Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

She said it was 2015 that he threw her out.

She also said her eldest DD has MH problems.

So I think she must have had at least one child when he threw her out. Unless she has a preschooler with MH problems, (which would be awful though not impossible, i suppose.)

I understand he is betraying me but I think it's worth contacting OW? Just so she doesn't think we're not together etc.

She already knows you are together. She's made references to being the side chick. Contacting her is not wise.

If he is planning to father her child, have you considered that he may end things? I know you don't want to leave him, but that doesn't mean he won't. You need a plan for that. By the sounds of things, he'd just put you out on the street again. Staying quiet and turning a blind eye to this doesn't mean everything works out.

Have you got a back up plan incase he kicks you out? What if he gets her pregnant and wants to pursue a relationship with her?

He's made his intentions very clear by refusing to marry, kicking you out and treating you awfully...

I am sorry but please don't get caught with no plan here. Your position seems very precarious.

Cole.
I’m assuming so too but wanted to get an age of the older child. Being thrown out. Or else seeing mummy bring thrown out and denied access to her must have been pretty traumatic.

Quite.

He threw me out when my eldest dd was 7, it was a horrific time I think that contributed to her MH issues now if I'm honest
It was because I joined a basketball club, I used to be in a basketball club before I met him, n then after I met him it was so intense, he wasn't happy with any hobbies unless it included him. We basically spent all our time together
But an old friend got in touch with me so I rekindled my hobby. He was very threatened by this, accused me of having affairs with the coaches there, said I was turning our daughter against him COs I took her there n joined her in the kids team! It was absolutely insane,
He just told me to move out but whenever we have a big argument that's always his response tbf "move out"
That time I actually went ahead COs I was so upset/traumatised with how he was with me

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

Thank you. You're absolutely right she knows because of what she said
Also saw a comment of her saying "so ur a house husband today"
His reply "yes but without the status"
N she responded "yes less expensive COs u won't have to divorce"

Does this sound like he's planning to leave me for her?

This man will eventually destroy you.

He does not love you.

You must, starting from right now, focus on getting out, with the minimum financial and emotional damage to yourself.

Your last post is quite worrying for your DD.
You were kicked out for joining a basketball team!

You should have never got back with him.

This is such an unhealthy relationship whether he's cheating or not.

He's so jealous because he knows what he's doing himself.

With 2 daughters, this is not a role model father. Your DD is 10
..going on 11. She's seeing and learning that this is normal. That mum accepts this treatment, so it's acceptable.

The cycle will just continue in the generations to come.

Make a plan. Get your financials in order .... and be serious about it.

Did you ever ask him why he didn't want to go out on your birthday unless his parents were coming?

@SandyY2K

He said he wasn't sure at first because it would be hectic but then said because they seemed eager to go he just went along with it
I've now started to think that may be to do with Ow their workplace is in the centre, however she lives far away so doubt she'd be around that time

He is awful without the cheating.

Op of course its your choice but this is no way to live and for your daughters to see. He sounds controlling and patriarchal.

Jesus Christ really?

Stop obsessing over irrelevant details and plan how to get out of there.

What on earth makes you think there is any security for you and your daughter's with someone who cheats and throws you out on the street?

You're focussing on the wrong stuff here...
He aint shit....The whys and wherefores of that are irrelevant!

Plan your escape this time so you and the girls aren't up shit street again...Think of your kids and do it now op.

OP I so feel for you ...I know you want someone just one person to come along and say its ok hang on in there and all will be well and the OW will just disappear ....but back in the real world life isn't like that.This will get worse I promise you and the only one who will be hurt is you ....I am sorry

You're describing a toxic, dangerous man.

Your children are your motivation to act here.

Why did you go back after he threw you out? Do you still play basketball?

He sounds abusive. If he's cheating, it may be a blessing in disguise.

Maybe start by getting housing advice?

You need the best and most secure housing available to you in whatever your circumstances are.

Your DD's could do with maximum stability. You could do with security to build a home knowing you could stay. It sounds as though housing was part of what sent you back to him last time.

If house prices or private rents are a bit out of your reach, try for either shared ownership or housing association, whichever is most appropriate.

DDs, I mean.

Yes if he's toxic n dangerous why can't other women see it? It just really bugs me he seems to have flocks of women round him
He's actually very charming and well spoken he was a boarding school brat n has had a privileged life
This woman should know better, she's an investigator by career. She must know he's a ew screws loose??

I went back because in essence he is my best friend we've been together since uni n were good friends first, I think I missed him as a friend/company but obviously it didn't stay that way
I ended up getting pregnant instead !

He may be your best friend but you are not his. Would you any friend of yours like he treats you?

Apologies if I’ve missed this but are you married?

Have you ever broached marriage - what does he say regarding the possibility?

I ask the above for an insight into his actual mentality regarding your relationship

• Yes if he's toxic n dangerous why can't other women see it? It just really bugs me he seems to have flocks of women round him He's actually very charming*

Abusive men often are extremely charming. There's even a book on the subject called "Why charming men can make dangerous lovers".

You need to recognise that these other women are just more potential victims for him. Then push them to back of your mind and think about you and your DC.

Why can’t you see it OP?

Surely it doesn’t matter what other women think of him? What matters is how he treats you and your daughters.

You seem to keep relating this to other women, even the title of your thread is about his work colleague and not him. The. Why can’t other women see through him.

What do you want to happen. Do you see yourself feeling safe and happy with him in the future? Is this a relationship you want your daughters to mirror?

What family and friends do you have for support? Have you been to women’s aid for advice on your finances and housing?

This man is controlling you, to the extent he threw you out for pursuing a sporting hobby?! I imagine he has hobbies and past times outside your relationship??

That's exactly what I was thinking @katy78

Or do you see it op but just enjoy the dramas and being a sitting duck?

If you're not going to do it for yourself do it for your girls