Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

Sorry clicky link to last thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

Yes it does sound very unkind. Perhaps dd could have a little tree with her own baubles on it at their house, maybe in her bedroom?

Odd behaviour but I wouldn't get involved, put all the baubles on your tree.

Your ex is the problem here. If he’s allowing his partner to dictate Christmas tree decorations and your relationship with him. That’s down to him.

Not much you can do.

Wonder how far he’ll let this go on.

She sounds a right pschyo. Say nothing it’ll fizzle out with a bit of luck

I suggest you do not overthink thus.

They have decided how they want to decorate their house, and their ideas are not the sanpme as yours. That's fine.

The idea of positioning some of DD's baubles came from you, not her. Let it drop.

Don't read too much in to how he phrased it to you. He's probably telnyou both what you want to hear

She has two DDs herself so I imagine they’ll be putting all their baubles and decorations on the tree. Yes, definitely will have a nice tree decorating session at my house with DD. We are also going to my parents’ to help decorate their tree (with lots of my childhood decorations!) so she will enjoy that too.

Very childish and selfish behaviour by your Ex new partner. Pick your battles I would let this one go. Its her loss in the end.

I would imagine any baubles you sent over would have broken (mysteriously) if he hadn’t told you not to.

I can't see anything to get worked up about. Some people just like a co-ordinated Christmas tree, and 5 year olds aren't exactly known for their taste in interior design. It's not like she's said your DD's presents can't go under the tree!

Auntiestella I agree. She might have a theme. It's not the end of the world.

After the last thread, it comes across like you are testing her (or Ex).

NoHummus I know some people like a coordinated tree, but it isn’t really about a 5 year old’s lack of interior design, it’s about a 5 year old feeling comfortable, accepted and part of the family with her Dad in their new blended family, and not feeling like an outsider.

I had no ulterior motive in suggesting DD take some baubles over there, not a test at all. I hadn’t really thought anything of it, it just seemed natural to me and I never thought it would be something a deal would be made over. I haven’t taken it any further.

It won't even occur to DD that this is a possibility.

There are way more important things than your ideas about tree decs in terms of how happy she will be there.

Back off. You do not have any say in someone else's home Xmas es.

Sorry but she sounds a bitch. Coordinated trees my arse. Unless the tree is in the middle of the room baubles that don't fit the theme could go at the back. That's where I put my kids salt dough things and they're all late twenties.

Maybe they will all make some new baubles for their tree together. Maybe she just wants to do something new that is them all, and not something DD did when you were with your ex. I don't know.

She sounds an insecure nightmare but some people are unbelievably fussy about what goes on their tree. Takes some of the joy away IMO but my tree does look like an explosion in bauble factory!

New dp will learn one day that there's more to life than colour co-ordinated, perfect decorations. It does seem really mean (& immature) to not let dd put some of her own decorations on but it sounds like it's causing a row so her own little tree sounds the best solution, it'll make her room nice & Christmassy.

I think the thing is you've been separated for 3 years.

Why is this the first year you've suggested putting dd decks on his tree?
I wonder what his DP would have said and done if they'd always been at dads and always went on his tree?

I get from your side you're just a mum wanting to make sure you're dd feels welcome in her dads house.

From her side though it may feel like a mum who's trying to be part of their relationship and dictate what they do.

I wouldn't read too much into it so far. But I would be aware for signs of exclusion.

This is not worth rocking the boat over.

Just read your update & she already has children! Absolutely not ok to not allow dd a few baubles in that case. I imagined her to not have dc from the fuss.

I haven’t taken it any further.

OP I know you are looking out for your DD but you are coming across (to me) slightly bitter.

You've lost your closeness with Ex after his DP asked you to stop texting 'as mates'.

This is one of those threads where I would be interested to hear the other side.

Did he not have a tree between you splitting and this year?

I think its an odd thing of you to ask to be honest. She'll acquire ornaments she likes at her Dads house as time passes the same as she did at your house.

There may be no end of reasons why the new DP doesn’t want baubles from your house.
I’d let it go. Not worth causing an issue over

She probably sees it as you marking your territory at her place. (I know it’s not...) She sounds batshit, and he sounds spineless. Great pair.