AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

[101stNC]

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

I am sad and worn down yes, I haven't been happy since having baby. It's not that I don't adore my child and give them my all because I do, but I've not taken to motherhood like a duck to water and it has been a struggle.

Throw in his insatiable sex drive and it's just hell.

I don't have any family to lean on and he's pretty much all we have.

I know you put this in Relationships but in your opening post you asked if you were being unreasonable.
I think you are.

Flymetothetoon
What an enlightening and thoughtful contribution!
Care to read the OP's posts and then elaborate?!

For the record, I did vote YANBU, my comments are more advisory on how you can better communicate in your relationships either with this man, or any other man in future. Be more explicit.

Yes i put it in relationships because AIBU is ruthless.

@AnotherEmma no you've put your own interpretation on it.
OP you have said at the beginning of the relationship the frequent sex was wonderful, now not so much. I guess you should consider there it's you that has changed, not him. I presume he's behaving the same now as he did at the beginning, then it was welcome, now it's not. Which is absolutely your prerogative of course, but the label sex pest does seem harsh when you used to like it?

Are you able to end the relationship and ask him to leave OP?
He really doesn’t sound as though he is contributing anything positive to your life. You seem quite defeated and depressed by his revolting behaviour.

In hindsight I should have explicitly said " not tonight darling" or words to that effect.

The reason I didn't is because I feel uncomfortable verbally rejecting him. He gets offended and sulks, goes silent and the atmosphere is awful. I don't like having to deal with that.

I hoped that the fact I'm clearly going to sleep would be enough as it would be for most people.

I will take that on board and be explicit next time.

So you're supposed to carry on having the same sex you did at the beginning despite changes in life, etc or he's not a sex pest?

I mildly disagree with that because the OP is relying on subtle nonverbal cues as her primary way to communicate her boundaries

'Subtle nonverbal cues!' Having her eyes closed is a subtle non verbal cue? Erm, how's about no?!

She roused herself and complimented him, saying “That’s nice” several times. (She was conscious and receptive- her boundaries as she has said them).

Then she closed her eyes again- not responsive and not 100% conscious or he wouldn'tve known (or cared) whether she was conscious or not. He knows she doesn't like sex when she is asleep, she has told him verbally in the past.

I think having one's eyes closed is a fairly clear 'no thanks' to someone initiating sex by jumping on you with his c*ck in your face.

Ah, Mumsnet, where the sane women are constantly plagued by abuse apologists

I guess you should consider there it's you that has changed, not him. I presume he's behaving the same now as he did at the beginning, then it was welcome, now it's not

He has got worse.

I could end the relationship yes it's just a daunting prospect doing so given that I've had a shaky start to motherhood.

Oh OP I think he is just adding to it - you are worn down sad and SCARED of him I think and his reactions.

I think you need to ask yourself how much is the struggle with motherhood down to him - are you concerned for example about how you deal with the baby will affect your ability to deal with him and his constant demands for sex.

My view is that I really do think you will find it all easier on your own without worrying about him. Does he have somewhere he could go maybe say you need some space after this incident.

It's victim blaming bingo on this thread
"You should have gone to bed instead of sleeping on the sofa" (she can sleep where the fuck she wants)
"You should have made it clearer you weren't interested" (anything other than enthusiastic consent is not consent)
"You used to like all the sex" (so that means she's not allowed to stop enjoying and wanting it?!)

Anything else I've missed?!

So let's flip it. If OP or anyone else here decided they wanted sex so started trying on new underwear and coming into a sleeping husband saying look at this, the sleepy husband opens his eyes says 'that's nice" then rolls back over with eyes closed, so you come back in with second set of pants on and say what about this - again sleeping husband cracks eye opened then turned over again saying very nice and went back to sleep...your next idea would be to sneak back in....loom over sleeping DH and put your vagina in his face with a big grin - husband opens eyes startled then turns over and freezes - would you A. Jump on him anyway and try to initiate sex even though he is obviously (not verbally but with body language) not showing sexual interest. Or B. Decide that your husband is obviously not wanting sex right now as he is clearly tired, and go and get dressed.

