak you will soon feel relief for acting on what you knew, sensed and wanted deep down in you and that also you feel empowered that you did this for YOU.

As PP have said maybe invest in some therapy to understand why you were compelled to JADE his actions whilst repressing your own authentic feelings.

Our feelings shouldn’t be deep down - they should be very visible, listened to and attended to.

I suspect that he will boomerang back a few times over the coming months. Be ready for this and put your boundaries down v hard and v firm. Don’t fall for the ca we still be friends shtick ...... just politely say “No thanks - that doesn’t work for me” Rinse and repeat. Don’t get drawn into dialogue or on details. Don’t meet with him or take his calls. You need to protect yourself emotionally and not expose your heartbreak to his charm - be cause he will exploit that and you will then be in a very deep and vulnerable place.

Take care of yourself. Be proud.

EVERY.SINGLE.WORD.OF.THIS.

So proud of you!

He will try it on, he hasn't accepted this. He's a very entitled person. But YOU are worth so much more than a person like this.

Please, please get some therapy. This person saw you coming. It's very worrying that you got involved with a guy like this and loaned him so much money so early on and you need to protect yourself.

And remember, a decent man would never have got so involved with you once he realised you wanted kids, would have said, 'I've already been there but you deserve what I have so I hope you find it' and let you go. Honestly. No one who truly cares about you would waste your time like this. It's a shitty thing to do to a person.

Nor would he have asked you to loan him so much money so early on and then forgot to pay it back to where you have to press him for it several times firmly. Nor would he have jacked in a stable job in a foreign country where he is visa dependent and doesn't speak the language when he knew he has kids to support.

He's a very immature individual and very entitled.

That's not love.

You deserve a person who's your equal in life and wants the same things with you.

Keep this thread on your watch list and re-read it when you feel vulnerable because I suspect he'll try to hang on to his meal ticket until he hopefully finds another rock to cling to rather than behave like an adult and father. It's all he's done most of his life, leech.

“And remember, a decent man would never have got so involved with you once he realised you wanted kids, would have said, 'I've already been there but you deserve what I have so I hope you find it' and let you go. Honestly. No one who truly cares about you would waste your time like this. It's a shitty thing to do to a person.

Nor would he have asked you to loan him so much money so early on and then forgot to pay it back to where you have to press him for it several times firmly. Nor would he have jacked in a stable job in a foreign country where he is visa dependent and doesn't speak the language when he knew he has kids to support.

He's a very immature individual and very entitled.”

Beautiful summary of the key points by @rawalpindithelabrador.

@Greenevalley

Spending your house equity at 45 and not working is extremely foolish and doesn't bode well for the future imo. When his money runs out what then?

This /\ He doesn't seem responsible

You are very brave OP and I can imagine this is heartbreaking for you.

But this was only ever going to end badly for you, with or without him.

Better to have the upset now and move forward than a few years from now.

I don't for a second believe he is done with you either.

In the cold light of day he will be reflecting on his "Nurse with a Purse", in the lovely form of you, slipping away.

I would expect him to be back on to you, crediting you with giving him the impetus for change, improvement, enlightenment, pathway to Jesus Christ.🙄..who knows.

He could also mention marriage, children etc.

This will be all because he has spent so long with someone being the funding adult, doing it on his own, has zero appeal.

Maintaining ANY contact is not in your best interest at all.

Please keep posting, so many of us will want to know your getaway was a clean one and would love to hear that you are moving on.

With such a wonderful ability to accept advice, your future can only be bright.

In my life I believe one of the greatest gifts I have been given has been the gift of wise council when I needed it, and the ability to embrace the wisdom.

As humans we don't need to go through endless stress and drama to grow.

We can hear the experiences of other's, clock it, and think "right, I'm going to avoid THAT shit show and move forward in another direction".

Being able to hear, disseminate and take advice IS a great life gift.

You have it, hard though it was to take.

Well done.

Wonderful post @billy1966 .

Brilliant post from billy, too.

Remember, this person puts himself first always.

Move to a foreign country, don't bother learning the language even though you're visa dependent. In the foreign country, kids to support, can't stay unless you work (or find a new Nurse with a Purse to avoid working hence why billy's post about him coming back with marriage and kids talk is pertinent), jack in your stable job because your ickle feelings are more important. Got huge dental bills to pay, sod using your own precious equity to pay for it, tag your new girlfriend for it since you're sponging off the state then don't pay her back until she presses you several times, instead buy yourself expensive toys.

Note the pattern here.

You're vulnerable right now and need to keep yourself away from this person because he's likely already formulating a plot to reel you back in after he gets over the fact his plan didn't work and will use any means to do this because, as stated, being a working, functioning adult who stands on his own two feet has zero appeal for him.

I really hope this is the start of you putting yourself first rather than someone else because you deserve it and you deserve that - you deserve a partner who's your equal who wants to build a life with you on an even footing, not on a parasitic one.

And please watch out, because:
I could feel he was really confused about this sudden end.

You are STILL JADEing him. He's bricking it because his plan didn't work. Unless he's thick as two planks, he knows damn well he fucked up by not paying you back your money asap, for all his BS stories about forgetting and your JADEing that he just doesn't understand his new circumstances. He felt entitled to your money and not paying it back. He feels entitled to waste your life (no kids for you, but he's worth that).

Well done, op. He would have only have dragged you down

Your posts have been fantastic too @rawalpindithelabrador .
Can I ask , what does JADE mean ?

Justify and Defend, it's basically making excuses for someone else's shit behaviour in order to convince oneself to accept it, when deep down, your self knows it's shit.

Thanks @rawalpindithelabrador .

Honestly, you've done the right thing.

I had a tooth out two days ago. Never fun, and now I have an uncomfortable gap that is going to be sore for days and will be unsightly until I get a bridge or an implant or something, but if I'd left it much longer it would have caused a whole load more pain and potential complications. Basically it had to go, I knew that and put up with the short term ouchy stuff because that was the only way to avoid more problems.

Admittedly a boyfriend is not a tooth, teeth never get better by themselves and can't be reasoned with, but when a person gets to their mid 40s you can be pretty sure that's the kind of person they'll always be.

Be kind to yourself.

Great posts above. No need to suffer heartbreak alone. Always someone here to support and comfort and hold you hand if you are tempted to respond to him or make contact yourself.

Don’t give him any reasons, details or info on why you have moved on - because any crumb of info he will work to exploit to change your mind.

You have told him it’s over. You don’t need to keep telling him again. You don’t need detailed explanations.

That’s up to him to come to terms with. Don’t show any chinks in your armour.