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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 01/12/2019 14:56

She sounds incredibly high maintenance to be fair.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2019 14:56

“ @BertrandRussell how do you know that the other two DCs have their own baubles”
Because I don’t know a family where they don’t.

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 14:57

but it is not OP’s responsibility for ensuring her daughter is included. That is her father’s job.

The father who can't turn up to collect her on Christmas day without being covered in scratches from his drunken exploits the night before. The father who didn't bother decorating his flat, that presumably his little DD visited at Christmas, for her ....

Yeeaah.

No wonder ok felt she had to try to think about things and propose things; she's probably been doing it for their entire relationship and esp since DD was born.

He sounds like he's happy to let women do things for him, just like he's happy for his new dp to make decisions in their home while he aims for an easy life and no hassle.

YouSawThePlans · 01/12/2019 14:58

I know lots of families that don't have special baubles for the DCs. In fact, in our circle, we're the only ones who do.

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2019 14:58

One way for your ex to sort this is to take all 3 kids out this year, to choose their own baubles.

Or sit and make salt dough decs with all of them.

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 14:58

*op

prawnsword · 01/12/2019 14:58

Op you seem to do a lot of imagining what people might, do, think or say. If your daughter laments about decorations, You could easily make a positive comment about how nice it is to have two differently decorated trees, or how cool it is that her tree is blue & silver or something. That you visualise her heart breaking while hanging baubles is really quite over dramamatic.

You don’t seem to be getting that you are using your daughter to insert your ideas/wants/opinions in their home & it’s becoming an issue for them and unwelcome.

We have no idea what their tree plans or Xmas traditions are & it’s not your place to suggest their traditions ! As long as your daughter is included in their traditions that is what counts.

People do Xmases differently from one family to the next. It would be good for your daughter to learn that everyone celebrates their own way & learn to adapt to change & differences.

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 14:58

I've not heard of personalized baubles with names on etc I wouldn't assume that the other girls will have named baubles on their tree. If the new gf has a simple coordinated tree with no personalized baubles with her dd names then I can see why she would see it as overstepping. She's either have to buy her DDs the same sort of thing or change her traditions of a lifetime and go for something not coordinated. As with most men your ex might not give a toss what the tree looks like so is happy to let it go.

I think that this thread and the previous thread suggests that your ex wishes to change the routines and traditions that he had with you and dd. My ex did the same after he left and my kids are fine with different traditions at both houses. Don't assume that he wants things to remain the same. If your dd asks about her Dad's new traditions just tell her to ask him.

The message here is clear. He wants to detach from you and the past. Being friends is ideal but rarely possible

1forAll74 · 01/12/2019 14:59

Best to let the bauble issue go,and keep them at your home.being as this woman is being quite petty about things as such. If you sent them over,she would not put them on the tree,and might throw them away if she is this type of woman !

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 14:59

*while he aims for an easy life and no hassle.

Unfortunately I have a feeling that will lead to his little DD feeling excluded.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 01/12/2019 15:00

The baubles aren't remotely important and the slight to your DD they represent may well exist only in your imagination. If things are basically amicable, I would grab that with both hands and give thanks.

Keepmewarm · 01/12/2019 15:00

How do you know that her dc have special decorations to hang on the tree?

You are too involved in what happens at their house.
You can’t dictate how they decorate the tree.

30to50FeralHogs · 01/12/2019 15:01

@BertrandRussell how do you know that the other two DCs have their own baubles”
Because I don’t know a family where they don’t.

I don’t know one where they do!! I find them a bit twee tbh

category12 · 01/12/2019 15:01

Surprisingly different families do different things.

"Special" baubles may be a thing for some people, but they're not for others.

And it's purely the work of the OP's imagination that her child is going to be treated differently. Step-mum might have plans to make Xmas decorations together, to buy her a named one in the same colour scheme, might have all sorts of plans OP isn't aware of and aren't her business. But on the basis that she doesn't want stuff from OP's house, she's apparently a monster. Hmm

JacquesHammer · 01/12/2019 15:02

Ex-H has on his tree baubles (special to him) that were mine and his, baubles that belong to DD.

diddl · 01/12/2019 15:02

Perhaps her daughters don't have their own decs & that's why she doesn't want your daughter to have hers?

Had no idea that kids own decs was even a thing.

Put your tree up as you want & leave her dad to do the same.

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 15:02

If your ex wants your dd to have personalized baubles on his tree then he should start buying them himself from now on. If the other kids don't have personalized baubles then it looks like territory marking as all kids should feel special

GnomeDePlume · 01/12/2019 15:02

“ Who says her DCs will be putting their own baubles on? ”

Absolutely everyone who has children and decorates a tree with them.

Nope, not here. When DCs were small they got a say on pretty much everything else. The tree was mine to decorate. Now DCs are grown up (and have acquired some taste) I am happy to leave tree decorating to them.

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 15:02

You don’t seem to be getting that you are using your daughter to insert your ideas/wants/opinions in their home & it’s becoming an issue for them and unwelcome.

She's not.

I've said it several times now.

If my DP's ex asked/suggested this - I would think she was trying to make her DD feel like her dad's/our home was her home too. Trying to give her a feeling of acceptance, welcome, inclusiveness and ownership there. Her DD, not her.

I would particularly think this if ex appeared happy with separation and happy in her own new relationship.

I think you have to be v insecure, negative, bitchy and petty to think otherwise.

prawnsword · 01/12/2019 15:03

@Sandals19... so because he failed last Xmas it is OP’s duty to make suggestions on what he & his partner should do at their house this year ? And if they are declined it is the girlfriend’s fault ?

They will get a tree, sounds like he is preparing for Xmas & she will have gifts & is being considered at Xmas.... give people a chance to come good & manage their lives without you.

If he is that bad this Xmas a bauble is hardly going to save Xmas is it.

30to50FeralHogs · 01/12/2019 15:03

she would not put them on the tree,and might throw them away if she is this type of woman

Yes, people who like a colour coordinated Christmas tree are notorious for throwing away cherished items of children’s belongings. HmmConfused

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 15:04

I would've glad of the suggestion as a way of doing that.

You have to assume she has done nefarious intentions to think otherwise and i fail to see why you would presume that.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 01/12/2019 15:05

It looks as if you're trying to find a battle OP when there isn't one. The baubles in dad's house are hers. I actually think it's making it more obvious she's an outsider to start sending her "own" stuff over.

Fatted · 01/12/2019 15:06

I agree with the others here, you're over stepping your boundaries here. I also think that you are being very naive to assume it is all the new partner's doing. Your ex is the one telling you all of this. HE is the one telling you to back off, HE is the one saying no to the decorations. He is also probably going home and slagging you off to his new DP and making out to her all of these things are YOUR fault.

But you do have to accept that you do Christmas with your DC at your house. He will do his Christmas with your DC at his house. They both might look very different. But neither is right or wrong. If you have your DC best interests at heart you will encourage them to be resilient and encourage them to accept the differences.

As an aside, I also cannot believe that on MN no one has piped up about personalised Christmas decorations being common yet.

MyNewBearTotoro · 01/12/2019 15:06

If her DDs have their own baubles on the tree then obviously it’s awful not to let your DD have her baubles on too, but are you sure they will have their own baubles? I honestly didn’t know children having their own baubles was a thing - none of my DC have their own baubles. We just have a box of decorations for our tree but none belong to DC specifically.

Some people like to have a coordinated tree with matching decorations and so assuming all the decorations are just generic ones your DD isn’t being left out and you’re massively overthinking this.

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