Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

I think it was completely unnecessary for him to send that text and actually an underlying spitefulness for both women. For his GF who may have no idea he feeds back in this way and his ex who he is felling ‘well I want to, but my GF says no...’

*telling

menorah I see what you mean, spiteful seems strong but he certainly doesn't seem to be someone who can make a decision and take ownership of it does he!

The spiteful part is the spineless part.

He even went so far as to agree with OP, that yes it was a shame

I completely understand why you suggested the baubles. You know it's a great way for your dd to feel included in her new family set up with her Dad. He, I presume, won't have any old family decorations, so, again I presume, will all be either the GFs or new decorations. Suggesting she take some old family ones is a great way of helping her make the transition. (I've adopted a child and this is the sort of thing we were told to do).

However, the new GF doesn't want to do this and your ex doesn't want to rock the boat. I'm afraid you just need to let this go. I know you want to protect your DD, but in these circumstances you can't, you'll just have to relinquish control and let him sort it. It'll be his loss as your bond and relationship will be far stronger with her than his as a result.

I also have to roll my eyes at the GF, in her shoes and for the sake of family unions and good relationships, even if I thought it was a batshit idea, would smile, agree and put the baubles up. It seems such a petty thing to do on her part, but maybe she's feeling insecure and it's a way of maintaining control. It's daft and if she posted on here I'd be telling her to 'pick her battles'

The girlfriend and dad not wanting to put the baubles up is not inherently petty or spiteful or an indication that they aren't bothered whether the little girl feels at home.

From the perspective of a partner of a NRP, one of the reasons we wouldn't be keen on doing this is because we actively want to have our own traditions with the child, which may involve going out and choosing baubles (with their name on perhaps, similar to the one's OP's daughter has) as a deliberate memory making event. Bringing the ones from home seems to suggest they can only feel at home if they have the things from their "real" home so they can pretend their second home is as good, though of course it never will be. The idea of wanting the child to feel at home and have traditions centred around their second home, rather than it just being a sad place they can pretend is their proper home if they squint hard enough seems to be really hard for a lot of RPs to come to terms with.

They may already have plans to go out and choose decorations all together by way of making new traditions, but OP has just assumed that isn't the case. I don't think it's at all petty for the girlfriend to think "hang on what?" at her partner's ex declaring (not asking) that she will be providing their christmas decorations, either. That was very presumptuous behaviour about someone elses household.

The idea is not spiteful
The concept of boundaries is not spiteful
Children sharing bedrooms is not spiteful
Parents moving on is not spiteful

What is slightly underhand, thoughtless and spiteful is communicating to your ex that you agree with them on a topic, but the girlfriend said no and it caused a row between them. Why would he even need to tell OP that? Is it really any wonder she’s feeling negatively about the girlfriend?

Here we go:

Ex I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen

He didn’t ask or discuss with his GF, he told her. Exactly like everyone is assuming here, that it was an instruction where it was clearly just an invitation to take them

OP That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there

This is OP trying to advocate for her child, as anxious that child is not fitting in and trying to remind dad to make space for his child. This is what probably shouldn’t have been said, because although it is a shame, the first text already is clear that he has not gone about this very well and has made OP look bad by what he has told his DP. He also is a grown man and shouldn’t need telling by OP how to parent.

He replied I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it

How on earth has this discussions come to an argument - this completely depends on how he has said this. And even if they did argue, why would he need to tell you that? To make himself look good that’s why. How he speaks about you to her. When you are in this situation as an ex, you have very little control over what narrative is told about you, and you can end up being painted very negatively. You can’t do anything about this, but you also don’t have to put up with things you don’t feel comfortable with

I’ve already told OP to cut them out and let him get on with his own parenting, but I say this as someone who has an inadequate quite useless ex who isn’t very good at parenting and always needs me or his girlfriend to do the hard parts for him, spell things out and I only did this to help my DC, and never ever for his sake. OP has been doing this for his sake too. It’s not a bad trait to try to help or care but he is someone else’s problem now - so leave them to it

They may already have plans to go out and choose decorations all together by way of making new traditions, but OP has just assumed that isn't the case.

I would bet that if this had happened or was planned, the ex would have told OP all about it to put her in her place. Instead he's gone in the other direction and blamed his new partner for not wanting to play ball.

What is slightly underhand, thoughtless and spiteful is communicating to your ex that you agree with them on a topic, but the girlfriend said no and it caused a row between them. Why would he even need to tell OP that? Is it really any wonder she’s feeling negatively about the girlfriend?

