Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

I can feel the shock from your post; the confusion, the questioning, the "how did this happen??" - and unMumsnetty hugs for you.

You won't be able to calm the panic and disbelief that's swirling round inside you right now, you just need to let it all out to someone until you can start to see what's important here. From a quick look at your previous threads, your partner and the father of your children is having an affair. That's massive. It's massive, it's unbelievable, it's cripplingly painful, but it's true. I'm so sorry.

You need some space to let your head work its way around this. And company. If you can't find company stay here talking to us :) Can you "go out" for a while when he gets out of the shower? You need to go out, clear your head, take a walk.

Well now you know for sure.
So what next for you.
I suggest a bit of headspace.
Do you have a good friend who is completely non-judgey?
Could you stay with that person for a couple of nights?
I know how this feels.
It's horrendous.
Can you leave him for the weekend with the DC?

Why is it too soon to confront him? If you need to get your head together, that's more than understandable, of course.

Thanks for posts yes you're right I'm alone
I'm at work now and I feel sick. I just can't make sense of it all what does he want? And what does she want?

I know from him talking about her before that she wants to settle down and even mentioned she has suspicions about a guy she she met that was married n said "that wasn't for her" so just rly confused. My dp also seems like happy settled down so if he's after a fling/one night stand whatever I can't understand why she would allow that when she's apparently so sick of dating m wants kids n to settle
So is she after this from him?

Should I just see how it goes n then co front him

Colleague at work should I be worried www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3504936-colleague-at-work-should-i-be-worried#84845465

This was my post about her written while ago!!!

No, don't give him any more time or 'see how it goes'. You've seen the evidence and now it's time to confront the slimey toad! They are clearly having an affair.

If I were you I wouldn’t confront him until I had photos of their messages. Wait until he’s asleep or something tonight.
Only because he’s highly likely to lie and minimise and he’ll say the ‘being on top’ comment was an in-joke and the fancying comment was him just being kind etc etc. And then he’ll delete them. And you’ll be left wondering if you can throw away a marriage when you’re not actually certain he’s done anything wrong.

Ok I need to have a look at his WhatsApp I'm just scared as Iv checked his phone before n we had a massive row about it

I only went into txt messages I think he's txting her on there COs he knows on WhatsApp he txts just me n his mum so he definitely is trying it to get caught

I feel ill at the thought COs otherwise it's been ok with us n we've been through a lot in just scared he will tell me togo

Agree with @luckiestgirl

Take pics of the messages so he can't lie. That's what I did when I found the messages on my ex's phone and there was no wriggling out of it.

I expect he will say things like 'I was just joking' or 'we are just friends and it was banter' or maybe something along the lines 'I have been hacked!'. Regardless I am sorry you had such a nasty discovery. Just don't let him make you think your mad or the unreasonable one. I can never understand men and women doing things like this to the one they supposedly love. I hope things work out for you.

I know from him talking about her before that she wants to settle down and even mentioned she has suspicions about a guy she she met that was married n said "that wasn't for her" so just rly confused.
Everything you know about her is from him, is that right?
You need to stop accepting everything he says about her as the truth.
You know what you saw in his phone.
She doesn't owe you anything.
He could be telling her lots of negative stuff about you.
This is on him.

Oh God. You poor thing.
Be careful that you're not already making excuses for him by pinning the blame on her. You say What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? but this is just a self-preservation thing on your part- what hurts you the most must be what he is doing to you. God knows what bullshit he's feeding her about you. Concentrating on the OW will not help you- he is the one who is treating you like shit, and he is the one who owed you respect and love.
Be kind to yourself OP x

Tell you to go?

Oh no, he will be doing the going!!

What is your financial position?

Don't confront him right now.

What she is doing is not the issue. She doesn't have to give a damn that he's in a relationship or has kids. Stop blaming her for any of this. It's all on him. I agree to take a photo of the messages so he can't deny them. Think about what you want going forward and then tell him you know there is something going on between him and this woman. Might be an idea to get some legal advice beforehand so you know where you stand.

