In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

Well done OP. He is a waster as PP's have said. Taking drugs at all- ugh! Especially at 45.

That he got a job riding on the coattails of his ex implies his work situation was precarious before then, too. I've worked in the fitness industry and getting/keeping enough hours to make much of a wage can be hard.

Please don't go back. I suggest blocking him, as keeping in touch just means a risk of getting further involved again.

@Batinhernightdress

Honestly, you are far too young to take on all this.

too young at 30?!

Honestly, you are far too young to take on all this.

too young at 30?!

@Joeblack066 Well, it doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs, does it?

@InLoveAndLost At 30 you are still in your prime sexually. The problem with a 45 year old guy is the older a man gets the more the chances of decent sex reduce. By 50 they often have frequent impotence.

Guys your own age still have years of decent sex in them. Grab it with both hands.

You will find love .
He wasn't it .

Hi OP, your story is uncanny as it mirrors almost EXACTLY one that happened to a friend of mine. Same age difference although he had been married twice before. She was in her mid-30's and desperate for a family, he already had teen DC from his previous marriages and had no desire to have more but when she said that her priority was to have a family of her own and tried to end the relationship, he said he would have a baby. She is successful and very hard-working whereas he drifted from job to job, always leaving because he 'wasn't understood' or the role 'wasn't for him'.

Three years later they are getting divorced - two years after she had the baby so a very short marriage. For the whole of that time he has done nothing to contribute to the mortgage or childcare, spending his day on 'growing his business' but in effect sitting looking at his phone while she worked very long hours to keep them all. She begged him to get a proper job to help the family finances but he said he needed to 'focus' on his new business, but instead focused on shagging a neighbour.

Thankfully my friend found out and they are now getting divorced but he is claiming he was a House Husband, despite the baby going in to nursery FT from 6 months - he wants the house (was hers before they married), a big chunk of her pension, and 50/50 care (so doesn't have to pay any CMS money to her) despite never having the faintest interest in looking after the DC before all this.

Her SH solicitor says he doesn't have a hope of getting that but my friend is still looking at forking out a very large chunk of money (6 figures) for a clean break from this complete cocklodger and has been brought to her knees emotionally and financially by it all. She bitterly regrets allowing her desire for a child to override the doubts she already had about him - he too always needed to borrow money from her and would 'forget' that he owed it. Above all she regrets marrying him rather than have the baby but forego the marriage but she's a romantic and he played up to this very well, even down to the tear-jerker tracks on YouTube whenever she tried to dump him in the past. At her wedding her friends all felt the same, that this man was flaky and no good and she would rue the day. Sadly we were right, that same romantic man is utterly ruthless in his determination to extract as much money from her as he can and it has broken her.

Don't be my friend, OP.

Send him back this banger ... actually don’t - just play it LOUD and dance around your flat!!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=cKlrm2IjwQw

LYRICs to ain’t nothing going on but the rent:

Bill collector's at my door
What can you do for me?
Hey
No romance without finance
No romance without finance
Boy, nothin' in life is free
That's why I'm askin' you what can you do for me
I've got responsibilities
So I'm lookin' for a man whose got money in his hands
'Cause nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You got to have somethin' if you wanna be with me
Oh, life is too serious, love's too mysterious
A fly girl like me needs security
'Cause ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent
You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me
Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent
You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me
No romance without finance
I said no romance without finance
Boy, your silky ways are sweet
But we're only wastin' time if your pockets are empty
I've got lots of love to give
But I will have to avoid you if you're unemployed
'Cause nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You got to have somethin' if you wanna be with me
Oh, life is too serious, love's too mysterious
A fly girl like me needs security
'Cause ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent
You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me
Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent
You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me
No romance without finance
I said no romance without finance
No romance without finance
I said no romance without finance
Oh, you look good to me
Your silky words are sweet
But your pockets sure look empty
Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent

*Oh God, of course he did. I want to punch the manipulative cockbang on your behalf.

Sorry he did that. If you step back a bit, can you see what a manipulative thing that is to do? You ended things with him, you told him definitively you didn't want to be with him any more, which means you aren't and can't be his emotional support. And what did he do? He did something whose only purpose and intent can have been to make you feel low, guilty and sad, under a thin figleaf of "honesty". He tried to hit you where you were vulnerable so you'd weaken.*

He is v disrespectful of you and your boundaries. Can you see he has his own agenda front and centre and will emotionally wound you to get his way?

He needs blocking and number deleting.
You don’t need to be dealing with this nonsense.
What a donkey!

@Thestarlightbarking

Hi OP, your story is uncanny as it mirrors almost EXACTLY one that happened to a friend of mine. Same age difference although he had been married twice before. She was in her mid-30's and desperate for a family, he already had teen DC from his previous marriages and had no desire to have more but when she said that her priority was to have a family of her own and tried to end the relationship, he said he would have a baby. She is successful and very hard-working whereas he drifted from job to job, always leaving because he 'wasn't understood' or the role 'wasn't for him'.

Three years later they are getting divorced - two years after she had the baby so a very short marriage. For the whole of that time he has done nothing to contribute to the mortgage or childcare, spending his day on 'growing his business' but in effect sitting looking at his phone while she worked very long hours to keep them all. She begged him to get a proper job to help the family finances but he said he needed to 'focus' on his new business, but instead focused on shagging a neighbour.

