In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

[lollipoprainbow]

@WaterBottle123 how is being 15 years older old enough to be her father ?!

[OhioOhioOhio]

It you give him your 30s,or most of them, you will regret it.

[TitInATrance]

Sounds like a fun relationship for lockdown but not a basis for a permanent partnership, which is probably why his friendship with his ex is so secure.. Huge age difference, and I’d be wondering if he chucked his job to swing the divorce settlement.

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

@Floridaflipflops

My friend for with a man who didn’t want any more kids. He had had the snip and wouldn’t consider reversing it. The majority of her friends told her that kids were not the be all and end all and not to pass up the opportunity of finding love with some one. He gave her a token engagement ring too. So she got with the program, stated and got involved in ‘family’ life.

Fast forward 8 years they split because he cheated and she is now looking at sperm donors at the age of 42 and single.

That is just crazy to me. I know plenty of people don’t want kids and completely understand that view, they’re not for everyone. But there’s a huge difference between knowing you don’t want kids and sliding into a situation where you’re choosing a guy over having children if you’re not sure whether you want them or not. The whole ‘love is a rare thing, I wouldn’t let that go’ thing is such idealised nonsense. There are plenty of potential partners out there.

I split up with an ex at 28 as I was ready for kids and he wasn’t sure when or if he wanted them, and I knew I didn’t have time to waste staying with a man who was holding me back from a baby during my fertile years.

OP, your gut is already telling you this isn’t going to be a long term thing. You can either decide to have a bit more fun with him (being honest with him that there’s an expiration date) or end it now. But you do need to think hard at 30 whether you want children or not as if you do that will colour your dating efforts going forwards, it’s not the case for everyone that they just casually slide into a relationship that leads to kids and marriage.

I tend to feel if you’re ambivalent then you shouldn’t have children, it’s too big a decision to be made based on uncertainty. But I’m also surprised at 30 that you’re not really sure either way, surely by now you have a sense of whether it’s something you’d like in your future?

[lockeddownandcrazy]

Nice guy and you love him but he sounds a bit of a loser. Can you live with nc and being his parent effectively for the rest of your life?

[borntohula]

Lol he might end up with a minimum wage job but so what? Not everyone needs to be in a high flying career.

[Berthatydfil]

Omg run for the hills before you find yourself running yourself ragged supporting this man and his children. Any person with children to support who voluntary gives up paid employment with no long term plan (ie career change, going back to uni, short break due to burnout) has huge red flags all over them. Irrespective of your future relationship how the fuck is he going to house, feed and otherwise support his children in the longer term without a job.? Perhaps his goal is find a financially stable but gullible woman with a house and job to do it for him??
Don’t let that person be you.

[InLoveAndLost]

@Berthatydfil to be fair I think he was on the verge or burnout with work + his marriage breakdown. Luckily his ex wife is a very high earner so she can easily support herself and the kids (and if needed I guess him too?).

I don't think he quit to avoid paying maintenance as they share the kids 50/50 and she already made 4 times his salary.

[NoProblem123]

I think that the initial kicks & giggles phase is coming to an end and you already know he’s not a long term prospect.

[HollowTalk]

@WaterBottle123

OP, you can do better than a man old enough to be your father who can't be arsed to get a job and is still in love with his ex.

Pls pls move on and find someone who will build a life with you. That's what you deserve.

Totally agree with this. Think of it like a holiday romance and move on.

[Dery]

@Berthatydfil has nailed it. Anyone can be sweet, funny and sexy if they just spend their time looking after no. 1. It’s incredibly irresponsible to give up work and spend your savings if you have children. And his job history shows that he has an underlying sense of entitlement that someone else should do the financial heavy-lifting to support him.

His marriage broke down for a reason. Perhaps his wife fell in love with someone else. But I suspect she just got tired of carrying such a flaky man.

He’s 45. This is him. He sounds like a man child. I’m sure you’re lovely but he will be with you partly because a woman his own age would see right through him.

It’s not unusual for such men to be incredibly attractive, great in bed, good at the touchy-feely stuff etc. That’s how they get through life and how so many women end up in relationships with them. And it could be fine if you weren’t looking for a responsible life partner to build a future with. But you are. He’s for himself. He’s not for you.

