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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 14:43

prawnsword Actually, the first year we did not spend Christmas as a “family unit”. We were both still living in the family home (waiting for it to sell), so we had a tree there with DD’s decorations on it etc, but we were not in a good place with our separation. We both spent Christmas with our own families, and I had DD Christmas Eve then drove her an hour on Christmas Day lunchtime to a meeting point at a motorway service station, where he was over an hour late and turned up with cuts and scratches all down the side of his face, saying he’d been out drinking with his cousins the night before and fallen down. As he drove off with DD I sat in my car and sobbed before driving back to my parents house to spend the reat of the day without my DD. It was horrible.

OP posts:
prawnsword · 01/12/2019 14:44

Also how do you even know her daughters will decorate the tree with their ornaments? You seem to spend time imagining what she “must” be doing. Maybe she is just a different person to you & has a colour themed tree.

I am not buying this wicked step mum narrative you have been selling in your last 2 threads. In each one you seemed to be overstepping / over sharing & when you get told no attribute it to the new girlfriend being nasty. When she by all accounts has never been rude to you, she just wants some space & for you to not be so present in their lives.

I can’t imagine an Xmas decoration so important it must be taken from one home where it is usually hung & hang it on a different tree in another home in another family I am not a part of.

Can you not see how that is overstepping the mark? Then you act like she is spiteful against your daughter, when your daughter likely doesn’t give two hoots about her old Xmas decorations.

category12 · 01/12/2019 14:44

You really need to start getting over some of this stuff, OP.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2019 14:46

So absolutely fine for two children to have their own special decorations and one child not? OK, then.

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 14:46

I wouldn’t want to take into consideration my partner’s ex wife’s desires for how the tree should be decorated. If the Daughter ..

She's not being asked to consider her dp's ex's desires. She's being asked to consider her dp's daughter .. in behalf on whom the ex has made a proposal - which I do not think is an unreasonable one .. o think it's one that was made in the spirit of making the DD feel at home & included in her dad's house with his new partner.

People saying op is having problems with it being the first separate Christmas etc ... Come on, she's said it's an amicable split, its two yrs old, she had a new dp.

The fact that her ex didn't even bother his arse decorating his home for Christmas for when he had his dd around (not just Christmas day etc, the rest of the time) and it's only come up cause he's now coupled up and living with someone ... Tells you a lot about him, further reinforced by his spineless apathy and "conflict avoidance" about this issue. I feel.sorry for the DD having a das like this and his choice of new partner seems shit too. He's never going to stand up for his dd against this woman.

carly2803 · 01/12/2019 14:47

shes absolutely unhinged.

Its lovely how you are still very friendly with your x- pick your battles. This isnt it (but i agree with you she is a twat tbh!)

GoingToWearPantiesLikeAnElf · 01/12/2019 14:47

I would just do yours at home with her. My parents were divorced and I didn't have my baubles at my dad's nor did it ever ever bother me tbh. I can't even remember if my stepbrother had his own baubles.
It might be that her kids don't, you know. Not everybody has 1st baby stuff or does crafting. In which case her own kids are going to feel put out. As long as your DD is included in family trips, activities, mealtime and has presents to open on Xmas Day then I wouldn't sweat the small stuff.

prawnsword · 01/12/2019 14:47

@Lollypalooza right so Xmas is an emotional time for you then, as it is for a lot of people. Xmas is actually the loneliest time of year for many. But it still stands that this is the first Xmas both with new partners having xmases away from each other.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2019 14:48

“ Who says her DCs will be putting their own baubles on? ”

Absolutely everyone who has children and decorates a tree with them.

GnomeDePlume · 01/12/2019 14:48

Not everyone wants random bits of salt dough, mismatched decorations etc on their tree.

GPs used to encourage the DCs to each buy a decoration for our tree. They would all mysteriously disappear before the DCs had got attached to them.

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 14:48

then drove her an hour on Christmas Day lunchtime to a meeting point at a motorway service station, where he was over an hour late and turned up with cuts and scratches all down the side of his face, saying he’d been out drinking with his cousins the night before and fallen down. As he drove off with DD I sat in my car and sobbed before driving back to my parents house to spend the reat of the day without my DD. It was horrible.

Fucking 'ell.

I'd posted before I even read this.

What a useless bastard.

