Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

[Sparkletastic]

Jesus Christ what is he thinking??

[OverByYer]

Maybe his DP will be getting all 3 DC the same baubles with names on etc?

[prawnsword]

I think you’re missing the point. The decorations at your house are for your tree. They have a tree. They don’t need your decorations. The decorations made were from your daughter during the time of your marriage. Wouldn’t it make more sense that she make a new bauble for this new tree at a new house? I think you are projecting your feelings about your daughter feeling welcome using the baubles, but it’s not like your daughter has actually asked to hang any on this new tree.

Maybe she wants a colour schemed tree. I am sure there are plenty of new traditions they can make & I don’t think it’s your place to decide what those traditions are.

I think you do need to let go a bit. It’s odd to me that you would concern yourself over the decorations on the Xmas tree at your ex’s house. Especially considering was is your idea to hang those baubles. I think you’re inserting yourself in a situation where you should just not even be concerning yourself with.

Just concentrate on hanging a nice tree & I’m sure don’t need to say it, but you won’t make any comments about the tree at daddy’s house not having any of her decorations on it.

[Sandals19]

Wow.

Your ex is spineless..

Posters trying to turn it around in you - crazy.

Your exs home should be a home for you did too. He's putting his new (bitch of a) dp first.

Your poor dad.

I would never do something like this to my DP's DD who stays at the house, if want her to feel included, relaxed and welcome. I'd want it to feel like her home too.

[Sandals19]

• on you

[WendyMoiraAngelaDarling]

I'd be very concerned about how my child was being treated in that environment tbh. It's mean.

[Sandals19]

Wouldn’t it make more sense that she make a new bauble for this new tree at a new house?

Why what's wrong with the baubles she's already made?!

There's nothing "house specific" about them!!

Even if she specially makes new ones for this house (wtf?), do you really think cruella's going to want then on "her" tree either?

[Sandals19]

*your poor dd

[Walnutwhipster]

Why are you only offering them now, not three years ago?

[Lollypalooza]

The first year we were separated we were all still living at the marital home (he and I in separate bedrooms). The next year we had moved out and he was living on his own in a one bedroom flat. He didn’t have a tree. He came to my house in the morning on Christmas morning to open presents with DD. This year he has more of a family set up with new DP and her two DDs. I really didn’t mean anything by suggesting it. I guess I have rose tinted glasses on about the whole thing- us being friendly and DD being part of their family now. I just think it’s sad and a bit spiteful to say a 5 year old can’t put her baubles on the tree Last thread, people said pick your battles, this thread people say pick your battles... I am not picking a battle over this but I am worried in starting to see a pattern of behaviour and wondering what the battle will be that I will need to pick (for my DD).

[prawnsword]

@Sandals19

There is nothing wrong with them, just that they are ornaments that traditionally go on the tree in that home. This tree is a new tradition & it’s the OP requesting they be hung on this tree. So I can see how a new partner might be irked about that. Has the daughter made any comments about her baubles not allowed on the tree & feeling unwelcome ? No she hasn’t. This is all about the OP & it sounds like she doesn’t like being told by her ex to back off.

I don’t like Xmas but can see if was into it & decorating a tree I might be getting excited about it. I wouldn’t want to take into consideration my partner’s ex wife’s desires for how the tree should be decorated. If the Daughter said she wanted a particular bauble hung or wanted to make some sure thing ! But I wouldn’t be impressed to hear the ex wife was suggesting how we trim our tree.

I can see both sides.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I think the request for you and your X to not friendly be was the battle to pick, this one I would let go.

[BertrandRussell]

Hmm. 3 children helping to decorate a tree. 2 of them have their own special decorations. 1 of them doesn’t. That’s just horrible.

[prawnsword]

@Lollypalooza now we are getting to the issue. The first Xmas that will really feel officially like it is over & you aren’t a family unit anymore. It’s your first Xmas not with him & first one he is spending with someone else.

I think you may be painting her out to be this spiteful, jealous person but it sounds like you’re overstepping & suggesting where your opinion was not asked or wanted. It’s simply not your place to tell them what to hang on their tree. Focus on your own tree.

You are her mother so every bauble is tied with emotion & love. Rejecting the baubles is rejecting your daughter. In reality, they are rejecting your suggestions, that’s all. The baubles belong on your tree. They have a new house / tree & will create their own traditions.

Again it would only be spiteful if this was your daughter’s idea & the gf vetoed it. This is all about you & feeling usurped I feel...

[afterme]

I don’t think it’s important that your dd puts her baubles up on their tree. It wouldn’t occur to me to suggest it. (Just done my tree with my dd and she said she is decorating her dad’s tree next weekend. I’m sure he has his own baubles and she will enjoy it just the same.)