Come on most of us wouldnt have let it get past the first underwear show let alone carry on with the whole thing

Now imagine all of this WITH the knowledge your partner had confided in you they had been raped on a sofa and has made clear their triggers/PTSD AND you already have ALOT of sex.

No sorry this man has crossed the line. Men can read body language and pick up cues they arent this special type of human that can only understand direct instructions

Not going to lie, thought he was just a bit immature and looking for a laugh in your first post....and THEN THE MASSIVE DRIP FEED.

Yeah. We all love those opening posts that include an entire life story and take 10 minutes to scroll through.

I would have been irritated the first time he came in, OP. By appearance 3 I'd have been ready to do a John Wayne Bobbit.

the label sex pest does seem harsh when you used to like it?

@leolion1 As you've said, people are allowed to change their mind, fancy it less for a while etc. If their partner knows they're not as enthusiastic for it 3x a day, and yet carries on the same when they know their partner isn't as regularly up for it, then yes, they are a sex pest.

The reason I didn't is because I feel uncomfortable verbally rejecting him. He gets offended and sulks, goes silent and the atmosphere is awful. I don't like having to deal with that.

@101stNC Yes, this is how sexual coercion/ coercive control works. You felt you couldn't outright say no verbally, out of fear of the consequences.

@NoMoreDickheads @Italiangreyhound

I appreciate neither of you like the fact I've said the OP has massively drip fed, but she has.

The first post made it out in my opinion as though this was the first time this has happened and it was all meant genuinely lightheartedly, so I replied saying I wouldn't have been annoyed and I would've laughed.

OP in later posts reveals a whole host of problems and says this isn't the first time and there are deeper issues, so clearly that turns her husbands behaviour from potentially totally reasonable to massively unreasonable.

OP is obviously well within her rights to give as much of the story as and when she wants, but that means posters should not get annoyed with those commenting prior to a whole load of information

@AnotherEmma if you read my post and 'applied your brain' I did say it's her prerogative to change her mind on the frequency of sex.
However I don't think it's fair to label him a pest because he's behaving the same as he was at the beginning and she's changed. Although op has now said he's actually worse. Fair enough. But don't quote my posts and twist them.

I presume he's behaving the same now as he did at the beginning, then it was welcome, now it's not.

You do realise an awful lot changes when a woman has a baby? To her body, her energy levels, her focus? If he were a mature, caring and loving partner he would recognise this and back off. He would support her in raising their child and stop pestering her for sex.

With him knowing your history it reads as sexual sssault to me and makes my blood run cold tbh. This needs to stop. And it needs to stop without sulking or other manipulative behaviour. Tbh I'd leave someone for that.

The fact he has got worse, is it specifically since you had the baby and is it because he could resent that your focus is on being a parent?

TBH this makes it even worse

There's a separate thread on rape on here tonight, which I've responded to.

I totally feel where your coming from OP.

Only people who've gone through what we've gone through will understand our dismay.

However I don't think it's fair to label him a pest because he's behaving the same as he was at the beginning and she's changed.

It is. Anyone's allowed to go through a phase where they're not interested as often, and if they make it clear, then someone who's not a sex pest respects that. Also OP says he has got worse in fact.

It's like when a partner used to like us doing X, Y, Z and then I decided I wasn't into those things. Just because I did them in the past doesn't make it ok for him to nag once I've said I'm not up for it.

Someone who does this sort of thing is sexually coercive, abusive, worse than a pest- an abuser.

Maybe you should have a really blunt conversation with him and tell him straight and spelled out, 'I'm very uncomfortable that you sexually pester me so much. I know your sex drive is higher than mine, but I just don't want to have sex as often you want to. I would be much more comfortable with average of twice a week'. If he doesn't like that, refuses to accept it, or sulks like a toddler, then he needs to decide how important it is to your relationships future. You shouldn't feel so pressurised, totally irrespective of your trauamatic past.