In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

Please tell me you have the money back.....

Good morning all, I confirm that I got my money back yesterday evening, after asking him pretty sternly several times. He apologized for the delay and said he felt ashamed that he had forgotten and that "he was a mess".

We are due to see each other tomorrow evening and I will end it then. Not sure what I will say, but I can't continue this relationship otherwise he will drag me down with him.

Thank goodness you got the money back. You know what we are all going to say ...don’t see him again

Just tell him you are at different life stages, and you realise it is not a long term relationship. Wish him well and then say bye. You don't have to say much more than that.

@RantyAnty

I truly hope you got your money back!

His story doesn't really add up does it?

He mentioned unemployment check. Is he really getting 5k a month unemployment pay? I'd like to know what country you can get that kind of a deal in!

Then the part about it taking a few days to transfer money from where it's being held. It's been several weeks. More than enough time to transfer money back to you.

Plus mentioning he forgot owing you 5k. Really?

To answer your question, his unemployment check is roughly around that amount, perhaps a little less but not by much. Unemployment benefits are very generous where we live.

SO glad. He had no intention of returning it. This type never do. He expected you to fall for his 'I'm a mess'. Honestly think it's a bad idea to see him in person to break up because you're really vulnerable if you loaned a sum of money like that to such a new boyfriend and one like this; it's very worrying you seem to be insisting on this.

You came very close to losing quite a large sum of money and have been thoroughly taken in by a total waster, because he is, OP, seriously.

Why do you think you owe him another meeting? He has a lot of power of you, he'd have to convince you to part with that amount of money for something so trivial. Do you realise that most women even of that age would have run a mile from such a request of a new boyfriend?

You don't owe this guy a thing. Melange's wording is perfect.

You see this man again and the likelihood is that you'll waste more time with him, and worse. He's onto you, he saw a mark.

Please get rid of him without seeing him.

Cannot believe he was so manipulative he got you to part with such a large sum of money so early in, for 'dental' work. Dear god.

He did not forget and he's has no shame. He wasn't planning to give it back because he thought he had you, his mark, in the bag. If this man had any sense of shame he'd not have jacked in his job (and had a career or make a living off his own back to support his kids) and be loafing off the state and blowing equity on himself on frivolities. This type plays games like, 'Oh, look at me, I'm such a mess!' to get sympathy from women too young or naive to have the measure of him, which anyone his age has.

Thank goodness you got your money back!

At least you can move on from him quickly now.

He’s obviously having a lot of fun too but how responsible is he?

He has 2 children and he quit his job. That would concern me. Massively, actually. I understand it was probably due to the break up of his marriage but if its amicable, I’d have expected he stick with it until something else came along.

The fact that he hasn’t invested the money from the house sale in a new home for himself and his kids when they visit also makes me uneasy.

I’m sure he’s a great guy and you’re having loads of fun but it’s important to look beyond words and at behaviour and actions.

@IsobelCambridge

He’s obviously having a lot of fun too but how responsible is he?

He has 2 children and he quit his job. That would concern me. Massively, actually. I understand it was probably due to the break up of his marriage but if its amicable, I’d have expected he stick with it until something else came along.

The fact that he hasn’t invested the money from the house sale in a new home for himself and his kids when they visit also makes me uneasy.

I’m sure he’s a great guy and you’re having loads of fun but it’s important to look beyond words and at behaviour and actions.

RTFT

Re the “I’m a mess” comment - be prepared for him to lay on the emotional blackmail and manipulation to try to reel you back in

Crying, saying stuff like I’m depressed, I need you to help me cope, I cant go on without you etc etc

It’s a common tactic so be prepared for it and have replies planned in advance

Not a " mess " . Knows exactly what he is doing.

Thank god you got your money back, now dump him and don't look back

@Berthatydfil

Re the “I’m a mess” comment - be prepared for him to lay on the emotional blackmail and manipulation to try to reel you back in

Crying, saying stuff like I’m depressed, I need you to help me cope, I cant go on without you etc etc

It’s a common tactic so be prepared for it and have replies planned in advance

That's why it's best not to see him.

He's a smooth operator. He has long experience of manipulating women to sponge, that's why his wife didn't jettison him sooner.

Are you noticing how many of us had the measure of him from the get go, before he showed you, again, his true colours by buying himself an expensive toy before automatically giving you back your enormous sum of money? Why do you think that's so? It's because we've been there!

This type of man targets women like you because he's a career malingerer and women his own age are onto him, most of them are.

Pulls the I'm a mess, crying, depression, you're all I've got blah blah blah.

It's a swizz.

That nearly cost you 5 grand. But could cost you everything if you give this guy even half an inch.

@Berthatydfil

Re the “I’m a mess” comment - be prepared for him to lay on the emotional blackmail and manipulation to try to reel you back in

Crying, saying stuff like I’m depressed, I need you to help me cope, I cant go on without you etc etc

It’s a common tactic so be prepared for it and have replies planned in advance

Yes, I would expect this too.

Thank you @rawalpindithelabrador. Half asleep here and missed 17 pages! Well done, OP a tough but right decision. Hugs.

Let us know what he says

5 grand ! No wonder he can't be bothered to look for work if he gets that in benefits !

@flapjackfairy

5 grand ! No wonder he can't be bothered to look for work if he gets that in benefits !

And he's burning right through the equity. It'll be gone soon and he's on the lookout for his next mark to loan him money, service his knob, look after his kids (but none for her), find his malingering amusing and cute. Because he's 'loving and caring', just a lovable mess, him, so ashamed.

My husband is younger than I am, his age and would be mortified to take money off someone like that or jack in good steady work (and in a foreign country where you don't speak the language) when there are children to support to snort coke and drive a motorbike.

FFS.

I’m glad you got your money back. I have to admit, I wasn’t hopeful.

Anyway, don’t let his nice alter ego reel you back in on Thursday. I wonder if he thinks because he paid it back this time, you will be a softer mark for more next time - without the pay back.

Most folk who book something dear make sure the funds are there. 5k is what I paid for two implants and full payment wasn’t expected until work was completed.

I’m sorry if I missed it but what did he have done? Because unless he was getting his bullshit gland removed I don’t buy it.

Be strong OP.

There is a better life for you without this chancer in it.

Cynical me thinks that he has paid back this 5 grand (5 fucking grand!!!!) as he is laying down the groundwork to show that he is "trustworthy" and next time he will ask for more and not pay it back, his line about being a mess and ashamed is just the icing on the cake that he "needs a good woman" like yourself to take care of him.

Don't bother to meet him OP he will be ready with the emotional manipulation, that borrowing was the first test to see how compliant you would be, because let's be real if any of us were unemployed with two kids to support could we "forget" about the loan or would we be fretting and worrying about paying it back, I don't think I could sleep if I own family or a friend that kind of money.

@flapjackfairy

5 grand ! No wonder he can't be bothered to look for work if he gets that in benefits !

Fair enough but that is not going to last forever. He was entitled to 2 years of benefits, he's already gone through the first one. If he hasn't found a job in a year from now he will be kicked out of the country (and consequently separated from his kids who live here).

NO ONE forgets they borrowed £5k from their girlfriend. NO ONE. I forgot, so ashamed. Yeah, right, was hoping you'd let it slip. Didn't forget to spunk a grand on a toy.

We cross posted @Dontbeme

Textbook chancer

The job thing isn't his fault it's very hard to find a job at the moment and he maybe has enough money to take some time off.

The no kids thing is definitely a big red flag. Walk away now because it will cause you a lot of heart ache in the future