Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

I just don't want to leave yet as we've only just settled down. We have two dds, the older one is having MH issues so this is in the back of my head

We have a holiday planned on Easter with his parents, which he's rly looking forward too.

I don't think it's a physical affair yet because I've seen a text say "when do you want me to un nun you?"

She lives an hour away, not in the same city. From what I take she's desperate for a baby, I think my dp has offered to be her donor. That's just from me quickly scanning the txts. I don't think they're planning an affIr but it's difficult to say.

I do need to be stronger yes and leave but like some pp have said to buy some time as if I leave now on a whim I'll be in a rly bad situation. Also, if I confront him I am sure he will just expect me to leave & not fight for our relationship. He really has nothing to lose

OP you can carry on burying your head in the sand.

Good luck.

the older one is having MH issues so this is in the back of my head

Consider the possibility that she's aware of certain things, consciously or subconsciously.

It's not unusual for the less than ideal parent to be quite flagrant around the D.C., confident that children aren't going to want to upset the other (more trustworthy) parent by mentioning certain things.

I don't think it's a physical affair yet because I've seen a text say "when do you want me to un nun you?

That could just be referencing something like gaps between sex ("I've been living like a nun for three whole weeks!")

Stop burying your head in the sand. Is there somewhere you can go ?

Your DP has offered to be her sperm donor? Bloody hell it gets worse...I hope you find the strength to leave this snake and have the life you and your children deserve.

He is also, from your other posts and threads, severely financially abusive and only interested in going out when his parents tag along. He has no respect for you. Why stay?

You sound so weak. My mother was like this when my dad was disrespecting her and believe me I knew about it from as early as I can remember. Her allowing herself to be treated like a doormat has had major lasting implications on me and my relationships, where I have had problems with self-esteem and self-worth. This is what you are teaching your children by staying - that they are worth nothing. I actually think you are really selfish. Why not think of your children here?

That's harsh Katy. There aren't many people willing to walk out on a Sunday morning with two children in tow and no home to go to.

Of course op needs to take time to process what is happening, envision her new future and make plans.

Although I agree that the minimising rhetoric is worrying. Be firm op, none of this is normal or ok. Investigate your options and go.

@CloudTuesday, completely agree, I only posted my post because she is not processing what is happening, envisioning her new future or making plans. She needs a reality check.

What's happening now? Take pictures incase he deletes them regularly

He’s going to father her child?!
You need to leave. This is not healthy for you or your children. How much maintenance will he have to pay? Do you work, can you increase hours? What benefits are you entitled to?

OP as much as we all really want to help you, you need to be ready to help yourself as well and I don't think you are just yet. Just be very very careful because by hanging on you are giving him the chance to strike first and leave you when he is ready which will be much more devastating. I really hope you can find the strength

There’s no helping some people. Or those that won’t see what’s going on. Not one person has said, oooh yes, stay with this man, I’m sure there’s nothing going on.

I can see why you don’t want to leave - you would effectively be homeless. You’re not married, you live in his house. The most you could hope for would be child support. But think of your self respect - you are essentially turning a blind eye to his affair and condoning his actions.

OP I’m so sorry this all sounds desperately
hard and you must be tearing your hair out not knowing what to do

You do however need to do something as you will make yourself ill.

The difficulty is that you whilst I suspect deep down you believe what you have seen is enough to end the relationship it is clear it has enough subtlety about it in the messages that he will try and bluster his way through it.

The likelihood is from those messages in my opinion that they are having an emotional affair and haven’t had sex yet. It’s all very flirty and hinting.
Whether he would ever actually go forwards and make it physical is not known but you need to decide if you can get past the fact that he is even being emotionally unfaithful.

That in itself is traumatic and crushes trust.

You have got to get space from him.
Do you have any family you could take the kids and stay with.

Then tell him you know he has crossed a line and see his reaction.

If he owns it straight up and doesn’t lie then you can evaluate what you want to do.

If he lies or accuses you of wrong doing or not paying him attention etc then I personally think he shows his colours and you are so much better without him.

