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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

257 replies

101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:23

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 13/06/2020 21:26

He is immature.

But if you're that tired, so to bed!

backseatcookers · 13/06/2020 21:26

You're not being precious, he hasn't been kind and as someone who has been through what you have (Thanks) this is the kind of thing that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Because I know I would dwell on how much of an arsehole thing it was for him to do especially as he didn't say oh fuck I'm sorry I didn't think when he saw you very clearly didn't find it funny.

JazzyJelly · 13/06/2020 21:26

You are not being unreasonable at all. That's horrible.

BluebellForest836 · 13/06/2020 21:28

At most he’s being childish and insensitive... other then that I can’t really see what’s wrong.

Tell him your tired and to leave you alone to sleep

IWantT0BreakFree · 13/06/2020 21:29

But if you're that tired, so to bed!

Fucking hell. OP, go to sleep wherever you bloody want in your own home. Dozing on the sofa doesn't mean your fair game for obviously unwanted sexual advances. He's a prick.

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:29

I will be going to bed, but sometimes I like to be able to relax on my sofa without worrying about being pounced on by a naked randy man.

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 13/06/2020 21:29

you're

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:31

My main bug bear is he knows I'm am anxious person and he knows why that is.

We've had sex plenty this past week and there was just no need for it. He could see I was tired and didn't care much about that, because he was in the mood he wanted me to be.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 13/06/2020 21:31

But if you're that tired, so to bed!

What the fuck, @LilyMarshall?!

So if you haven't officially retired to bed this is ok?!

Hopefully you didn't read the OP properly and now feel silly for such a dismissive response to someone in OP's situation.

2007Millie · 13/06/2020 21:32

I actually do think you're being precious.

He was having a laugh and I would laugh if my partner did this.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2020 21:33

I would be furious over that. It shows a complete lack of respect for you.

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:33

I don't mind being disagreed with, but my feelings are valid too

OP posts:
2007Millie · 13/06/2020 21:34

@101stNC

Of course your feelings are valid, but in my opinion you're overreacting. I really couldn't get worked up about something like this if I tried.

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:35

I don't see what's funny about throwing your genitals at somebody and frightening them unawares, but each to their own.

OP posts:
2007Millie · 13/06/2020 21:36

@101stNC

Well quite clearly he thought he was having a laugh, and I would laugh as well if I was in your situation.

BluebellForest836 · 13/06/2020 21:38

I think he was trying to have a laugh, presuming you are a couple that laugh and joke together?

If you really think he was trying to bring up bad memories of the rape then have a go at him but otherwise he was just being childish.

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:39

Good for you Millie. Some individuals have long lasting issues after a sexual assault. I am one of those with PTSD.

I will never be ok with something like this.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/06/2020 21:40

Op have you told him why it upset you? He might not realise that anything he - man you love who loves you who you have sex with - could be a trigger to your feelings about being raped.

He's a dick and it'd annoy me but I think only you know if this one was bad call or if he's consistently pushing your boundaries and trying to coerce you into sex

BluebellForest836 · 13/06/2020 21:40

And do you think he done it on purpose to bring up the past?

2007Millie · 13/06/2020 21:41

@101stNC

Then why on earth ask if you're being unreasonable? Clearly you feel your response was absolutely spot on and you are feeling the correct way so why even bother with this thread.

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:42

To be clear I don't think he was being malicious at all. He thought it would "turn me on"

I've had plenty of that this week and wanted a night off because I've had a shit day and just wanted to relax.

I think it was a dick move to keep pestering me when it was clear I wasn't in the mood, then to startle me and do that was just childish.

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 13/06/2020 21:44

Hopefully you didn't read the OP properly and now feel silly for such a dismissive response to someone in OP's situation. Hmm

No. I read it. His behaviour was childish and he sounds like a dickhead. It certainly isnt funny or sexy. I cant see myself finding someone who behaves like such a nob attractive. Which i said. He is immature.

But if youre falling asleep, go to bed. Sleep in your bed will be a much better quality. Op said she isnt feeling good today. If she goes to bed she might feel better tomorrow after a good night sleep. If she naps on the couch she will likely not be able to sleep later, and feel bad again tomorrow. Op shouldnt feel Obliged to stay up To keep her dp company, or just because it isnt ‘bedtime’ yet, when she is so tired.

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:46

[quote 2007Millie]@101stNC

Then why on earth ask if you're being unreasonable? Clearly you feel your response was absolutely spot on and you are feeling the correct way so why even bother with this thread.[/quote]
To hear other opinions, I don't need to agree with them but I am prepared to listen. I may feel differently tomorrow.

I have addressed it and asked him not to do that and explained why. It's not the first time I've had to address something like this.

I also don't appreciate being groped before I've opened my eyes in the morning.

We have a healthy sex life, my only requirement is that he doesn't indicate something unless I'm 1) conscious and 2) receptive.

OP posts:
Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:47

Doesn't initiate something**

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 13/06/2020 21:49

[quote 2007Millie]@101stNC

Of course your feelings are valid, but in my opinion you're overreacting. I really couldn't get worked up about something like this if I tried.[/quote]
What about if you were raped?

Do you think you’d get worked up over something like this if you’d previously been raped?