Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

It's not about them taking sides. It's the understanding/sympathy they may have that their son has fked around. So if he goes to Saudi, his house would be empty.
They may suggest we stay here until something permanent is sorted. Either way it buys me time.
But I will definitely be confronting them about it all. Who knows? We all may be surprised how they act! They're very close to dd2 as they've been looking after her since 6 months. Knowing, she'd be living far away (which I would have to) might give them some incentive.

Just to add they are the reason I have been putting up with dp esp after finding this out. They have been so good to me and helpful when I need childcare etc.
They are very excited about holiday, the wedding we have planned and outings that I am putting on a brave face for them to enjoy it mostly with them. Tbf, when were out with his parents sometimes dp and his dad usually sit talking and me and his mum will as well .

If you were planning to split over all this I don’t think you would be asking whether he was seeing the OW tonight.

Wedding?! I thought you were separated #confused 🤔

@peasando oh no attending someone else's wedding, having a family holiday and not being on her own on her birthday are more of a priority than leaving the lying cheating DP and protecting her DD's MH!! There really is no hope for some people 🙄

You are literally mad if you think your husband’s parents will take your side. When you are a parent you always take your own child’s side.

Nonsense! My MIL was totally on my side when me and DH split, she realised he wasnt the best role model and could see I was looking after DS very well. 28 yrs later shes still very close, visits at Christmas etc etc.

So what may be the case for one isnt for another.

I hope OP's PIL can see her struggles and support her, as any kind grandparent would.

@babyno5 oops, that will teach me not to RTFT. I keep dipping in and out of this one but I really should just stay away!

@peasando yes me too!! Tearing my hair out!!

You're still planning on going on holiday with this dickhead? I give in

@poundoflard

Thanks
I am hoping this could be the case with me. How did u split up from your ex?
I'm glad you still have a good relationship with your MIL I really hope I get this too after I've confronted

I think they know what he's like, it mustn't be nice for them

@Maddy762

I still have to share a bed with this bastard. Things like this I want to know. I can't ask him outright just yet but I know he is still txting ow
God knows what they're saying

You know enough already. New information doesn’t change anything, does it?

@Maddy762

No I suppose not, I guess it's just a mind f*k because he's still acting loving towards me, hugging, wanting to cuddle etc
I guess it's so hard and emotionally draining COs all the whole I know what he's upto so it's very painful. In some way I wish he'd act distant or off COs then I could just get on with stuff

You don't have to share a bed with this bastard

You are choosing to do so

Big difference

@Acalavero I don't know where to begin. I've read your posts and part of me feels sorry for you and then another part is frustrated with you.

Then I tell myself that it isn't as easy as everyone on here saying LTB right this minute as I do think you need to get a few things sorted.

However you need to stop fixating on the OW - she is not the one in a relationship with 2 children. I know it's hard but try to stop. The anger and disgust should be firmly placed with your prick of a partner.

Yourself esteem sounds on the ground so I think you should work on that whatever way you can - counseling, books, meditation whatever

How are you possibly going to save enough for a house deposit on your own? I appreciate you are abroad but I didn't think this would be something easily done by someone working part time with a shithead of a partner like yours who I'm sure isn't the most generous with money and indeed kicked you out of the house before?

His parents won't give a flying fuck about you when push comes to shove. Blood is thicker than water and of course they will side wit their son?? To be it seems like you are hoping for some magical intervention by the parents who will somehow intervene, save the day and show their son that they are missing out on the love of their lives!!!

You need to somehow dig deep to find the strength to get away from this man who is not only damaging you but sadly is damaging your daughters lives.

Break the cycle of abuse and show them a better way to be treated. Our parents are the role models we look to when finding a partner. So please don't let those girls believe that this is what a 'normal relationship' is.

Why can't you move in with your parents or sister? What did you do with all the furniture you said you bought last time when he kicked you out?

OP, with the greatest of respect you are literally doing nothing. All this “buying time” crap is bullshit. You are sitting on mumsnet, hoping that he leaves for a new job. That’s it.

Find some strength and self worth. Quickly.

@peanut2017

My friend has managed to buy a house with her savings and being on s part time wage. It isn't impossible? I am aiming for s small terraced house in certain areas which are cheaper

Like I said before, I spend a lot of time with his parents. They may give me some support more than ppl think. It does happen.

@TFBundy

I'd like to know
What makes you think he's a narc?
The ow does not follow a same pattern as me. She's the opposite - confident and extroverted

What the hell difference does it make whether he is or isn't a narc?

He treats you like shit, what more do you need to know? Or if you can stick a label on it does that excuse his behaviour?

Stop focussing on the OW and concentrate on your children ffs

@Acalavero ok maybe you can get a house on your own working part time. Certainly wouldn't happen where I live unless you earned an absolute fortune.

How long do you reckon it will take to save for this house? Have you spoken to the bank to get an idea of what they expect you to have saved etc?

Again where I am from you need bank statements, proof of savings, earnings etc and are judged on your ability to pay back the mortgage especially working part time with two children.

Have you gone to counseling before to get an independent persons perspective on this situation? Have you got in touch with any women support groups?

@peanut2017

I've had a mortgage in principal- they took account benefits I'd receive (working tax credits) and child maintenance so maybe it had something to do with this
The houses Iv looked at are in not so good areas so a bit cheaper, but I'd have to live close to mum and sisters n that's the nearest area to them I can afford.

Also, I'm lucky Iv quite a large saving for deposit. I've also managed to save more and am doing so now being very thrifty etc

They put me through tonrelate because I wanted the relationship to work
That was obviously before finding these txts tho so I had had counselling of there which helped me but since finding these txts in a mess

The reason I focus on ow because pp mentioned him being a narc n how they target women but again, this woman is someone I would not call weak or dependent. She's a higher officer, earns shitloads more than him, surrounded by friends and is Holistic therapy. Has described her as brash and opinionated so I was just wondering what pp meant by certain women.
He's definitely got her wrapped around his finger by scanning txts, she seems like she's really into him and willing for him to be her sperm donor!! So it's beggars belief to me why she's allowing this.

@TFBundy

I have heard about her from his other colleagues or else I wouldn't be so convinced about what type of woman she is. He had actually let me meet his colleagues. I know more about his team/workmates then he does mine!

He has called her ugly n even showed pics he found of her saying how rough n ugly she is. I know he might be saying this but I also know he's very superficial too esp when it comes to looks/body.