Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

Surely it doesn’t matter what other women think of him? What matters is how he treats you and your daughters.

I have an idea that provoking jealousy in the OP is one of the tactics he uses to keep her with him.

He keeps saying he is settled with me
He's usually always here with me n the dc every weekend never goes out alone and wants to spend time as a family so I am really struggling
He also comes back from work 4pm so even his hours aren't bad

I can't say he's spending time away from us or treating us bad because he hasn't
It just so happens I checked his phone n saw those msgs! Now I'm wondering has he done this in the past with another colleague/women??

What if I didn't see the messages n just carried on as normal
I'm just rly confused right now and wanting to have something set in concrete before I make any rash decisions

I'm thinking of just crying to him that I know he's cheating or is that a bad idea?

Yes it’s a bad idea .

Bad idea. You're just showing your hand for nothing if you do that. He'll lie and then be on his guard.

OP, stop focusing on the why and accept the what. He is cheating on you and no amount of crying and obsessing is going to change that irrefutable truth. It doesn’t actually MATTER why he tells you lies, he does. End of.

Please please consider leaving this horror of a man.

Bloody hell. He's a catch! Not

Start getting your ducks in a row

Oh Jesus Christ. It’s clear you aren’t going to leave. It’s not enough for you that your children are already showing signs of mental health problems, you are only thinking of yourself. Their well-being and mental health are of no relevance to you, the main thing is you aren’t alone no matter what right? How can you put them in this position? Hope you have thought about your plan for WHEN he kicks you out.

Other than the odd basket ball thing, I think this man jist sounds checked out of the relationship. I assume the set up is because of the kids,

I also think the op has also checked out too though, as it's loud and clear her primary concern is he will chuck her out again, and she's just clinging on by her finger nails.

Op, even if you elect to pretend you don't know, which is what I suspect you're going to do, I really would focus on your financial situation, so if it comes to it you can go with less problems than before.

@Bluntness100

Can u explain what checked out means? Do u mean he just doesn't love me anymore?

Sorry, I mean not emotionally invested, Love is much more complex.

www.bustle.com/p/7-signs-your-partner-is-slowly-checking-out-of-the-relationship-how-to-stop-it-8370821

I just read this as I do think that's the case (emotionally checked out)

But I'd say he's doing about 2/7 on there
He's still very intimate with me and is always the first to Initiate hugs/kisses
Always makes me laugh too in so confused

His friend asked him if he could come out Friday night n he said no n spent night drinking with me at home

But u have a point, I think this could be the catalyst

What if I didn't see the messages n just carried on as normal

Then you'll buy yourself a bit of time, but nothing will get better. You have no security, he won't give you any and he's sniffing around looking for other options at the very least. It sounds very much like he's already found someone else.

He might not be planning to leave you right now. He might just father a child with this women or they may just have an affair, or you may never know what happens, but what about the next woman? And the woman after that? He won't commit to you; you still won't have any more security and he'll keep fucking around.

You said earlier that you're not married; but she's mentioned divorce... is he married to someone else?

He's still very intimate with me and is always the first to Initiate hugs/kisses
Always makes me laugh too in so confused

That doesn't mean anything. Some people can be intimate with many people; some can be intimate with anyone; some are only intimate with one or two people.

You are wilfully ignoring whats going on here, and what a bad position you are in.

I can’t say he’s spending time away from us or treating us bad because he hasn’t.

With respect, that statement does not match the 4 or 5 threads that you have written during the past 2 months. He works away on average 2 weeks each month and you dread his return. Your fear is that he is actually seeing someone when away.

You say he doesn’t seem to be into the relationship and doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. When you and the girls were ill, he only remarked that he was glad he wasn’t there to catch it instead of being concerned about you and the girls. Your birthday was not the only time that he balked at being out with you.

His version of being “settled with” you is unhealthy [read controlling and unkind] and damaging to your daughters. You live in fear that he will throw you out again if you rock the boat.

Please do not cry to him that he is cheating. That would just give him more ammunition to manipulate you and treat you with contempt.

I hope that you will soon start planning your exit. That is the only way forward.

If it was me I probably would tell him quickly that I know what's going on. I would take his phone first and take pictures of all of the messages, I would get somewhere lined up to stay, I would make sure I knew where I stood financially but I wouldn't wait around any longer than I absolutely had to because I would want to rip the plaster off, get it out there, get it said, start dealing with it. Delaying too long will only prolong the torture for you

I feel for you. You seem scared of life without him. I know how that must feel. But also- you deserve not to have to second guess everything and creep about on eggshells for the rest of this relationship.

@MsDogLady

When you put it like that, you're absolutely right omg!
It's just I was referring to since seeing the messages and a bit before, he's being attentive and loving
I'm just emotionally drained by it all

My abusive ex was handsome and charming. Made getting willing victims easier for him certainly. I was young and very naive and didn't realise the dangers of charmers. With respect to your "D"P I really have to award full marks for effort for the sperm donor story. Cracking cover for if/when OW gets pregnant and you find out. But seriously this will only get worse. You have to see it for yourself and be ready to leave though. I know I did. I really hope that's soon.

He’s abusing you. But by continuing to hang around in desperation for his love and commitment (that you’ll never get) you are abusing your children

Ffs OP your child has MH problems - by your own admission he has contributed to that! Why the hell are you even in the same room as this man?! You are failing your children by remaining with this man.

You sound desperate. Where is your back bone? Where is your instinct to protect your kids? Because right now you aren’t protecting them.

He doesn’t give a shite about you. Leave, move on, find happiness without him and most importantly start protecting your children from men like him.

I’m starting to wonder whether this is real or not

Yes, narcissists will display periods of kindness to lull or charm you. It is interesting that he is being affectionate with you while simultaneously texting OW these awful messages.

But you did see the messages and obviously something is going on between them. Plus he thew you and dd out over going to basketball this is not a healthy relationship for you and your dc. Do you work op? I think you need to have a backup plan for if he throws you out again because due to the fact the house is in his name and you aren’t married you could potentially be homeless. Is that why you are putting up with his crap you seem to have done a complete u turn from your previous posts and earlier ones on this thread now all of a sudden he’s a good man and are going to ignore the messages.

@DrCoconut

Do u mean he will just say he felt sorry for her and agreed to be her sperm donor?

@MsDogLady

So it's normal for a narcissist to do this? When I had therapy a few years ago, every time I would describe his behaviour my therapist would comment that he sounds like he had narcissistic qualities. So I find this really interesting

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

Yes I work but only part time as I reduced my hours after we had second dd a year ago.
I'm very stuck
I want to be with him but feel sick At his total disregard and cheating

I want to be with him but feel sick At his total disregard and cheating

You need a plan for if he decides he doesn't want to be with you. He is abusive and he doesn't not treat you well.

Is he married to someone else? You said the OW had been talking about divorce; but you are not married.