[borntohula]

Does everyone here who has a good relationship with their ex secretly think that's because their ex is still in love with them? I suspect saying stuff like that is just to fuck with OP a little bit more.

[edwinbear]

So he had his ex wife to support him with her high flying career and now he needs another woman to do it? And of course she won't support him now they are divorced, why on earth should/would she?

OP I'm married to a man who hasn't worked in 15 months, it is horrendous. I'm stuck really because of finances/DC. Don't be me. Find a man who wants to work and contribute to your lives and society as a whole. This man is a waster.

[Techway]

6 months in, it feels fun.
2 years in you'll start to irritated
5 years in you will resent him.

What does he do when he doesn't have the children?

[SingingLoud]

Have you posted about him before? The unemployed sports coach sounds familiar.

Anyway, flaky as fuck, long term unemployed in his mid 40’s and living off savings.

Of course he loves you, his savings will run out at some point and you’ve already proved you’re the woman for him - a house, a regular income, and most importantly you’re ok with a man who doesn’t work and presumably doesn’t financially support his kids either.

What a catch.

[Bagelsandbrie]

Far too much wrong here.

6 months in of course you think he’s a sex god and wonderful. It’s the rose tinted specs time. But they’re already coming off a bit. So run.

You’re far too young for all this. You can do much better.

[dREt]

This isn’t going to work Op. use your head and end it now before you get in too deep. A bit of short term pain will be long term gain for you. The number of women I have heard say they are not bothered about having kids at 30 to then go on and have 2/3! He will be in his 50’s with ties to his ex, growing kids and you perhaps nagging him for another one or two. Believe me that will not be all hearts and flowers then.

[Thebusiness]

Yes I remember an unemployed sports coach on another thread.

I wouldn’t go there tbh.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

If you want children and you don’t that’s a deal breaker. The biggest. He’s 45, he’s not going to change his mind. Taking on two children when you know being with him means you’d never have the chance to have your own - that’s the absolute clincher. All the rest aside, which I agree sounds like a pleasant break from the daily grind of reality which is coming to an end, the kids thing means you owe it to yourself and your future to move on.

[Thebusiness]

When you want children say mid-30s, he will be 50.

[Notanorthadontist]

Hmm ‘burnt out’ by a low paid admin job in the company owned by his wife? That doesn’t bode well. So many red flags. The longer you prolong this the more involved you will get. Have you met his children? As a pp said, your thirties will be a fab decade, still lots of single men out there in your age bracket with careers. Start making plans !

[dottiedodah]

Long term it doesnt bode very well does it? You have been at home together virtually on holiday! I think he is being irresponsible to be spending his equity .When this runs out what will he do ? Also he is a lot lot older ,and unless he wants a young family again which doesnt seem likely ,you are going to miss out on DC and motherhood .

[InLoveAndLost]

@Notanorthadontist sorry I didn't explain myself very well, the company is not owned by his ex wife. She is a very senior manager/ director there and when the company moved her abroad for a senior position they offered him an admin role as part of the package.

[MyVikingLife]

All the points you make are very valid. At the very least, the first two will be ongoing forever. The third point would also put me off, he sounds like a bit of a loser quitting his job and being a professional sports coach at his age (is there really such a full time job, that’s mainly a volunteer role). How is he expecting to be able to pay for his kids expenses when he runs out of cash, will they all be living with you then? Do you want to cook, clean, finance two kids that aren’t yours?

I’d break up. Blended families are hard work. You’re young and I’d be going for someone with less baggage. And someone that you can have first time experiences with. Also go read the step family board, that will be your life no matter how good things might be going now with him and the kids. The ex will always be around.

Of course it’s fun while it’s new and you’re chillin and cooking and going for walks. But that’s a short term life, like a holiday break. He sounds good for a fling but nothing else. Move on and upgrade.

[BilboBercow]

There's no future in this.
We're living in difficult times so being unemployed right now isn't the no no it would usually be for me, but the fact that it's not really bothering him and he's not desperately job hunting for the sake of his kids would be. He's not a keeper