In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

Wow wow wow OP, bloody well done to you

The PPs have said it all. He will be back - but you will be STRONG, as you know you're worth more than he can ever offer!!

How are you doing @InLoveAndLost - have you got plans to support yourself through which is likely to be a v challenging weekend for you?

It's quite a big age gap and you are at totally different stages of life. On top of that he sound a bit flakey. Take the 'holiday romance' advice IMO!

Thinking of you OP.

No pressure!

But a small bit invested in you getting through this.

You are a great girl, (girl, only because you are young)
Routing for you.

Oh and for the angry posters...

I'm mid 50's and my huge circle of friends alwsys refer to each other as "girls".

I play golf and tennis...it's only at my clubs that I am referred to as "ladies."
In normal life its the girls!

I took on a single dad with 3 DC when I was 20.

Do not do it. Seriously.

An unemployed single dad. He pretty much expected me to be instant mum and be the breadwinner. I was stuck for years. It was horrible. Did so much damage to my self esteem. Don't do it

@InLoveAndLost how are you getting on? Hope you're ok! Just remember you're amazing!

Hi all, thank you for your lovely messages. I am ok, sad, heartbroken and angry, but relatively ok. I have some great friends who are supporting me in real life. I have managed to organize some activities for this weekend so I am not home alone too much.

I have not heard from him at all after our last call. I think that was it, I will never speak to him again.

Ah @InLoveAndLost I'm so pleased you have friends around you! I promise you'll feel better soon x

Delighted you are supported.

You will get through this.

Just do one day at a time.

I'm glad you have support and really glad he's leaving you alone. You need to never speak to him again because you're vulnerable and he's very very manipulative.

You will get through this and learn a lot from it and please, in the future, just don't bother with these men who have kids, 99% of the time there's a really good reason why their wife/partner dumped them.

You deserve so much more.

Not surprised that you have plenty of supportive friends and hobbies to distract you - keep focused on these productive people.

It’s fine to feel heartbroken - disappointment for what you had hoped the RS could be etc.

That £5K though - can you imagine yourself asking to borrow that from someone you knew only 6 months? I wouldn’t even ask my parents for £500 or even £50 .... because I am a respectful and responsible grown up adult.

I have not heard from him at all after our last call. I think that was it, I will never speak to him again.

Are you hoping he will contact you? What will you do if he does?

Know that this could be a slippery slope with a slippery character...

Hope that you can get through this weekend - don’t worry about being emotional - let rip scream, rant, cry ... that’s all good. Just don’t call him, look at SM or anything related to his life.

My bets he will be back - just when you are at your deepest trough and most vulnerable a few weeks down the line - there will either be an invented or exaggerated issue or health scare that he needs your help “platonically” with (playing to your kindness) - or some silly romantic doe eyed gesture where he promises you the earth. Expect him to turn up somewhere.

Hi all, I thought I'd give you an update.

The weekend has been difficult, I kept myself busy but my mind kept going back to him. Thank God for my lovely friends who have kept me company so I didn't have to sit alone with my feelings.

He texted me a Youtube link with a heartbreaking song yesterday night. It took all my strength not to reply. Feeling really down, heartbroken and hopeless today, and I wonder if I will ever find love like this again.

@InLoveAndLost

Hi all, I thought I'd give you an update.

The weekend has been difficult, I kept myself busy but my mind kept going back to him. Thank God for my lovely friends who have kept me company so I didn't have to sit alone with my feelings.

He texted me a Youtube link with a heartbreaking song yesterday night. It took all my strength not to reply. Feeling really down, heartbroken and hopeless today, and I wonder if I will ever find love like this again.

Oh God, of course he did. I want to punch the manipulative cockbang on your behalf.

Sorry he did that. If you step back a bit, can you see what a manipulative thing that is to do? You ended things with him, you told him definitively you didn't want to be with him any more, which means you aren't and can't be his emotional support. And what did he do? He did something whose only purpose and intent can have been to make you feel low, guilty and sad, under a thin figleaf of "honesty". He tried to hit you where you were vulnerable so you'd weaken.

I am also really rooting for you. You are smart, hardworking, switched on and stand up for yourself. I would love to be your friend. I know this time is really hard but please do hold firm. It always feels like you will never find love again, but that feeling is always a liar. You will, and better.