I agree with you, but I don't agree that they should have taken the baubles (necessarily) or that the girlfriends behaviour sounds petty. I don't think OP has a right to be annoyed at the girlfriend for not bowing down to being told what to do in her own household over something for which OPs way is not the only right way. But yes, the ex sounds like a bit of an arse who is avoiding any conflict by painting somebody else as the bad guy.

I would bet that if this had happened or was planned, the ex would have told OP all about it to put her in her place. Instead he's gone in the other direction and blamed his new partner for not wanting to play ball.

True, but that doesn't rule out the girlfriend's intentions (or his entirely because he sounds like he is saying one thing to OP for an easy life when he actually thinks something else a lot). In her place I too would he miffed that she had assumed we couldn't sort that out for ourselves.

My point was more towards the people saying the girlfriend was being petty and of course they should use the baubles, to say there are reasons NRP don't always have the same view of things RPs suggest out of good intentions that are not petty. OP seems to have it in her head that her daughter can only be happy if things are done her way and resemble her household, this can be very stifling for creating a "second home" and family, and can ultimately be detrimental.

Jeez.
He needs to grow a back bone and grab his balls back from his GF.
Spineless asshole.
This won't last if she keeps dictating like this!
If this was a woman saying this about a stepdad, she'd be told to LTB immediately. Too right as well.
HIS DC should come first.
He's a prick!

Not your tree - not your rules.

It seems a bit daft to me to be getting worked up over baubles. I actually feel sorry for your DD having to play piggy in the middle between you and her father. A five year old will not be traumatised by not having her baubles on display at her dad's house - there is no need to cause her to be upset by drawing her attention to it, she is five and she will accept whatever you tell her. Let her put the baubles on your tree. Be the grown up here stop this silly squabble - there really are better things to be fighting over. You really need to let this one go.

Crux of it is OP he's a dick for not wanting DD's decorations but there is fuck all you can do about it.

His loss you'll have a lovely time decorating your tree and her grandparents.

In years to come when she's old enough to appreciate all the home made baubles etc it will be clear to her who kept them.

even if they've only been living together since june, considering they have shared care I am sure she will know at least "the basics"

I don’t think we’re going to agree here. To me the both of them are poor parents. I don’t see the merit in defending him (or her), the spineless one, the more since he also has issues with alcohol. I still think the entire timeline is ridiculous. Neither of them were/are putting their children first. In all likelihood they’ll soon split up (blended families already have a high failure rate), having a profound impact on all kids involved.

@aSofaNearYou

Sounds like the ex isn’t the most level headed sensible person and OP has probably had to over compensate for him in the parenting stakes at times. So yeah, she’s trying to pre empt things for DD but this is based on him being quite a fuckwit in the past. It’s easily done. And it’s good to support OP in this letting go phase - she needs to let go of feeling so responsible for DD’s wellbeing in his care. She’s not at risk, and she will need to learn how to fit in with her new family. Creating a second home can also be a disaster, and it doesn’t feel nice to stand back and watch. That’s why I feel empathy for OP

I would be very worried about my dd if my ex moved in with someone after 6 months.

@Menora true, I have empathy for both but think both OP and her ex are being rude to the new partners, which is all the more reason to back off each other and stop overstepping.

OP posted a week ago to say the girlfriend is already feeling she is overstepping so to immediately say "I will be sending decorations for your tree"' not even posing it as "if you would like them", given that it would be perfectly reasonable for them to not want that, was very naive. Suggesting to him that DD really likes personalised baubles and letting them decide what to do with that information would have been the more appropriate thing to do.

The way they are both going I would be very unsurprised if the daughter ended up a cause of conflict and tension in both blended families, which is the opposite of helpful in leading to a good environment for her without an air of resentment.

@Menora true, I have empathy for both but think both OP and her ex are being rude to the new partners, which is all the more reason to back off each other and stop overstepping.

OP posted a week ago to say the girlfriend is already feeling she is overstepping so to immediately say "I will be sending decorations for your tree"' not even posing it as "if you would like them", given that it would be perfectly reasonable for them to not want that, was very naive. Suggesting to him that DD really likes personalised baubles and letting them decide what to do with that information would have been the more appropriate thing to do.

The way they are both going I would be very unsurprised if the daughter ended up a cause of conflict and tension in both blended families, which is the opposite of helpful in leading to a good environment for her without an air of resentment.

Sorry didn't mean to post twice.

