Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

Stop blaming the OW. He Is betraying you!

How long have you been together? You still have rights? Can you go to the CAB and get some advice.

I really recommend getting photos of the texts so he can't lie / deny. You'll end up going crazy without them as back up. I'd even save them elsewhere or send them to your friend so you've always got back up. If you can sit it out and wait to confront when you're ready then I'd actually do that. When the kids aren't home/you don't have something on (when you don't have work the next day).

I understand he is betraying me but I think it's worth contacting OW? Just so she doesn't think we're not together etc.

I have taken a quick pic of msgs but can't screenshot them because then hellnknow I would a lot of time to do that COs I'd have to message myself from his phone
But it's hard to take a picture the txt messages seem quite long! I haven't read them all yet!

I can't understand it but he's Vern talking about applying abroad?! It just seems crazy!

Take photos of everything.

Your partner weighed up the cost-benefits of cheating on you, and cheating won over the risk of hurting/losing you. The woman knows you are together and doesn’t give a shit. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Here is why:

www.chumplady.com/2013/08/the-futility-of-confronting-affair-partners/

Your partner is betraying you, what do you intend to do about that?

I think he is at the stage of 'playing fire' and testing boundaries. In his mind, he isn't cheating if he hasn't done anything physical with her, hence he still being loving etc... towards you. The game playing is ex iting him though. He is probably convinced that it an just remain as this and therefore it is OK. He is not cheating but getting a bit of excitement. The problem is that it never stays there. The excitement leads to wanting just a bit more and and a bite more until the line is officially crossed.

If you want to save your relationship, you need to tackle it immediately and confront him. He will then have two options, either realise that he is indeed walking on very dangerous ground and has already crossed the line doing so, or realised that the temptation is too much and despite the obvious risk of losing you will opt to do it anyway.

If he does, he would have certainly done it with you keeping quiet and pretending nothing is happening so you really have nothing to lose challenging him now however scary the prospect.

I agree with so many other comments, I would confront him but do the unexpected. He's weighed it up like someone else said and decided it's worth the risk, probably has mapped out in his mind what would happen if he does get caught, confront him with strength and tell him you are leaving. If he loves you and didn't want this you will absolutely frighten him to death, even if you want to work it out stand firm for a while and make him win you back.

This happened to a very close friend of ours, he's been cheating for years including a 4 year long affair with one person. Wife found out, threw him out, called him the next day and said she just wanted him back. So what has he done? Carried on cheating because the consequences weren't even bad! You need to make a stand for your own sanity, you're worth so much more

You say he avoids commitment and refuses to marry you. That's all you need to know. He doesn't see your relationship as permanent. You deserve so much better.

take the time to plan and make provisions there is no benefit in confronting him now. you need to work out your finances, benefit entitlements, where you would live etc.

he's also cheated your child

What she is doing is not the issue. She doesn't have to give a damn that he's in a relationship or has kids. Stop blaming her for any of this.

Oh bollocks. She knows that he is in a relationship, and it is scummy behaviour to actively pursue someone who isn't available and has a family. Yes, the OW doesn't have any emotional ties to OP but any person with a decent moral compass wouldn't go there. You can't help who you fancy, but the OW shouldn't engage in flirtatious behaviour and tell OP's 'D'P that she wouldn't go there unless he was single.

I think everyone would agree with this. However, when a wife finds out her husband is cheating, it's quite common for her to find a way of minimising his behaviour and blaming the OW. This makes it easier to believe a narrative that they are both 'victims' of a scarlet woman; intent on destroying a happy union.

Reminding a woman that her husband knew exactly what he was doing goes some way to preventing this.

You seem to be grasping at straws.

Confronting the OW won't stop him from being an arse who will ALWAYS cheat on you. He doesn't love you. You give him the appearance of being a decent family man. You give him respectability and you take care of his house and child. That's all you are to him. He doesn't see you as the love of his life, his partner and someone to cherish.

You could confront him now and he will tell you it was all a mistake or it was your fault and he'll never do it again but he will! Over and over because he knows you are too weak to act. He has you exactly where he wants you.

In your shoes, I would find somewhere else to live and leave. No warning, no discussion. Then you text him to tell him what child access arrangements suit you and nothing more.

He took away you dignity and respect so you don't give him any.

Just leave. Don't try to save a relationship with a man who is false and won't ever love you back the way you love him.