No wonder he's hooked up with this silly woman and is not acting appropriately.

pinkyredrose · 01/12/2019 14:49

Why can't she put baubles on the tree in your house. Simple solution. Would you let his partner's daughter's put baubles on your tree so that they feel accepted into the family?

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 14:49

30to50FeralHogs I don’t want my own kids nursery shite on my tree Sad

For those saying DD hasn’t suggested this herself- we haven’t got any of the decorations out yet, they haven’t got their tree up and I haven’t got my tree up, so I don’t think a child would spontaneously think of something like that, it would be more in the moment of decorating when the other DDs are putting their baubles up that she might start to think “I wish I had some of mine to put on too”. She might not think that. But wouldn’t it be nice to pre-empt her feelings and shouldn’t the children’s feelings come first, especially at Christmas? What actual harm would having 3 or 4 different baubles do, if it made a little girl feel happy and settled?

OP posts:
category12 · 01/12/2019 14:50

So absolutely fine for two children to have their own special decorations and one child not? OK, then.

That's something OP imagines is the case. She may be one of those people who doesn't use home-made decorations. She might want to make decorations with all the children at her house. Seems mad to assume the worst.

PicsInRed · 01/12/2019 14:51

There are 3 children in that house and you apparently find it unreasonable that the mother of 2 of them doesn't think it appropriate to dominate their Christmas tree with (apparently loads of baubles with?) the name and initials of only 1 of the 3 children. The answer was a very indirect and polite no. You aren't accepting it - and given the close proximity to the last "issue", it's starting to look like you're picking fights.

You're coming across as somewhat controlling.

JacquesHammer · 01/12/2019 14:51

She sounds pathetically insecure, and your ex-H is spineless.

Poor kid

prawnsword · 01/12/2019 14:51

@Sandals19 but it is not OP’s responsibility for ensuring her daughter is included. That is her father’s job. The daughter is not saying she feels excluded. The OP is making a suggestion on something she perceives to be important under the guise of it being for the daughter.

As far as we know, the daughter doesn’t care/hasn’t mentioned the baubles & because the OP’s suggestion was rejected she has chosen to perceive it as being a rejection of her daughter.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2019 14:52

OP- can you suggest to your ds’s father that he gets a decoration with her name on and puts it with the others when they do their tree? I think you’re entirely reasonable by the way- but you have fallen among the “step mothers can do no wrong” brigade.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 14:52

prawnsword

I can’t imagine an Xmas decoration so important it must be taken from one home where it is usually hung & hang it on a different tree in another home in another family I am not a part of.

But DD is part of that family, or should be or should at least feel like she is when she’s there.

OP posts:
Teenytinyvoice · 01/12/2019 14:53

My 2 DDs do not have any “special baubles”. Stuff made at school and clubs goes on the windows and then in the bin, and so it might not be the massive leaving out you are imagining.

If it is, there is eff all you can do about it and treating it like no big deal is the best you can do for your daughter.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2019 14:53

“As far as we know, the daughter doesn’t care/hasn’t mentioned the baubles”
Of course she hasn’t- she’s 5 years old and neither tree has been decorated yet!

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 14:53

It sounds like you sensibly haven't mentioned this idea to DD before you asked ex - which is a good thing.

What it has highlighted, in addition to new dp trying to police you and ex's communication; is that she's potentially a bitch and will not be kind to your dd. You need to think about strategies for protecting your dd in her time with them.
She's very little.

YouSawThePlans · 01/12/2019 14:54

It sounds as though you're looking for issues. DD didn't ask about the baubles. Your ex didn't ask about the baubles. You've created this entire situation so you can feel bad about it and look for slights to your DD. You need to stop. This isn't helping you or your DD.

30to50FeralHogs · 01/12/2019 14:55

So absolutely fine for two children to have their own special decorations and one child not? OK, then.. Again @BertrandRussell how do you know that the other two DCs have their own baubles? Because OP imagined it?!

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 14:56

pinkyredrose If my partner had children then yes, of course I would have them put their own special baubles on my Christmas tree.
I don’t know why my exh’s partner’s daughters would want to put their baubles on my tree as they’ve never been to my house and won’t be decorating my tree with my (as my DD will be with them) or spending Christmas Day with me (as my DD will be with them). However, if they were going to be spending Christmas with me or decorating my tree with me, of course their decorations would be very welcome.

OP posts: