AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

[101stNC]

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

@NoMoreDickheads yeah she said he's got worse after I posted. The previous post read differently.
I just find it abhorrent the way men are labelled abusers and pests so flippantly.

I'm not frightened of him per se, but the sulking and the bad atmosphere when i reject him does make me anxious so with that in mind I think it is true to say I'm frightened of consequences and therefore it does fall under coercive control.

When I addressed the matter with him before he moved out of the bedroom completely which to me was him making a stand, as in "if you're not going to have sex with me then I don't want to be near you" wrapped up as "I'm respecting what you have said"

He also did this under the guise of not wanting to keep me awake with his snoring because I'm a bad sleeper, but funnily enough he doesn't care much about that when he's pestering me for sex late at night.

"I just find it abhorrent the way men are labelled abusers and pests so flippantly."

Oh come off it. You know what's actually abhorrent? The fact that some men ARE abusers and sex pests, and women like you make excuses for them.

OP you havent answered - do you think your issues with motherhood are linked to this in that you are stressed for example if the baby is awake and he is giving you signals.

I think you know it needs to end

@MamaFirst

Maybe you should have a really blunt conversation with him and tell him straight and spelled out, 'I'm very uncomfortable that you sexually pester me so much. I know your sex drive is higher than mine, but I just don't want to have sex as often you want to. I would be much more comfortable with average of twice a week'. If he doesn't like that, refuses to accept it, or sulks like a toddler, then he needs to decide how important it is to your relationships future. You shouldn't feel so pressurised, totally irrespective of your trauamatic past.

I did do this.

It had been grinding me down for months and I finally addressed it which resulted in one massive sulk, then him saying he understood but then moving out of the bedroom completely which suited me just fine.

Once I was ready to initiate things again on my terms and he saw that I was interested he took that as a green light to resume his incessant pestering again. It's like he can't help himself.

I know that he can help himself, he just doesn't want to. I have on many occasions found myself googling sex addiction.

Please start making plans to end this relationship OP, it's going to take an increasing toll on your mental health and you can't start working through the PTSD while you're still with someone who is causing simmering anxiety and on edge feeling. You poor thing I'm sorry about all this, leaving him and focusing on your mental health for a while will be the best thing you ever did x

@leolion1frequency of sex changes in most relationships. And of course OP has changes. She's had a baby. She has priorities other than servicing hsr partner's erection and, yes, she will be more tired and more touched out. This is not OP moving the goalposts. This is OP being human.

@101stnc Then there's your answer I'm afraid.

@Quartz2208

OP you havent answered - do you think your issues with motherhood are linked to this in that you are stressed for example if the baby is awake and he is giving you signals.

I think you know it needs to end

I'm sorry I missed your post I'm on my phone and it's a slow brick. I will keep refreshing and try to stay up to speed.

To answer your question it is entirely possible I just hadn't considered it. Upon reflection i do think he has been a huge source of anxiety for me in the months after giving birth which will have definitely compounded my ability to adjust to motherhood smoothly.

He was making comments/suggestive comments within a month of me giving birth so I definitely felt there was a pressure there to resume, which did cause me stress.

@AnotherEmma

"I just find it abhorrent the way men are labelled abusers and pests so flippantly."

Oh come off it. You know what's actually abhorrent? The fact that some men ARE abusers and sex pests, and women like you make excuses for them.

I just want to say that I agree with your posts on this thread entirely. You've said everything better than I could. Glad someone else can see through all the victim blaming BS the OP is having to read through.

This is the first time anybody has ever said these things to me and confirmed my own gut feeling, so the thread has been eye opening.

I haven't discussed this with anybody irl so all I've had to base a judgment on has been my own uncomfortable feeling about it all.

Because of what happened to me my confidence has taken a plunge and I don't stand up for myself as much as I should, I also don't always trust my own judgement.

I have considered previously that perhaps he isn't the problem and it's my trauma that makes me feel the way I do.

It is liberating to be told that's not the case, so thank you

I'm glad it's been helpful op.
I hope you can get some real life support from women's aid or rape crisis.
In the longer term you might find the freedom programme helpful.

Feeling constant pressure would be a massive turn off. I'd tell him that, and if he sulks, so be it.

Otherwise he sulks, you relent, and he gets what he wants. Being glad it's your period so he stops hounding you for a few days a month is no way to live.

I do wonder whether he's jealous and a bit insecure he's no longer centre of attention since the baby came along.

I'd have laughed and been like wtf.

But if you're suffering from PTSD and he's a sex pest then I don't think you two are a good match.

Motherhood can be so hard at the best of times, I have no doubt that his behaviour is making everything worse. If you are in a position to chuck him out, please do think about it. You may find it's not only easier to cope with everything, but you are in a better frame of mind to find new sources of support.

I really hate the term sex pest (never heard it before coming to the UK). Where I come from, we'd call him a rapey bastard. He's emotionally coercing you to service him. Fuck him.

You are hugely overreacting.

He has done nothing wrong. He can’t possibly think that you would react so badly to something that most people would laugh at. Your past only plays on your mind - I doubt he gives it nearly as much thought as you do. You must bear this in mind when condemning him for what are normal behaviours.

@Osirus
Here's a groundbreaking idea! Read the OP's posts!

2007Millie you are entitled to say what you like. I was not having a go at you, I was defending the OP's right reveal at whatever time she wanted to. And I agree that posters early to a post may well make assumptions or say things based on that first post alone.

However, the OP said in her opening post "He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about." So right at the start of the post we know the original poster had a very traumatic thing happening in the last five years and the person who appeared naked from the waist down in front of her when she was napping is well aware of this.

You said "The first post made it out in my opinion as though this was the first time this has happened..." It may be the first time this specific thing happened but it didn't mean that anything else wasn't happening before of a similar nature. IMHO.

'Servicing' a man, is this really how some women view sex?

Your past only plays on your mind - I doubt he gives it nearly as much thought as you do.

Which is a problem for me.

Understanding and respect are so important and by him not caring about or considering something that causes me alot of trauma, that is telling me he doesn't give two hoots about my well-being.

I'm working through my trauma btw, i'm being proactive and taking responsibility for getting better but he certainly hasn't helped matters and has probably made it worse.

I'm sorry to say this but guys like him are often happy to find women who have been the victim of sexual assault or abuse, precisely because our boundaries are all messed up. But this is just a different form of abuse.

There are men out there who don't need to be told a million times to back off, who understand what proper consent is, who don't sulk when they don't get as much sex as they like. That's the kind of man you deserve to be with. You just need to get rid of this asshole first.

Also, I wonder if when posters are talking about something very important or dramatic (or even something mundane) they may not remember all the details at first. They may not even not feel sure how they feel about all this (hence posting for views), may not feel confident in the fact they feel upset (hence asking AIBU?) and may not feel ready to reveal all.

That is my reason for saying it is the *OP's story to reveal as she feels ready.

Ffs.....he wanted sex and initiated it....you said no...
This is a scenario...yes or no...that is played out every night across the land ....what is the issue?

Servicing' a man, is this really how some women view sex?

That's not how I view a healthy (i.e., fully consensual) sex life.

If a man expects a woman to have sex with him all the time, even when she is not up for it, even when he has to pester her and sulk and coerce her, then yes, he is basically just looking for someone to service him. Not someone to have mutually enjoyable sex with.

Ok ...so hands up I haven't RTFT..... so apols if I've completely missed the point