I understand but I think that this has been mishandled by the ex and OP has come across as clingy and controlling because of the way it was handled. It’s also really rude and off go to text someone back who is texting you to say essentially ‘GF doesn’t like you texting me’. Could have been handled so much better by him and actually Make the effort to build civil relationships between the 3 of them instead it’s another out of the blue unexpected text message that leaves OP feeling shit about her efforts to be civil.

Perhaps DD is like my daughter. She has a treasured collection of her own Christmas ornaments, all of which she made or picked out, and she enjoys helping to decorate the tree and house.

OP, you casually suggested that DD “could choose” some of her baubles to take to her other home. It was a lovely idea about something DD might enjoy, and Ex agreed that this would be nice. Had she been presented with the idea, DD would have made the choice to take the ornaments or not.

As a family member, DD should be allowed to bring some Christmas treasures to her other home if she wants to. If they don’t fit with the tree’s theme, they could be placed on a table or elsewhere. DP’s daughters likely have their own favorites displayed. Why should DD’s be excluded?

Ex is letting DD down. He abuses alcohol. He failed to pay his portion of her party. He makes contemptuous remarks about your partner in front of DD. He has diminished your former reasonable and successful co-parenting relationship, where even a medical article cannot be mentioned. Now a handful of DD’s loved Christmas ornaments are forbidden from crossing the threshold. None of the above are in DD’s best interest.

I would be extremely troubled about Ex’s abuse of alcohol. He has been jailed for drunk driving, banned from driving, and has unsuccessfully tried to quit. From DP’s Facebook photo and post in the fall, Ex is still drinking and she was joking about it.

OP, under these circumstances I would not consider Ex to be a safe parent.

Hi OP, for what it's worth I think you are making thoughtful gestures to ensure the best experience for your daughter. None of what you have done strikes me as unreasonable.

Your ex sounds like a spineless tool.

You can't be sure what the OW is like if he is the filter.

It might be best for you to change your approach. In a way, it's up to your ex to work out how to be a parent on his own now. Your daughter will in the end, likely work out that he's not up to much whereas you seem considerate and thoughtful. I would redirect your energies. Think around situations where he has played a part and create new traditions x e.g. do get someone else to organise your Mother's Day gift and let him know that you're not doing this for him from now on as he has a partner. Reduce the level of communication between you and the ex. It will be easier on you if you step back at least for now as it seems you are not in a situation where you will be able to create the best situation with your ex and his new partner.

Candative
The OP ex husbands new partner is not the OW, that term is awful.
OP you seem to want/make your ex partner do whatever you think is right.
If my partners ex wife tried to tell me to put baubles on my tree, it would be flatly refused, and I would be telling my partner to tell her to back off or I would!!
I would never tell my children’s father or his new partner oh put these baubles on the tree, if they asked I would give them some. They are probably making their own traditions and making memories as a family.
OP I read your other thread and to be honest you want it all your own way, don’t be texting your ex husband links to songs, gossip about friends you once had together, my partners ex did this and my god it was awful it become like a third person in our relationship, he would say it’s my ex I have to see what she has texted as it could be an emergency or arrangements for contact, this could have been while we were out, having dinner. I lost it when it was 7.30 on a Sunday morning and we were in bed. If he didn’t answer she would then ring.
You also state that you were told you seem unfriendly when you dropped off, you sat in the car and didn’t even come to the door but would text complete rubbish to your ex, it would look to anyone like you were avoiding his new partner and come across as rude.
The most glaring thing you wrote in response to something was that your own daughter didn’t have a room at his place that she had to share with the new partners youngest daughter, and why shouldn’t the sisters share, so you want to keep a bedroom free for your daughter when she is not there for 3 nights a week, WOW you don’t think about the kids that have already having to share their rooms etc.
If and when your daughter tells you that she is not included, not allowed something that is when you speak to your ex partner.
Remember your relationship has broken down, you can be friendly with your ex and his new partner but let this go and stop trying to make them do things the way you want as it will make you look a little batshit crazy....
your daughter will be the one to suffer.

Your ex is the one who should be dealing with it. There's not much you can do if he decides to be a doormat to his new partner.

I'm surprised that other people are also saying that they wouldn't want your daughter to bring her baubles to her dads house either. Shes a kid, and she is gonna want to be included.

If you feel she is genuinely upset about this, you could try asking her dad to either take her out to pick out a new ornament for her dad's tree or get a kit to make one with her dad.
If she seems like she doesn't mind though, I'd drop it.