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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

257 replies

101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:23

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

OP posts:
Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 20:03

There's alot of sterling advice on there thank you.

He's uncharacteristically quiet and anti-social this evening, probably because I addressed things earlier on.

OP posts:
OrchidJewel · 14/06/2020 20:05

Goodness 101 if your not back in the spare room move back. This is absolutely not acceptable, or normal you poor thing

Whataloadofshite · 14/06/2020 20:30

@101stNC

There's alot of sterling advice on there thank you.

He's uncharacteristically quiet and anti-social this evening, probably because I addressed things earlier on.

This will be one of the most dangerous times for you right now. When men get like this, they can turn extremely nasty. Please be careful and keep as safe as you possibly can.
Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 22:00

He has never been violent or indicated that he could be so I'm not worried about that, it's just the bad atmosphere I spoke of upthread. This is what happens when I address something or abstain from sex.

He sits on his phone watching YouTube videos and doesn't speak to me unless he has to. Childish.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 14/06/2020 22:21

Trust me, there is always the first time. I didn't think my appallingly abusive first husband would do what he did, until he did it.
Raped, strangled and beat me to a pulp.
But I never thought he would, until the time he did...

Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 22:26

I'm so sorry cat, that's heartbreaking Sad

I will keep my wits about me. I suppose you never do know somebody until they show you exactly who they are, a selfish pest in this case.

I hope you've managed to find your peace?

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 14/06/2020 22:27

Sulking? You expected that. He thinks you'll now have the appeasement sex that he's used to getting from you.

billy1966 · 14/06/2020 22:37

Christ OP, you poor woman.

You are living with a disgusting, odious sex pest.

Tell him to stay awsy from you until you tell him otherwise

Awful. Just awful.

Protect yourself.
You are NOT wrong to fine him repulsive.

Flowers
OhYeahYouSuck · 14/06/2020 23:11

You didn't have to clearly tell him you weren't interested. The fact you did and said nothing apart from start to fall back asleep after the first time he came in in his underwear said it all. If you had been interested you would have clearly made some sort of signal. He knew. He didn't give a shit.

I hope you do leave him. The fact you've had to bring this up repeatedly tells youhe will never get it, because he doesn't care.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/06/2020 23:15

I can't get over this bit: We had sex three times in 24 hours the other day, he's never satisfied with just the once. I just wanted to relax on my sofa and not deal with that tonight.

Where was the baby during all this sex??

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 14/06/2020 23:54

OP, this man is vile. I agree with the PP that said if you have to show a man the tea video, they’re not the one. If they go on to find the analogy ‘amusing’ then they are pond scum.
Unsurprising that when called on his behaviour, that he’s sulking now, but I am heartened to read that you’ve decided to stop having appeasement sex. Make no mistake, what your partner doing is abusive, sexually and emotionally, and unquestionably coercive control.
This is also an important time to think - what am I modelling to my child about healthy sexual relationships? Would I want my son coercing women into sex? Would I want my daughter being coerced into sex she doesn’t want? Because they are the views and values, your partner will teach your child. I wouldn’t want him within 10 feet of any child of mine.

Catmaiden · 15/06/2020 00:07

I'm great now, thanks, got out, divorced the shit, now married to DH for 40 odd years, he's lovely

and you can get away as well . And live single, or partnered, as you please.

Please, get away from him, he's no good for you or your child

justilou1 · 15/06/2020 04:35

Let’s be honest, OP... it doesn’t matter where you were raped, does it? He knows you were raped. He knows you have PTSD and startle response. If he gave a shit about you he would educate himself about it and do his damndest to help you. Has he done any of this? Have you had to show him everything? Has he been reluctant? Ask yourself why.....

vikingwife · 15/06/2020 06:54

Can I ask has he ever touched you while you were actually asleep ? He sounds like a sex pest. My rapist was a sex pest. The rape happened when I didn’t want to have sex for the upteenth time that day he had wanted it. He had a pattern for wanting sex multiple times in one day.

It’s harassment & it’s wrong.

