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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
lazymoz · 01/12/2019 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 15:27

ItStartedWithAKiss241 This is their first Christmas together as a blended family. I’m sure over the years they will start to build up a shared stock of special decorations etc.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 01/12/2019 15:27

You are really over thinking this.
Some people just arent in to having a tree with the same ornaments on year after year and are nit at all sentimental about them.

Or it could be that as their first year together she/they want to start anew with their own stuff

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 15:28

ColaFreezePop I genuinely have moved on and am very happy with my new partner. I don’t forget the ways in which exh was a shit husband. My only motivation is the happiness and wellbeing of DD.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/12/2019 15:28

I’m sure over the years they will start to build up a shared stock of special decorations etc.

Or they won't. Not all people place the same importance on the same things that you do.

GnomeDePlume · 01/12/2019 15:31

@BertrandRussell it's not weird just not how you do things.

We never put home made decorations on our tree. Not that our tree ever looks particularly well dressed just that I don't like individual or personalised decorations.

rhubarbcrumbles · 01/12/2019 15:31

Did you DD ask to take some of her baubles there to put on the tree or did you suggest it?

dontgobaconmyheart · 01/12/2019 15:31

I do swe your point OP but I think you're making a bit much out of it and seem very keen to revel in how jealous his new DP is. Why can they not just go out and choose their own decorations for the tree together for their family and their home?

In all honesty I wouldn't have suggested it to DD in the first place unless she had asked knowing that there is an existing issue with his DP, it's not exactly a standard thing to share so was hardly going to end well.

Not assigning blame OP but it's just better off left, and better off just letting them get on with their lives. Your ExDP wants to keep his DP happy, that's normal, who he is worh and what they're like isn't anything you need to bother with over small things like this IMO.

StormBaby · 01/12/2019 15:31

She might be one of these insta-nutters with a completely co-ordinated lounge and tree and all matching decorations. There's plenty of them about. I'd not read too much in to it.

GinandGingerBeer · 01/12/2019 15:34

I think you've offered with good intentions and the GF has seen it as you marking territory on theirhome and first Christmas.
She doesn't want your memories In her house, and is insecure. I guess you've not really met each other and she has an idea of what she thinks you're like but is off the mark. Maybe exdh has exaggerated or shared info with her about your breakup which has made her feel threatened?
Or maybe you have life size pics of exdh all round your house and still wear his old jumpers? Wink

Notopel · 01/12/2019 15:36

I’ll be honest, having been in relationship where I’ve wished that partners ex’s have not had to concern themselves with everything in our life. It comes across as intrusive - you won’t even let her decide what does on her own Christmas tree. Stop trying to micromanage everything. Your ex is presumably capable of including your child, so stand back and let him do that.

Madhatterhouse · 01/12/2019 15:37

It would make me break out in a cold sweat to have random homemade decorations on my tree - whether they were my child’s or someone else’s. So I wouldn’t be keen either.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 15:40

As a primary school teacher who plans a type of tree decoration to make with my class each December and watches as the children carefully creates their own masterpiece to take home to their family I am Sad at the number of people saying they wouldn’t have their children’s homemade decorations on the tree and calling them “shit” or “tat”.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/12/2019 15:46

You're really on the lookout for things to get upset about, aren't you? I think like 2 people said something negative about homemade decs.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/12/2019 15:48

Me too. Christmas is a time mostly for children if you have any. I find the idea of treating a Christmas tree as a bit of interior decoration completely alien. I love seeing all the old decorations year after year., and that includes the salt dough ones from nursery school and other tatty ones. Brings back lovely memories now my children are adults.

Shmithecat2 · 01/12/2019 15:48

@BertrandRussell

Absolutely everyone who has children and decorates a tree with them.

I don't. I deliberately put the tree up this morning whilst my 4yo was at preschool so he couldn't 'help' me. It was a lovely surprise for him to come home to. I have a nice looking tree. Everyone is a winner.

rhubarbcrumbles · 01/12/2019 15:50

I am sad at the number of people saying they wouldn’t have their children’s homemade decorations on the tree and calling them “shit” or “tat”.

You'd like our tree then, it's mostly homemade stuff from assorted playgroups, school and mum and toddler groups. Stylish it's not but we love it.

prawnsword · 01/12/2019 15:51

it just popped into my head when we were talking about decorating the tree I just thought oh it’s the first year he’s actually got a separate tree to decorate, and I’m overrun with DD’s baubles and things, she could easily take some over there to feel like she’s part of it.

