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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 15:06

I won’t mention baubles any further to him, now that he’s said no. I hadn’t mentioned it to DD. It won’t become a “thing”. I hadn’t thought of it as an idea beforehand, it just popped into my head when we were talking about decorating the tree I just thought oh it’s the first year he’s actually got a separate tree to decorate, and I’m overrun with DD’s baubles and things, she could easily take some over there to feel like she’s part of it. I had forgotten I’d mentioned it until he texted. As some people have said, pretty much everyone I know with kids have special baubles and decorations with either the kids names on or made by the kids, or just particular ones that the kids remember from year to year. So I imagined it was like that in most families.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 15:07

I'd see it as no different than if ex sent DD over with some of her favourite, well lived personal items to our in her room in our home.

No doubt the same posters will now argue "but they're from her house, she should buy new items for this house, blah blah". You're as bad as this woman.

No, she shouldn't. Why should she. These already exist, she's already made them, they're already hers - hers not her mother's house's. Belongings belong to a person, not a house.

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 15:09

I hadn’t mentioned it to DD

Thank goodness.

To me she's rejected a chance to make your dd feel at home, welcome and included in her dad's home. Not nice.

I'd put things into place to try to protect your dd against your flaky ex and this woman.

cheesemongery · 01/12/2019 15:09

Ugh what a witch.

However if it hasn't occurred to DD then don't mention it. If she does bring it up, I would go with that they are too precious a treasure to be moved, might get broken so will stay in our Christmas box and on our tree.

She might bring it up in 10 years and then you can say - yeah she was a right cow Grin

Other than that it sounds like you have a pretty good set up. Although have only read page one so apologies in advance if not.

Bellaxx8 · 01/12/2019 15:09

Sorry but I wouldn’t want your daughters baubles on my tree either so I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong.

I have a colour theme and it’s all Co-ordinated.

My kids help to decorate the tree but from all the decorations iv bought.

And maybe she just doesn’t want stuff from your house in hers. She can make a bauble in her house with your dd or take her out to buy one, she doesn’t need your decorations to make your dd happy.

category12 · 01/12/2019 15:11

But the DD is 5 and it's very unlikely she's emotionally attached to baubles she sees once a year. It's not like her comfort blanket or something.

Mostly my kids were interested in the decorations they'd made that year, not past ones, and if I'd chucked the old ones they wouldn't have noticed. And we never had personalised shop-bought ones.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2019 15:11

Are there really people who decorate their tree with their children and the children have no decorations they’ve made/bought/had bought for them/particularly like? I do know someone who doesn't let her children anywhere near the tree and buys a complete set of new decorations every year- but that’s just weird, surely?

pinkyredrose · 01/12/2019 15:11

I've heard the word 'baubles' in my head so much it's starting to sound quite strange.

MyNewBearTotoro · 01/12/2019 15:12

In fact if her kids don’t have any special baubles then having your DD put a load of baubles with her name on all over the tree would be unfair on her kids, you can’t have only one child of 3 with special baubles. In that case it’s totally reasonable for her not to want to use them.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2019 15:13

It’s a vile word. I don’t think I have ever used it!

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 15:13

pinkyredrose Yes me too Grin bauble bauble bauble

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 01/12/2019 15:14

I wouldn't want them up either tbh, nothing to do with the DC but all to do with my tree theme & Decor .

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 15:14

Step-mum might have plans to make Xmas decorations together, to buy her a named one in the same colour scheme, might have all sorts of plans OP isn't aware of and aren't her business

She's not her stepmum, she's only a partner, not a long term one (and if ex has a tap of sense he won't make her so .. though it sounds like he doesn't).

If that were the case, ex's do could communicate that go her dp,band he could politely decline op's offer with the alternative plans.

But that would apparently be too mature and cordial.

Bellaxx8 · 01/12/2019 15:14

@BertrandRussell - all Xmas tree baubles in my house are I’m a colour theme and unless they kids pick one from the colour scheme in the shop they don’t have any ‘handmade’ on there 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t buy all new every year though.

Madhatterhouse · 01/12/2019 15:14

“Special baubles” is even worse!

strawberry2017 · 01/12/2019 15:15

I actually think it's really lovely that you suggested it and I think she's been mega selfish not considering how nice it would be for him to have his DD memories and decorations on the tree. It's like she's trying to forget his first life happened.
I think it was really kind that you offered to share them, knowing they are both of yours. Some people wouldn't do that.
If she keeps pushing things away that are important to him he's going to end up resenting her.
Keep being the bigger person OP, your daughter will appreciate it x

fallfallfall · 01/12/2019 15:15

The OW sounds insecure. An argument over tree deco suggests the relationship won’t last. Don’t send any of your dd’s stuff there it will get turfed when the Ex gets dumped.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 15:16

MyNewBearTotoro and others; that isn’t the way it’s beem explained though. He said “I mentioned the baubles to DP and she’s not keen”. He could’ve said “I’ve mentioned the baubles to DP but her DD1 and DD2 don’t really have any personal ones so best to keep our DD’s ones at your place”. Or “I’ve mentioned the baubles to DP but she always has a blue and silver theme so don’t think they’ll match”.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 01/12/2019 15:17

Is she spending Christmas day with Ex or just some time in the run up ? Either way a few baubles on the tree wont make any difference really.I would try to let it go if you can .She may not want you and Ex to have "chats " about anything unrelated to DD ,possibly due to her own insecurity .As time passes and she realises you are all moving on ,then she may relax a little .No one can undo the past though and you and Ex have history /child together that is a fact!

Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 15:20

so because he failed last Xmas it is OP’s duty to make suggestions on what he & his partner should do at their house this year ? And if they are declined it is the girlfriend’s fault ?

Exactly.

He can't be relied upon to consider anything to make his dd comfortable, welcome included etc at his home. He sounds like he's thoughtless, low effort, flaky, disorganised, easy life ....

So it's unsurprising op has tried to suggest something, she's trying to be a good parent.

And yes, I would never decline a suggestion aimed at making my dps little DD feel at home and important in our home (at least without an explanation/alternative suggestion) so yes, it reflects poorly on her.

category12 · 01/12/2019 15:20

The whateveryouwantotcallherifnotstepmum doesn't owe OP a detailed explanation of her Xmas decorating plans. Most people wouldn't imagine for a moment that saying no to some home-made Xmas decorations would throw someone into a drama that her child is going to be excluded.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 01/12/2019 15:22

I wouldn’t want your DD to bring baubles you have chosen for her over to put on my Christmas tree either if I was her step-mum.
My DC and DSC all have matching stockings and decorations that we have gotten in family trips to places including DSC and are sentimental to us all as a family.
I wouldn’t dream of sending these to DSC’s mothers unless they asked to take them x

Bellaxx8 · 01/12/2019 15:22

They don’t have to explain to you why they don’t want the baubles 😑

Trinkts · 01/12/2019 15:23

My kids all have special decorations from when they were born, gifts from family, stuff they made at school, etc... I don't put any of them up because it makes our tree look tacky 🙈#meanmum

ColaFreezePop · 01/12/2019 15:23

OP there are really people who don't have special baubles for their Christmas tree chosen or made by their children. I come from an extended family of them and have plenty of friends as well where this stuff has never happened.

In fact if a child makes a Christmas decoration it is never placed on the tree it is hung/placed elsewhere so everyone can see it.

From your previous thread and now with this thread I get the sense that while your ex has moved on with his life you haven't. He is your ex for a reason and instead of blaming his new partner realise you split up with him because he was always this shit. Stop trying to interfere with his life and pretend it is due to your shared daughter. It isn't it is just about you and your feelings.