AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

[101stNC]

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

I had a feeling this was going to be a sex pest because anyone who's not would have done the boxer thing once, seen you weren't receptive and stopped. You don't pounce on someone to 'give them a cuddle' when you see they're falling asleep.

That's my thinking too.

It was crystal clear I wasn't receptive and wasn't responding to the situation, when the first time didn't get the response he wanted he tried again wearing different pants. Like different pants would make a difference to whether a woman is in the mood for sex.

When the second attempt failed he just thought fuck it I'll leap on her with my genitals out.

He has absolutely no concept of the startle response in PTSD sufferers and that's largely because he hasn't bothered to educate himself on the subject. I've explained many times how my trauma manifests itself and that boundary pushing for sex is a huge trigger.

Minor but relevant detail here was that my rape also occurred on a sofa in not too dissimilar circumstances. Huge trigger.

Once I composed myself I explained that I wasn't comfortable with what he'd done and said exactly why that was. I said I know he doesn't care much for his boundaries (an example of this would be asking me to wake him up early by performing a sexual act) but reiterated that for me, it's imperative that I'm able to express my consent otherwise it's a huge breach of my boundaries.

He didn't apologise, he was probably embarrassed so he quickly changed the subject.

Not going to lie, thought he was just a bit immature and looking for a laugh in your first post....and THEN THE MASSIVE DRIP FEED.

can never understand why people don't put full context in their posts and then do it later on to get people to side with them.

If he's known to be a sex pest and this is a constant issue then all I can suggest is counselling.

Or that you're not well matched as he very clearly has a very high libido

Just to clarify I didn't snap and raise my voice, once I had composed myself I did explain very calmly.

I also pre-faced my point with "I'm not implying that you were trying to upset me but..."

I've explained many times how my trauma manifests itself and that boundary pushing for sex is a huge trigger.

So he's either pathologically stupid or doesn't care.

I'm sorry OP, that's really awful. I understand how hard it must be if he's good in other ways but this is no way to live.

@101stNC

Oh I have done, I've addressed it a handful of times and nothing changes.

He'll rein it in for a few weeks and then it's back to square one.

We are very much a team in every other aspect of the relationship from parenting to personal interests, but this is something that really grinds me down.

Sorry to hear that OP. It doesn't sound good.

@PicsInRed

OP, do you actually want all of this sex you're having with your partner?

Does he push the issue until you relent? If you say no, would he accept it with good grace, or would he "punish" you, even just by sulking and treating you like shit?

Do you ever have sex with him to placate him, keep him "sweet" and make home life less unpleasant? Do you have sex with him just to make endless pestering end?

Honestly no I don't want all of the sex we're having. I want some of it because despite my trauma I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood, but I'm only ever in the mood once or twice a week and the rest is all him.

Alot of the time I go along with it for his benefit to make him happy and placate his ridiculous sex drive. He's more pleasant to be around when he isn't being rejected.

I addressed it before and he reigned it in but then became sulky and sullen because he thought I wasn't attracted to him.

TBH I think he DOES KNOW he just doesn't care enough to not try it on regardless. This doesn't seem to be the first time he has ignored your very reasonable request but yet he has done it again???

WTF! NO!

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

He should've been able to realize with the 'they're nice' and snoozing again that you weren't in the mood.

Was he drunk or anything?

I think it's a bit rapey tbh. I would've been freaked out too.

It's like he was in the mood and he didn't really care whether you were or not.

Your DH knows you, he should know how you would respond to something like this. In fact, he does know, he just thinks his feelings should override yours.

What sort of thing did he do when you say 'pounce?' If you're ok to share. It doesn't sound nice at all.

I'm glad you realize your feelings are valid. xxxxx

Doing stuff to you while you're unconscious is sexual assault, as you know.

You don't have to shag this guy if you don't want to. The sexual assaults would put me off.

There's a life of freedom from this stuff out there for you. It's relaxing, I promise you.

You don't owe him sex, even when you're conscious. xxx

He's relentless and as we have a baby sometimes I feel touched out. We had sex three times in 24 hours the other day, he's never satisfied with just the once. I just wanted to relax on my sofa and not deal with that tonight.

This is disgusting. Trust me, it is wonderful to be free- so peaceful.

Depressingly he is manipulating you continually so that your boundaries are eroded down... he felt entitled to do what he did without ANY consideration to how you were feeling both in the moment or related to the past

He either doesn't understand your feelings on this subject which means it's not a good match.

Or he does and understand but doesn't care which means it's not a good match.

As I said OP I have had a similar trauma so for me, trust is paramount as is the feeling that at any point for any reason, if it's clear I'm not in the mood or something has triggered me my partner would immediately stop and be kind. That should be the bare minimum.

He doesn't sound very nice x

Op is this the right man for you?

Oh OP :(

You shouldn't have to have sex to placate him or keep him in a good mood. I totally understand how you fell into doing this, but you should only have sex when YOU want it.

If he can't deal with that, then he's a fucking bastard and you are well rid of him.

@Werkwerkwerkwerkwerkwerk

Not going to lie, thought he was just a bit immature and looking for a laugh in your first post....and THEN THE MASSIVE DRIP FEED.

can never understand why people don't put full context in their posts and then do it later on to get people to side with them.

If he's known to be a sex pest and this is a constant issue then all I can suggest is counselling.