"I understand he is betraying me but I think it's worth contacting OW? Just so she doesn't think we're not together etc."

That's a really sad couple of sentences. You really just want her to back off so that he stays faithful to you due to lack of options. Don't you want someone who is faithful due to really loving and respecting you?

"However, when a wife finds out her husband is cheating, it's quite common for her to find a way of minimising his behaviour and blaming the OW."

I think it's natural to feel intense jealousy towards your husband's shiny new plaything, the woman he fancies more than you, values more than you, prioritises over you and your children. She has, after all, competed with you, without doing you the courtesy of telling you that you're in a competition. The jealousy is channeled into anger initially but it passes in time ime.

They haven't done anything yet but I see how they easily could I'm just not sure what to do yet. I want to see if he's planning to go away and then try to slyly find out

Why? Why wait to see if anything physical happens? I bet if something physical does happen you’ll wait again to see if it happens for a second time as then you’ll be able to tell yourself it was “only one time”.

So what they’ve so far not done anything physical together? It doesn’t make it anymore okay! They’re laughing at you, they’re disrespecting you, he’s thinking of her when he should be thinking of you.

Stop waiting for ‘something wlse’ to happen. This is going to go away, OP. Stop trying to convince yourself that it’ll disappear. Your partner is choosing to cheat and disrespect you and your daughter, not the ow. Be a role model for your DP - show her that when arsehole men treat you like shite you walk away.

I meant your daughter not your dp

Next time he leaves his phone lying around, whatever time of day just pick it up and leave the house. Walk/drive off someone and read everything and forward everything to an email address he doesn’t have access to, that way they can’t be deleted or denied.
Then come back and hand him his phone and tell him to fuck off.
I did this with an exP of mine.
He went for a shower and I drove off with his phone, it was the only way I would have been able to look through everything properly.
There were hidden videos of him having sex with OW, texts, pics of her etc

@Breastsidestory that's a great idea!!

I think you need to have a thorough look through that phone to get more of a picture. From what you've said I would assume they have already slept together or are definitely planning on it.

OMG @breastsidestory that's a great idea!!!!

Oh I am so sorry for the situation you have been put into. I was in a similar situation when I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me with a 22 year old girl. I kicked him out and he moved in with her. This is not the other woman's fault, it is his. He is the one who betrayed you and she is just someone who doesn't care about hurting anyone to get what she wants. Please understand that reading the messages and finding out the details will only make you crazy. It's not good for your mental health. I know the need to know all the details and to find out exactly how it happened is strong and you feel like you need to know, but you already know, don't dig any more, it will just hurt you more. Make a plan as to what you are going to do and follow it. Sending you love.

Strongly agree with breast side story

Absolutely with breastside!

In all honesty you're in a crap situation, because it's his house. So if he says...yes I'm having an affair, then what?

You leave with the kids?

He won't marry you. He doesn't want to spend time with you. It was obvious from the birthday thing.

You need to start turning the focus to yourself. If you fill your own time with things and quietly implement the infidelity 180.....you'll build up some strength.

If I was in your position...I wouldn't confront him. Us get my ducks in a row to leave.

Once my accomodation is sorted and I'm prepared... I'd just let him know (in writing if I couldn't talk) that you're not happy for the reasons you've said in other threats and that you know he's crossed a line with ndn.

I'd let him know we can talk about custody soon.

If by some miracle he comes begging...apologises and promises to change...then couples counselling may help.

This man is playing you and doesn't respect you and you need to be ready to go it alone.

" you need to be ready to go it alone."

It looks likely that that will happen anyway at some point, but when he's ready, when his ducks are in a row. This does not sound like a man looking to stay with you forever. Far better to take control and do it on your own terms than wait for him to spring it on you imo.

Could you go stay with family or find somewhere to live first?

Make sure if you do leave that you have copies of bank stuff etc

Acalavero, what is your dealbreaker?

You have written quite a few threads seeking help and validation due to his abusive and demeaning behavior, yet you never take action, confront or leave. At times your friends and family have been ‘horrified’ by his mistreatment of you.

What is it going to take for you to finally leave this man?

They are having an emotional affair with sexual talk, or it has already become a physical affair. If his saying, “I’d like you on top” is not your dealbreaker, then what is?

Please put plans in place to leave. Your partner does not care about or respect you. You’ve written all about it.