Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

257 replies

101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:23

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

OP posts:
Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 22:53

@guanciale

a bit unfair that you hide the fact of your rape (sorry) from DP? guess he would behave sensibly if you told him
He knows all about it, I have told him on many occasions by referencing it as why I'm not ok with some of his behaviour.
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 13/06/2020 22:54

You really shouldn’t have to be so explicit, but I think he needs telling very clearly when you aren’t in the mood. For him to have continued a third time when you so very clearly weren’t in the mood astounds and horrifies me. He appears to think that your extremely obvious cues are unimportant, which worries me for your future. He is a sex pest.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2020 22:56

You are not being precious and you are right to find this unacceptable.

leolion1 · 13/06/2020 22:57

I don't understand why men who like to have sex with their partners frequently are labelled sex pests? It's such a derogatory term. It's normal to desire your partner.
Having said that given your circumstances he should be more thoughtful. There's a fine line between normal jokey behaviour in a loving relationship and behaviour which can be triggering, I imagine, in your situation?
It sounds like you made your point clear in a reasonable way so I hope he takes that on board.

AnotherEmma · 13/06/2020 23:00

"don't understand why men who like to have sex with their partners frequently are labelled sex pests?"

This is not just "a man who likes to have sex with his partner frequently". He pesters her for sex, he sexually assaults her while she is sleeping, he sulks if she says no, he persists in his behaviour despite her repeatedly explaining why it upsets her and triggers her PTSD. That's what makes him a sex pest.

Is that really so hard to understand?!

NoMoreDickheads · 13/06/2020 23:00

You really shouldn’t have to be so explicit, but I think he needs telling very clearly when you aren’t in the mood. For him to have continued a third time when you so very clearly weren’t in the mood astounds and horrifies me.

@Cherrysoup Not only that, OP had her eyes shut and was half asleep, so it was undeniably clear she wasn't up for it (he knows 'sleep sex' is a hard no for her as it is for most people- she's told him.)

As you go on to say, he knew- he didn't care, and tried to override it.

2007Millie · 13/06/2020 23:01

@overnightangel

Not at all. But OP has massively drip fed here and all my responses were prior to knowing a majority of things.

AnotherEmma · 13/06/2020 23:01

'sleep sex'?! Otherwise known as rape?!

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2020 23:03

"We had sex three times in 24 hours the other day, he's never satisfied with just the once. I just wanted to relax on my sofa and not deal with that tonight," That sounds very grim, I'd hate that.

"I actually look forward to my period coming as sad as that sounds. It just sounds sad for you that you have to put up with it.

He just sounds very selfish and immature.

I am so sorry you are not wrong to be upset. Thanks

Quartz2208 · 13/06/2020 23:04

Oh OP this doesnt sound like a healthy dynamic - he pushes you into sex you dont want and doesnt seem to want to take no for an answer

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this - how is he going to be when you have a toddler and 3 times a day no longer works.

I think you need to tell him that your sex drive is once or twice a week. You wont be having anymore because you dont want to. And no more doing things like this. If he isnt happy with that he has choices to stay or go. If he continues to disrespect you its over.

I have to say his behaviour is sexually abusive anyway but to do it to someone with your history shows just what he thinks

leolion1 · 13/06/2020 23:04

@AnotherEmma well you've twisted what the op has actually said there and made it all sound a lot worse.

AnotherEmma · 13/06/2020 23:05

"Twisted"? No I've just read her post and applied my brain. Try it.

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 23:05

I don't agree with all men being referred to as sex pests but in this case he really is one unfortunately.

I wouldn't confirm that label without it being true. I've had a handful of relationships and always had a healthy sex life including a few ONS, and I've not come across anybody quite as sex obsessed as he is.

It was wonderful at the start to feel so desired but I just can't be enthusiastic about the sheer volume of sex that he wants.

I was very sore a few weeks ago because of the amount of sex had in a short space of time. He has conveniently forgotten that and continues to pester me regardless of the fact we may of had sex that morning and afternoon.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 13/06/2020 23:05

^posts (plural)

Imcrapwithusernames · 13/06/2020 23:07

He sounds like a massive sex pest who doesnt respect your wishes, 3 times in one day for someone who looks forward to her period to get a break from sex is insane (unless that was one of the times you wanted to have sex) he is TOO much. I'm so sorry about you being raped, your partner is a complete dick for not putting your feelings/triggers before his sexual wants. In what world did he think that whole scene was sexy - an underwear show followed by sneaking up on a sleeping woman and putting his willy in your face then POUNCING on top of you (this might be immature if the big goon didn't know your past/triggers/PTSD but as he did know - it's just massively creepy and disgusting)

Quartz2208 · 13/06/2020 23:07

@101stNC are you happy. You sound sad and worn down. Why are you with someone who you label a sex pest and triggers you

Original poster
101stNC · 13/06/2020 23:07

I've read my thread back and I now agree I have drip fed, sorry about that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/06/2020 23:09

He sounds addicted tbh! 3 times per day when you have a child and he would like that most days???