That’s awful, you poor thing
Everything you know about her he has told you so is probably total shite designed to put you off the scent - why would he bother to tell you she isn’t interested in married men?
I agree with a pp, you say the thing that hurts you the most is what SHE has done. What you should focus on is what your cheating git of a partner has done. She owes you nothing, it’s not personal, she doesn’t know you - him on the other hand

For me personally, I wouldn't say or do anything yet. I'd want to try and work out if anything physical had happened. Not that text messages aren't awful, but i'd want to get as full a picture of what was going on in terms of 'just' texting (and i don't say that lightly) or something more, with evidence if possible. I'd be checking the phone again and maybe emails or social media? Sorry this has happened, how awful for you.

See if you can arrange to go and see a friend for the day tomorrow and let him have the kids.
You need time to process this and get ducks in a row.
She sounds pretty determined.
If they haven’t done the deed yet; decide if you want to fight for your marriage.
Once it’s out in the open, she may not be that enticing.

What she is doing is not the issue. She doesn't have to give a damn that he's in a relationship or has kids. Stop blaming her for any of this.

Oh bollocks. She knows that he is in a relationship, and it is scummy behaviour to actively pursue someone who isn't available and has a family. Yes, the OW doesn't have any emotional ties to OP but any person with a decent moral compass wouldn't go there. You can't help who you fancy, but the OW shouldn't engage in flirtatious behaviour and tell OP's 'D'P that she wouldn't go there unless he was single.

OP's 'D'P is obviously the most in the wrong here, and OP, you should give him the boot. Take photos of the texts and get rid. No one deserves to be disrespected like that. You mention in your previous thread that he is emotionally abusive to you. Why are you in this relationship? What do you get out of it? 2 posts in a month about this, you don't seem like you could be happy? Would your life improve being single and safe in the knowledge you aren't being treated disrespectfully (and dangerously, if he is having sex with this woman he could potentially be exposing you to STDs) or do you want to carry on being treated so poorly? You deserve better!

Acalavero, I’m so sorry that it has come to this. I have commented on your other threads.

You are in shock. Is it possible to leave work early? Try to stay hydrated.

This is the colleague who commented negatively on your photo (he told you) and gave gifts to him and your child. You are over-focusing on her. Her motivations and intentions are irrelevant.

Focus on your cheating husband. It had already been established that he seeks ego-boosts from other women, has been putting emotional distance between you, and treats you with disrespect. He totally excludes you from his cozy relationship with the attractive neighbor, and allows her to blank you when they visit in front of you. You’ve written that he seems disengaged from you.

I’ve had the impression that you’ve never confronted him about any of the above. He does what he wants and that’s it.

He is having an affair and you need to take action. This would be it for me. I would tell him I knew and then I would tell him to leave. I wouldn’t give him a chance to manipulate by denying, minimizing or deflecting blame.

I am really sorry about your student.

I commented on your thread about your ndn. He really doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s just interested in having his ego massaged. Even if he hasn’t done anything with this woman yet, do you really want to be with this dick head for the rest of your life?

What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?

Your DO knows about you too and he's the one who presumably made a commitment to you.

r I can't understand why she would allow that when she's apparently so sick of dating m wants kids n to settle

Honestly, he is the one who has cheated on you. Focus on that.

DP, I mean.

He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

Isn't the critical question whey he would consider having an affair with her when he knows he's in a long term relationship with two kids?

As a pp said, now you know, you don't need more evidence, I'm sorry. He is having an affair with her.

Where you go from here is now down to you. But this is about him, his relationship with you and his commitment to you. She is of secondary consideration only.

Poor you ☹️ agree with PPs he sounds like the idiot
You need to confront him ASAP

@Acalavero I agree you need to get photos of the texts before you confront him. I've been where you are and as much as he tried to wriggle out if it I had the proof.
You need some time out to decide if you want to fight for your marriage.
Sending hugs as I know it feels like your world is ending right now xxxx