[PlatoAteMySnozcumber]

I know some people that refuse to put any of their own child’s stuff on the Christmas tree. If new DP is one of those, then it makes sense she doesn’t want historic home made marital home baubles on her tree. Honestly it seems like you might come across a little bit interfering what with all the best mates stuff and suggesting what to put on their tree etc.

I am totally prepared to accept new DP may be a jealous wicked step mum type but she might also be a quite normal person who wants to build a life with her partner without his ex imposing.

Just for contrast... my DH and his ex were ‘very friendly’ except it was all her being friendly to him which basically meant constantly calling to share things/ complain about the children etc that was way beyond co parenting. She was also full of helpful suggestions that always seemed a bit passive aggressive to me. Her friendly flexibility usually extended to him accommodating her. I never said anything and he just went along with it until the children were adults and she had no power over whether he saw them or not. Then he cut her out completely as he couldn’t bear her over controlling ways any longer.

Just saying.... be careful that isn’t you.

[30to50FeralHogs]

You don’t get a say in what Xmas decs your ex and HIS DP put on their tree. If my DP’s ex tried sending over things and insisting I display them in my home (or apparently I’m a bitch according to some PPs!) I’d be fucking livid.

This is not about your DD any more than your previous thread was about your DD.

Leave your ex alone to get on with building his life around his DD, DP & SDCs in his own way. He doesn’t need you poking your nose in every five minutes and testing him like this.

If you truly want an amicable relationship back the fuck off or you’re going to make him choose between you and his DP, and he’ll choose her.

They are more than capable of choosing their own tree decorations, with or without your DD’s input. They don’t need yours. I have 3 DCs and they’ve never shown any interest in which baubles I hang up. They have their own little tree in their room which they can decorate however they like, but they’ve certainly never taken baubles from my house to their dad’s, what a weird idea.

This is NOT indicative of him or his DP being selfish or excluding DD or in any way anything other than them drawing some boundaries which you need to accept. They don’t want your old tat on their tree. Bloody salt dough baubles

Honestly, I wouldn’t want my own kids nursery shite on my tree let alone anyone else’s! My tree is tastefully done with coordinating decs - glitter covered salt dough is cute for the first 10 minutes but it isn’t something I’ll be holding onto for years to come or forcing anyone else to display.

[category12]

She has two DDs herself so I imagine they’ll be putting all their baubles and decorations on the tree.

As you say yourself, this is a scenario you are imagining.

For all you know, she only does shop-bought baubles and doesn't use kid-made decorations on the tree. Some people are like that, I always think it a bit odd, but they like to dress the tree to their own adult tastes.

You need to be careful that you are not creating your own fantasy of wicked step-mum for your dd.

[Sandals19]

just that they are ornaments that traditionally go on the tree in that home. This tree is a new tradition

And isn't it interesting that the new tradition the ex new dp has decided to establish is one of a perfectly colour coordinated tree with nothing personal (and I guarantee you if it's suggested ops DD make a new bauble/s in a suitable colour, that woumd be rejected. Dp won't like handmade ones or some such crap).

If it wax suggested to me that my new DPS DD could bring something personal of hers that's she's made to decorate for Christmas in her dad's house; I would think it was a really good way of making her feel welcome and included there, and some ownership of the space etc. and I would never say no to that. The DPS attitude is very telling.

Alongside the controlling behaviour re op and ex's communication
which was not inappropriate (and op is in a relationship herself to boot) which she's trying to police ... The woman is clearly insecure, controlling, cold and seems to be unsuited to blending families fairly, inclusively and maturely.

[Sandals19]

*in her dad's house

Strictly speaking in her new blended family's house

[Sandals19]

And ops ex is spineless.

[prawnsword]

What battle ? This was all your idea & I can’t remember Xmas being spoilt by the exact decorations on the tree. I remember my dog eating the low hanging chocolate ones so we learnt to hang those higher & really liked the pressies underneath the tree.

You are applying all this emotion & feeling onto the baubles & this is all your idea. Is decorating the family tree something that is very special to you?

I doubt this gf is actually as spiteful as you’re making out. I think she may just be over what she perceives as quite regular interference in her life & home.

Things have changed. They are not the same. You don’t do Xmas together. It’s hard as it’s your first one not spending it with your ex, so it all feels very real. I think him rejecting the baubles is a sign that it’s time to focus on making new traditions & letting him get on with theirs.

[30to50FeralHogs]

Hmm. 3 children helping to decorate a tree. 2 of them have their own special decorations. 1 of them doesn’t. That’s just horrible

Who says her DCs will be putting their own baubles on? OP imagines they will be.

She has two DDs herself so I imagine they’ll be putting all their baubles and decorations on the tree.

Jesus some of you need to calm down - she’s being called Cruella and a bitch etc because OP has an idea that her kids might be choosing baubles and her kid isn’t. FFS