DH managed daily (pretty much) when our DC were young but it was very much when we went to bed for the night and very much after cuddling and kissing and not some marathon event as we were both too tired!

NoMoreDickheads · 13/06/2020 23:09

OP has massively drip fed here

@2007Millie I think rape, and sexual assault (what her 'D'H aka abuser has been doing is sexual assault at best) aren't things that a lot of women comfortably come out with.

Also, the whole point of OP's post is she wanted to know whether she was being 'unreasonable to be seriously annoyed' - so, she wanted to know whether most women would have felt the same. Giving the extra details would've detracted from the objective opinion she wanted IYSWIM.

In most threads, women reveal more later on, especially darker stuff.

AnotherEmma- allegedly, some women like it and give a blanket consent to it in advance. For the rest of us it's rape though.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2020 23:09

OP When and how much, and how you reveal bits of YOUR story are totally up to you.

I don't like the drip feed accusation, it's very dismissive.

It's your situation and as and when things appear relevant to you, you are welcome to say them. Of course.

I think it's important to say it. I appreciate some may not like what they call 'drip-feeds' but I think it's all about you and you decide how to say Thanks

DandyMandy · 13/06/2020 23:10

You're absolutely right to be annoyed. I'm sorry you've been through a lot and this man clearly thinks startling you is funny which it isn't at all. Think long and hard about this relationship. Also, ignore the "if you were tired you should have went to bed" lot. So you're not allowed to have a sleep on your own sofa now? Nah, to hell with that rubbish. To the other person saying they would laugh about it, good for you. Not everyone reacts the same and this woman has been raped so of course she was frightened. Hope you're okay.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/06/2020 23:10

This made my blood run cold.

I was slouching on the sofa with my eyes closed (again) and I sensed somebody looming over me so I opened my eyes (again) to see his privates in front of my face. I looked up and he had a big grin on his face. It caught me off guard and startled me so I instinctively turned my head away and froze. As I did that he pounced on me, much like a child would if they are going in to wake the parent in the morning, except he was naked and trying to entice me into sex.

If i opened my eyes to that, basically pinned down on the sofa by a naked man i think id be terrified. Similar history to you.

He's sexually abusive by the way. He chose to do this while you were dozing on a sofa, knowing what has happened to you. He is coercing you into sex you don't want many times a week and if you don't let him have access to your body he punishes you by sulking. He assaults you while you're asleep.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/06/2020 23:11

NoMoreDickheads
“OP is living in an environment where her sexual boundaries are being consistently breached, on top of the trauma she already has.”

I mildly disagree with that because the OP is relying on subtle nonverbal cues as her primary way to communicate her boundaries. I do not agree that it was “crystal clear” she wasn’t in the mood. I think she needs to be more explicit. She was sleepy on sofa, and he was trying to initiate sex by modelling underwear. She roused herself and complimented him, saying “That’s nice” several times. (She was conscious and receptive- her boundaries as she has said them).

But he’s supposed to somehow understand “Not in the mood, too tired” from her responding to his modelling positively saying “That’s nice”? If a positive response is not being receptive, then what is it? Why can’t she say what she means?

I do not understand women who cannot just be blunt and honest with their man. When my DH is in the mood and doing his wooing, if I’m not in the mood, I just flatly tell him he’s lovely but not tonight.

AnotherEmma · 13/06/2020 23:11

It's OK, OP. You don't have to tell the whole story in your first post. People love to accuse OPs of drip feeding when they completely fail to read the situation. It's really not hard to read the rest of your posts before replying. Maybe you could/should have explained a bit more at the beginning but you don't have to apologise to anyone.

HorsesDoovers · 13/06/2020 23:11

I couldn't live like this OP, how do you put up with it? So much sex you are sore, when you don't even want it most of the time? Ugh, I feel a bit ill reading through your posts, sorry to be so blunt but I would have to get out of this relationship. Nothing so much of a turn off as a sex pestSad

Swipe left for the next trending thread