Time will help things, as will your lovely friends. What won't help is him sending you sad songs to make you feel bad and intensify heartbreak. Remind yourself that he wasn't nearly so swift to send you the money he owed you. Course he's got attractive qualities and that makes it harder to let go, but you've done the tough bit and will absolutely find much better love in future with someone way more compatible. Don't be listening to his ballads and believing in that crap. You're a great catch and he's not, that's the bottom line. Fill your days with your friends and look forward to brighter horizons.

He is being manipulative by sending that song, you did well to ignore.

Of course you will meet someone else in the future, thats not even something to think about now.

Was it really love after only 6 months or was it lust?

You are grieving for who you thought he was and what the future could have been.
Currently you're remembering all the best bits but try to remember the not so good bits and also realistically what the future would have held with him not working and his spending issues - you'll soon realise that the future was not bright.

Send him “9-5” by Dolly Parton in return

Of course things are raw OP.
I don't doubt it.

Not the least bit surprised he tried to get at your heartstrings.

He's gutted too.
He had lovely you lined up for when his funds run out.
Now he has to find someone new.

I mean this kindly, but lovely as you no doubt are, your primary appeal to him is your youth, career and childless status.

This guy IS charming and fun and a bit of a chameleon.
They always are.

His wife thought so in the beginning until she finally off load him as the massive expense he was and still is.

Keep reminding yourself of what YOUR life goals are....

Below please find the reality list should you go back to him...

To remain childless?
To never ever take your foot off the corporate ladder.
To have to grit your teeth as he drifts in and out of work.
To have to listen to his 'schemes/ideas' as you do the 'vulgar job' of providing.
To carry 100% of the financial load.
To carry 100% the mental load.
To have YOUR life, holidays and home primarily dominated by HIS children.
To partially HIS children.
To put HIS children first, because hey children have to come first.
To be the 'adult' in the relationship.
To know that YOUR pension has to provide for both of you.

This IS the reality of a long term relationship with him.

This is my surprised face!

WELL DONE YOU for not replying such a self-serving, manipulative and disrespectful thing to do. He's heartbroken he lost his Nurse with a Purse because again, this is not love. A person who cares about you considers your interests as well as theirs and again, the second he found out you wanted kids, a decent human being would have ended it then and there.

He's not, though.

What he did was love bomb you, convince you to hand over a huge sum of cash (for him, of course), buy expensive toys (for him, of course) and then you have to press and insist several times before he gave it back.

He needs blocked.

We all read him like the trashy novel he is and knew he'd pull a stunt like this to reel you back in.

No respect for your boundaries. No mature decency and accepting your ending things with dignity, nope, only manipulation to serve his own ends.

What a cock!

What you had was not love, it was a form of romance fraud. Look it up. He's classic. He was looking for his next meal ticket and picked a younger person who's not as experienced, no kids, plenty of cash, to target. Within 6 months he had you JADEing his immature, selfish, lazy behaviour, doing things to fix him (polishing his CV) and handing over a big sum of money as a loan that he only paid back because you insisted (and still JADEing for him, poor ickle thing just doesn't understand about his new financial circumstances).

You could reply with this one, OP:

I can't believe he borrowed £5000 off you and you had to repeatedly ask for it back! Thank goodness you did!

You know this is classic conman behaviour, don't you? They break you in gently by borrowing the money and then actually paying it back, so they can say, well I paid you back the last time, didn't I? This is what he probably did to his ex wife too. Its ridiculous that he doesn't have a job or a proper career at 45. He must have thought he had hit the goldmine with you! I suspect he will try and find a rich, older divorcee next...

billy list is excellent and spot on, I'll add another, to know, years on, that if you leave he could cost you a mint. Re-read the post from the woman who kept a man like this for 20 years and how little she actually meant to him, too. Or from the other who has a friend like this and he cost her half her pension.

This man has demonstrated his entire adult life that he's No. 1, even above his kids.

Block and move on. You don't need or want a mooching malingerer like this in your life.

@billy1966 and @rawalpindithelabrador have nailed it, OP.

He may talk a good talk but it’s all fluff and no substance - the love he offered is very far from being the best you’ll ever get.

As PP have said - as soon as you said you might want children and he knew he didn’t want any more, he should have backed off but he’s an entitled, immature, selfish man child so he didn’t. And you already know that, OP - that’s why you posted here for advice.