Thankfully my friend found out and they are now getting divorced but he is claiming he was a House Husband, despite the baby going in to nursery FT from 6 months - he wants the house (was hers before they married), a big chunk of her pension, and 50/50 care (so doesn't have to pay any CMS money to her) despite never having the faintest interest in looking after the DC before all this.

Her SH solicitor says he doesn't have a hope of getting that but my friend is still looking at forking out a very large chunk of money (6 figures) for a clean break from this complete cocklodger and has been brought to her knees emotionally and financially by it all. She bitterly regrets allowing her desire for a child to override the doubts she already had about him - he too always needed to borrow money from her and would 'forget' that he owed it. Above all she regrets marrying him rather than have the baby but forego the marriage but she's a romantic and he played up to this very well, even down to the tear-jerker tracks on YouTube whenever she tried to dump him in the past. At her wedding her friends all felt the same, that this man was flaky and no good and she would rue the day. Sadly we were right, that same romantic man is utterly ruthless in his determination to extract as much money from her as he can and it has broken her.

Don't be my friend, OP.

It is a surprisingly common story. They go for high achieving but romantic, naive types.

The thing that struck my circle when this happened to a friends sister was how quickly his years of not being bothered by money changed.🙄

He aggressively went after everything she had built up and paid for, that he had NEVER contributed a penny to.

They didn't have children, yet he got half her substantial pension, as well as savings.
Gutting.

Scum.

@gutful

Send him “9-5” by Dolly Parton in return

this is perfect

Some of the very wise on here knew he would be in touch.

Keep him miles away and block .

He texted me a Youtube link with a heartbreaking song yesterday night

What an arsehole, he couldn't even spent the price of a bunch of flowers to try to emotionally manipulate you OP, just a text to a youtube link. Time to go on a blocking spree and take some time to yourself. You have a lot to offer the right person OP, and you deserve someone who will feel lucky yo have you. Onward and upwards.

Hi all, I have an update for those of you who are still following this pathetic story.

A friend of mine just called me to let me know that she saw his dating profile up on Tinder. This hurt a lot, although I wonder what else I expected from someone like him? Of course he can't stay single for a hot minute and is rushing into meeting someone else.

It still hurts though. I wonder if our relationship even meant anything to him. Feeling pretty down about it all today.

So sorry, InLove. Really hope you can be moved to block now.

It doesn't matter.

His goal was always self-serving. He doesn't want to be a functioning adult. He never has been. He's a parasite and luckily you got away from him before you permitted him to ruin your life. That's the main thing.

It's okay to be down. He used you, it stings.

Thanks for the update @InLoveAndLost .
We are all rooting for you . So glad you followed the advice. You have gained freedom and insight and listened to your gut and people on here .
It's time to turn round and celebrate. You have had a lucky escape , but it was down to you asking questions and following the advice . 💐♥️

I'm sorry. I can really understand that must have hurt, and how much you must have hoped that he really loved and valued you even if he couldn't get it together.

You are worth a thousand of him and you'll find someone who is worthy of you. That is cold comfort right now but hold on.

I’m sorry op. That’s shitty of him. This will get easier for you and then you’ll meet someone else and think what was I even thinking?

Of course that's hurtful. And the story isn't pathetic and neither are you. I suppose you know know that you were absolutely right to end it.

It will get better.

It's not a pathetic story. It is a learning curve . You were starting to realise and asked questions.
You are hurt because of what you think you have lost. You're feelings were real . His were not .
You will get over this and be stronger and wiser . You already are .

@AnneKipanki has nailed it. This hurts right now but in my experience the painful lessons are the most effective. You will come back from this stronger and more fabulous than ever. You just need a bit of time to digest what’s happened.

And FWIW, I expect he did care about you. You sound lovely. But he’s at best all fluff and no substance and utterly self-serving, as you were beginning to realise when you posted, and his affection is not only no use to you but continued involvement with him would have been massively to your detriment. You have helped yourself dodge a bullet.

Give yourself a bit of time to get over this. Then it’s onwards and upwards, OP!

OP,
As above.
Of course this stings.

I too believe he cared about you.
How could he not?
You sound like such a great young woman.

However, as @rawalpindithelabrador has written, his type are parasitic although actually very practical.

He knows he needs another 'host', that is his reality, the alternative is he provides for himself, and that is what he wants to avoid at all cost.

You are hurting now but it will pass quicker than you think.
He wasn't real, but his agenda was real.

Lean into your friends.

Dear OP, the only pathetic thing in this story is this big manbaby's behaviour. You seem like an exemplary person who has good instincts and listens to them, and your friends sound the same. A man who's worthy of you will come along but for now, look after yourself and take time to heal. I wish all women had your boundary setting skills!

I am sorry that you are hurting right now - but bizarrely I am really glad that he did that and that your friend told you because I think it will shift you along your healing journey faster.

I hope that you are now tapping into your anger - this will powerfully propel you far away from any pining and yearning which would have created a fantasy and lured you back to him.

You have done brilliantly by sensing something was off / not good enough and then being really brave to seek advice, consider it and put it into action at a very emotionally painful time for you.

You have achieved so much. Be proud of yourself.

You deserve so much more and anyone would be lucky to have you - so set your bar high.

But you know it was the correct decision, I hope the pain passes.

I'm sorry OP, I know it must hurt.

If it's any consolation, the advice you received here has been excellent; I wish I had known about MN 15 years ago, as I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, and compromise, and my life would have panned out very differently.