Or that you're not well matched as he very clearly has a very high libido

I don't think it's a massive drip feed.

People are less likely to stay with me and read the whole post if I were to detail everything off the bat. I would still be writing my OP now.

If people have questions or ask me something, I will respond with context and elaborate.

I didn't intend to divulge my full history initially but thought actually it's very relevant to the post.

I'm not mentioning my rape to "get people on side"

I welcome being disagreed with. I will listen to other perspectives.

Minor but relevant detail here was that my rape also occurred on a sofa in not too dissimilar circumstances

I presume he knows that?

If he does, I'd leave him. It would be the final straw in his 'I-don't-give-a-shit' behaviour.

He's an immature sex pest who cares much more about getting his end away than you

I know you have a baby together, but I'd definitely end it anyway. He doesn't care that you were raped (in fact I'd go so far as to say HE probably doesn't even see what happened as rape).

You can't live your life like this 🌷

All he cares about is his own needs. It was blatantly obvious you did not want sex.

His behaviour is wrong on so many levels. It sounds like a lot of the sex you have is just to placate him. This is dire, op.

He has absolutely no concept of the startle response in PTSD sufferers and that's largely because he hasn't bothered to educate himself on the subject.

I don't think most women would be impressed by this even if they didn't have PTSD, and men know that without having to research it.

I've explained many times how my trauma manifests itself and that boundary pushing for sex is a huge trigger.

No woman should have to put up with this, trauma or no.

Minor but relevant detail here was that my rape also occurred on a sofa in not too dissimilar circumstances. Huge trigger.

Brrr, that's not minor. I'm so sorry OP

He doesn't care about your comfort, as you say, he's just obsessed with sex.

I said I know he doesn't care much for his boundaries (an example of this would be asking me to wake him up early by performing a sexual act) but reiterated that for me, it's imperative that I'm able to express my consent otherwise it's a huge breach of my boundaries.

I'm sure he does care about his boundaries, he just has different ones. Assuming his straight, how would he feel if a man shoved his genitals in his face to wake him up or something? Or whatever he isn't into (someone urethral sounding him without his consent or something.) I'm sure he'd have boundaries then!

He didn't apologise, he was probably embarrassed so he quickly changed the subject

He didn't even apologize. The correct response to embarrassment at having done something wrong is 'oh, I'm really sorry' etc. So I don't think he was embarrassed at all, he just doesn't give much of a shit.

I don't think he has much of a normal emotional range/empathy, that's probably why he needs intense stuff to get off.

I addressed it before and he reigned it in but then became sulky and sullen because he thought I wasn't attracted to him.

I would say this was a manipulative tactic 'you just don't fancy me' or whatever, to try and get you to give in. Either way, sulking at the other person for not being in the mood is not ok.

He doesn't have an entitlement to sex.

a bit unfair that you hide the fact of your rape (sorry) from DP? guess he would behave sensibly if you told him

@guanciale You seem to have misread something. OP has told him repeatedly and he knows she was raped and all the details, but he doesn't give a shit.

"It's not the first time I've had to address something like this."
Warning bells

"I also don't appreciate being groped before I've opened my eyes in the morning."
Are you saying he's done this?

"We have a healthy sex life, my only requirement is that he doesn't [initiate] something unless I'm 1) conscious and 2) receptive."
And you actually had to spell this out to him? That you need to be conscious?

"We had sex three times in 24 hours the other day, he's never satisfied with just the once."
So he's hugely demanding, a sex pest.

but at the same time PTSD causes over-reactions when it is triggered so you have to own not the reaction, but the over reaction piece.

@PlanDeRaccordement Maybe if it was a one-off mistake that he'd made, but it's not. And it's not an overreaction- OP is living in an environment where her sexual boundaries are being consistently breached, on top of the trauma she already has.

Sorry if I'm cross posting, im on my phone and it's slow.

He wasn't drunk no, he isn't a drinker at all bar on special occasions.

To elaborate on what he did after I didn't respond enthusiastically to him waltzing around in his pants.

I was slouching on the sofa with my eyes closed (again) and I sensed somebody looming over me so I opened my eyes (again) to see his privates in front of my face. I looked up and he had a big grin on his face. It caught me off guard and startled me so I instinctively turned my head away and froze. As I did that he pounced on me, much like a child would if they are going in to wake the parent in the morning, except he was naked and trying to entice me into sex.

I hope that makes sense, it's hard to explain because however I word it it just sounds ridiculous.

I asked him what he was doing and why he did that and he tried to style it out by saying he was just giving me a cuddle because he saw I was falling asleep.

That was a lie and he knew exactly what he was doing and why he did it. He was trying for a third time to entice me into sex and deliberately ignoring my very obvious cues that I wasn't interested tonight.

@guanciale OP specifically said in her OP that her partner is already aware of what happened to her in the past.

Damn, hit post too soon.

"He's more pleasant to be around when he isn't being rejected."
Sexual coercion (sulking when you say no).

OP, you were raped which is sexual abuse.
And you are still being sexually abused. Your partner is a sexual abuser.
Please contact Women's Aid and/or Rape Crisis for some support.
You are never going to feel safe until you leave him. You will never be able to recover from PTSD while you are continuing to suffer the trauma of sexual abuse.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/coercive_sexual_abuse.html

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/sexual_abuse.html