Also he doesn’t care about what turns you on, that’s why he did that ridiculous boxer shorts parade. Because that’s how he wants YOU to come onto him, swanning around in lingerie trying on bras & undies & ask for his opinion, or to dress up provocatively & pounce on him. He only sees sex & intimacy through a selfish, self centred lens.

I hope you are free of him one day.

vikingwife · 15/06/2020 06:55

@justilou1 exactly. It doesn’t matter where the OP was raped. Her trauma is an annoyance. Likely him having consenting sex & getting her off is a huge ego stroke to him. Like, even the rape victim can’t resist me!

He is guaranteed to be a secret misogynist. I have no doubt.

vikingwife · 15/06/2020 06:58

And silent treatment & sulking to dissuade you from declining his seedy advances again ? That is emotional abuse. He is putting his hurt feelings over your trauma & right to personal space & to say no you don’t want sex.

There is no decent bloke on earth who would think your husband’s behaviour is ok. Not every guy wants to have sex multiple times a day either & would think someone having a strop because they wanted to have a root 3 times in a day was a tosser

vikingwife · 15/06/2020 06:58

Not wanted, that he expected to have sex multiple times would be what makes him a tosser to other blokes. Because we know that is unrealistic on a regular basic.

BendyLikeBeckham · 15/06/2020 07:43

OP I do hope you find the strength and the wherewithal to leave him. He will get worse with his demands, his selfishness and his casual approach to consent. I am worried you will end up being raped again, this time by him.

Girlsjustwanna · 16/06/2020 23:48

I hope you’re ok op. He’s sexually abusive. Your child and you deserve better

Original poster
101stNC · 17/06/2020 10:18

@CandyLeBonBon

I can't get over this bit: We had sex three times in 24 hours the other day, he's never satisfied with just the once. I just wanted to relax on my sofa and not deal with that tonight.

Where was the baby during all this sex??

It's during her naps and when she's sleeping at night. She's never in the room/awake and aware of it.

I'm ok all, thanks for asking. I've confided in somebody irl and their advice echoes what has been said here.

I've put up boundaries and am no longer having any sex I don't want to have. The sulking has stopped, for now.

He's a selfish git but he isn't violent so I'm not at risk in that sense. I feel as though i could have put a stop to this alot sooner by not going along with it whenever he liked and if I'd have done that then the relationship may have already been over because clearly sex is something he prioritizes.

I'm not in a position to be able to leave within the next couple of weeks, but I haven't discounted it and i know it's something that needs to be actioned in the near future. I have realised that the relationship is not sustainable and I've taken everything here on board here.

I want to thank you all again for opening my eyes to something that i wasn't seeing for what it was.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/06/2020 10:27

So glad you have someone IRL just take one day at a time for now and make plans that work for you. If his behaviour escalated you can speak to your local "domestic violence" police team - they deal with other things not just DV and they may be called something else but they will have a specialist team.

TwentyViginti · 17/06/2020 10:27

Glad you're ok. See, he CAN control himself and stop the sulking. His dick hasn't dropped off through lack of your pandering to it either, I assume.

ThePathToHealing · 17/06/2020 11:00

Keep talking to us, to people irl. I'd also suggest the freedom program (can be done online) or reading up on abuse. If you've pointed out behaviour you don't like he may instead ramp up on things you haven't specifically said is unacceptable. Also if in a few days or weeks you don't revert back to the 'norm' then he might get worse.

I completely understand the feeling of why didn't I do it sooner but I remember the day I took action like you have just done and felt empowered because I knew I could stand up for my feeling and wants and ultimately leave. Don't underestimate just how much you've achieved in setting boundaries. Society tells us not to have boundaries and to give our bodies over willing and to go against that (rightfully) is huge. This is your turning point and we are all cheering you on.

Quartz2208 · 17/06/2020 11:03

Are you finding parenting easier - I do think the stress of getting her to the naps and sleeping in order to deal with him was a big part of your motherhood stresses. I hope you are finding it easier now boundaries are in place

I wouldnt be surprised though if he doesnt threaten to leave as a next step

RandomMess · 17/06/2020 11:11

Must have been - ah baby asleep some desperately needed "me" time but no him and his dick wanted servicing and to take what little energy you had left SadSadSadSadSadAngry