  • it’s not just he that has a tree to decorate & arguably it is often the mum/ gf/partner/wife/stepmom who may take the lead on that. Sure there will be blokes out there who are hell bent on tree decoration, but can you see how you haven’t factored that it’s not just him who has a tree, it’s their tree & their new traditions.

How many baubles has your daughter made that you are “overrun” with them? Maybe as a teacher you are quite into them, but it sounds like other mums might have chucked a lot of those class made bits & bobs out & kept the choice most sentimental ones.

You thought your daughter could easily take some there & feel included. So you see this as a small easy thing to do to include her. However it stands to reason that they are planning their own Xmas & it includes her regardless of baubles. If your daughter was going to be excluded at Xmas her baubles won’t make a difference. I think you see it as an easy request. However it’s been perceived as you making suggestions regarding their new traditions & it’s unwelcome. You are asking them to keep up your traditions at their home. Which can be perceived as controlling & overstepping boundaries.

People get very particular about their traditions at holiday season. It sounds like the decorations mean a lot to you as they symbolise your daughter & how much you love her. So rejecting your suggestion is a rejection of your daughter to make her unwelcome.

However that’s just your interpretation & I believe it’s wrong. There is no suggestion your daughter is not being considered in your ex’s Xmas plans at all,

Courtney555 · 01/12/2019 15:51

From your previous thread and now with this thread I get the sense that while your ex has moved on with his life you haven't. He is your ex for a reason and instead of blaming his new partner realise you split up with him because he was always this shit. Stop trying to interfere with his life and pretend it is due to your shared daughter. It isn't it is just about you and your feelings.

Massively this.

Namechanger23455 · 01/12/2019 15:52

As a step mum of my DSS I would have loved if his mum had given my DH some of his Christmas decorations to put on our tree!
Things were bitter and tense (I met after they separated and he had moved out). My step son bore the brunt of her bitterness, he had some pretty horrendous memories of his mum screaming etc...

I think it’s a lovely gesture and that you want DD to be happy and settled there and you acknowledge that she has two homes.

You are one huge blended family now where his new partner likes it or not. So she really needs to get over whatever the issue is.

As it turns out ten years down the line when my DSS is practically an adult his ex is actually really nice and is forever bringing things over from DSSs childhood for my DC. Shame it hadn’t been like this years ago

PurpleCrowbar · 01/12/2019 15:53

Sorry, but I'd always hang home made ornaments/things made at school, separately.

Preferably in the kids' bedrooms so I don't have to admire them after the original praise!

If personalised decorations aren't a thing for XP's dp, I imagine she's mildly appalled at the thought of having to buy or create something similar for her own dds so they don't feel left out, especially if that sort of decoration is firmly not to her taste.

You could suggest dd has a mini tree in her room at her dad's house, decorated as she likes, but again that might make her feel different from the other girls - or make them jealous.

Honestly I'd leave it. I doubt any 5yo would give a scooby.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 15:54

rhubarbcrumbles Grin My parents still have a festive salt dough pig on their tree every year, made by my sister at nursery. She’s now 32!

OP posts:
rhubarbcrumbles · 01/12/2019 15:57

My parents still have a festive salt dough pig on their tree every year, made by my sister at nursery. She’s now 32!

That's lovely Xmas Grin

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 16:01

The tree decorations that my kids made live in the bauble box but don't go on the tree. They are teenagers so well aware they are pretty crap. Once they are old enough to have kids I think that their kids might like to see them though.

My kids have favourite baubles but they were all picked by their dad or me. They've never wanted a bauble with their name on but I've seen shops do baubles with the year or "Baby's First Xmas" in the shops. If my kids wanted one of my baubles when they move out then I'd be happy to give them their favourite(s)

SandyY2K · 01/12/2019 16:03

Kids having their own baubles isn't a thing 8n every household.

In our house, I buy them and my DDs help decorate the tree.

Nobody owns the baubles perse, they belong to the house.

I imagine the new DP sees this as you imposing on her household. She may not even be the kind of person to do baubles with her own DDs.

I had a colleague who got her DS a little tree to decorate, because she had a theme and a specific way of doing her tree.

If I were you I'd focus on DD in your home and unless it's her personal items, that don't spill over into their family...just leave it be.

It's very clear the new DP doesn't want you infiltrating into her life any more than the absolute amount.

And men generally are not the ones to make a big deal over something like baubles.

As long as she treats your DD well... don't let it be an issue.

Does your DD get on with her DDs?