To me personally an emotional affair is not something I could forgive as fidelity and respect and trust are everything to me. But this is your relationship and only you know what you can love with.

But you need space and time and his reaction to know how you want to proceed

If you can get out and then tell him you know

If you have nowhere to go then tell him and ask him to leave.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. I’ve been there. I was so terrified of it ending I tried everything to suppress what my other half had done , go into denial and squash it down.
It wasn’t until I finally said enough and put some boundaries in place and got some sense of self worth and how far I’d let his behaviour go that I felt all the pain and he was how he’d hurt me - it was only the start of repairing a friendship let alone anything else but four years later we’re living together - married and working through issues
I’m not suggesting this is an outcome for you- my situation was complicated as my OH clearly had mental health issues and was in a breakdown at the time that I felt explained rather than excused his behaviour.
However my point is it’s at the point you value yourself that you see how much the other person values you. If they show you they continue to lie or don’t care then 🤷‍♀️ Silver lining is you’re better off without them anyway.
I don’t think he’s the only one with nothing to lose because there’s no loss in leaving a toxic situation really in the long term- though it’s hard initially it will lead to a better future

'There’s no helping some people. Or those that won’t see what’s going on.'

'She needs a reality check.'

There's helping and there's haranguing. Why don't women in abusive relationships, being beaten even, just walk out? Read a little around the subject and you will come to understand why galvanising the strength to leave more difficult than many think. OP is more likely to seek support on here, and listen to advice, if it is presented as kindness rather than frustration.

'If you have nowhere to go then tell him and ask him to leave.'

You could at least try reading OP's posts, even if you haven't got time to rtft. The house belongs to his parents. He's not going to leave.

Why would you stay because he's looking forward to a booked holiday?!

You are prepared to put up with this trash and nonsense?

Sorry I know what you're all saying is 100% correct. In fantasising of just getting up and leaving of course I am. I can't bare to be treated in this way
I purposely/stupidly mentioned her again to him n he told me so much stuff that just doesn't make sense

I.e she's been with two colleagues before on the same team n both were disasters so apparently she said never again,
The fact she's very mouthy and opinionated which he hates
It just sounds so freaky COs I know what he's like with women who are intimidating etc. He's basically a male chauvinist.

Iv only taken one picture of his phone screen I need to get on his phone again, he is keeping it close maybe he's been txting her again ?

@CloudyTuesday

Thank you for understanding
I feel very delicate right now, he has thrown me out before
Back in 2015
It was a horrible time. I ended up renting somewhere which wasn't a very good area and had so much problems

OP with the best will in the world and lets for arguments sake say he is telling the truth ..there is no affair..you personally cannot and will not ever have peace of mind and stability with this man ever.....the trust is gone and over time this is so so damaging for you for your family for your mental health.Trust is so fragile but it is the very thing that binds us together ..not love..trust and without that you have nothing.You will over time drive yourself insane,checking phones,imagining things in your head when he is not there..you name it you will question it.If I could give you any gift it would be the gift to see this as a fact.You are tourturing yourself today and will continue to do so.You can choose to ignore or try to or you can choose a better life for yourself with someone who will love .trust ,worship and protect you.Or stay as you are .....However hard it would be to go atleast you will have peace of mind.Let the other woman have him ..he is a prize you can afford to live without.Staying and tourturing yourself will cause untold damage to you and your child ...its not fair to let your child grow up in that kind of atmosphere where mummy is shattered.Make plans Make yourself strong and do whats right....Dont wait till it all errupts and chucks you out anyway....be smart be strong .....you can do this.

He's thrown you out before? You poor thing. This won't get better.

Do you have family or friends you could stay with temporarily? In the long run, your best bet might be to apply for council/HA housing. There's a lot being built now, some of it lovely and not on estates. But you'll have a better chance of getting that if you don't have your own tenancy.

Start researching your options. You're not in a secure position.

He threw you out? What for?

He threw you out before. Was that before or after you had your first dd?