Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

Am I just being stupid to just think of not doing nothing and hope it just goes away?

I did say to him on purpose after I saw the texts that I had a dream of him cheating n it was upsetting
He was like no way aw come here n gave me a hug said he wouldn't

It was so bloody convincing I think that's why I'm in shock

Maybe he will feel guilty n just stop? Is that stupid?

It's his house . His parents paid for it, he has no mortgage n pay them interest . I pay food/utility bills. That's why I'm in a really bad situation

Of course it won't go away. It doesn't matter how convincingly he lies to you - he is cheating on you and you have seen proof of it. So sorry this is happening to you.

Am I just being stupid to just think of not doing nothing and hope it just goes away?

If you do plump for that, start secretly saving to give yourself options.

I wouldn't do anything rash right now, like confronting him, until you have had a chance to process it a bit.

I agree with luckiestgirl who said get his phone and have a good look and take pictures when you have some time. You don't have to take any immediate action with them. Just have them to look at and read again when you aren't quite so shocked.

Gosh he’s got it made hasn’t he? His parents pay for the house and you pay for all the bills. I bet you do most of the housework and wifework too and provide him with sex on demand.

No wonder he doesn’t want you to leave.

Do you have kids together ?

This is not a good relationship. You are not happy and have no security or equality. Plan how you will leave. Then he can shag who he likes and pay for his own food and bills.

You have already been ignoring all of his emotionallly abusive behavior and it has not gone away. He does not feel guilty.

Don’t be passive, Acalavero.. He is taking you for a fool.

You may have tipped him off with the dream talk. Try to see his phone soon and take photos.

You say you are afraid he will tell you to leave if you rock the boat. I absolutely would find a way to leave him.

Why would you stay with a cheating man who treats you with contempt?

This is awful. Op I want to give you a shake and say...

You. Are. Worth. More. Than. This!

No, you shouldn’t wait and see how it goes, unless of course you’re enjoying feeling like this?

Personally if my husband rowed with me over looking st his phone, that would be enough of a red flag for me. But both DH and I leave our devices around and can use each other’s devices as we have nothing to hide.

Telling him about your ‘dream’ is so meek. I feel so sorry for you that you don’t have the confidence to stand up for yourself. It seems he has all the control...his home, his phone, him him him. An the emotional abuse is horrific.

Please don’t think you have to tolerate this for years to come. We only get one life and there are lovely people you could meet out there.

Please don’t keep it to yourself and hope it goes away - it won’t! You will torture yourself and go insane

You seem to be focusing on her too much. “How could she do this?” “Why would she do this to me?” “DP said she’s old”

This woman owes you nothing. This woman is free to go with whoever she wants. If your husband is up for an affair with her then that lays with him, not her. She could be the youngest most attractive woman in the world but if he was a decent partner he wouldn’t cheat. You need to focus on what he has done to you, not her. She hasn’t made him cheat, she hasn’t forced him into this - he has willingly chosen to. You need to hold him responsible for that not her.

Do you have any friends or family you could stay with?
The only time I’d be keeping this to myself is so that I could save up for a small deposit and start renting somewhere asap! He doesn’t deserve you

Hope you’re okay

I agree with luckiestgirl who said get his phone and have a good look and take pictures when you have some time. You don't have to take any immediate action with them. Just have them to look at and read again when you aren't quite so shocked.

Yes. Also then when you do confront him he won’t try and mess with your mind and say you’re remembering wrong.

Do you know as much about his other co workers personal lives as this particular woman? Seems like a lot to be telling you about her. Mentionitis is coming to mind.

No one sends messages like the ones you have read unless something is going on or is just about to happen. How do you know he talks about you a lot in work? It might be time for you not to take everything your partner says as the truth and look at what he says with a more critical eye.
Good luck.

From personal experience, don't give time or space. Calmly if you can just tell him you know about the colleague & you'd like the truth. Give him the option to tell you the truth. Once he's spoken, walk away. Please don't do what I did & hang on in the hope it just goes away. It really doesn't. Good luck & I promise you it'll get better. You'll have a shit time to begin with & it'll be tough but you'll be ok. ❤️

OP are you married.
You say it is your DH's house, does he own it or his parents?
If it is in his name and you are married it becomes a joint asset.- so l am told.

I'm sorry op I think you need more evidence before you do anything

I'm not married. I made other posts about wanting to be married but him always dismissing it
I'm in a really bad place aren't I? I can't see this going away
I never thought he would do this esp with a colleague so I'm just processing it
Iv again had a quick look at us mobile
Very quick

It's awful because it seems he's txting first always n double txting , I'm not sure if that's because she knows I might be there. But there was a joke I saw her mention "won't I be your side chick"
It's vile. Sorry I'm just empathetic in that way and put myself in their position and i know even if there was someone I was tempted with...if they had a long term partner/wife I would never cross that line, that's why I keep mentioning her as I'm just confused she knew about our holiday, how long we've been together
We have a 1 year dd I think she's just as much to blame

Unfortunately I think the 'OW' seems to get the blame but remember it's your partner who is betraying you - not her. She's just horrible with no morals. But this is your partner who should be faithful.

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. I discovered my husband affair reading his messages on Christmas Eve. It is a horrible shock to find out something you suspected has been true all along.

Definetly need to get photos of the messages, hide them in your phone though if you don't want 5o let on yet. However when it was me I went and threw his phone at him to wake him up and screamed st him! So I admire your ability to refrain!

It's the most horrible gut wrenching thing to find out hun. But it is important to look after yourself here so you can be there for your son. Take each day at a time.

According to DP, OW asked to see OP’s photo and commented that OP looks older than he. Whether OW actually said that or he made it up, in telling OP, he was obviously trying to humiliate her and put her on the back foot.

DP has also humiliated OP with a cozy relationship with a neighbor, and has condoned the woman’s complete blanking of OP. She has referred to a thread about a problem with another female colleague.

OP has commented that DP has been emotionally abusive, as well as emotionally unavailable. He works away 2 weeks each month and is disengaged when he calls. When OP suggests going out, even for her birthday, he hems and haws, and will only agree to go and show enthusiasm if his parents go along.

DP has been financially abusive, and during OP’s mat leave he was selfish with money by never giving her money, yet expecting her to pay for things with her low maternity pay. Her family, friends and colleagues were horrified.

Acalavero, this man has long been abusing and neglecting you, and has been putting emotional distance between you to justify his cheating.

You cannot unsee the damning evidence on that phone, or pretend that his cheating and mistreatment of you will stop.

*Will you fancy me with one boob? Of course I would.
*When can we see each other? [obviously referring to outside of work)
*I’d like you on top.

This is infidelity. It is time to gather your self-respect and make a stand. Your daughters will benefit from your courage to walk away. Otherwise, this will be their model for relationships.

What are your options for leaving, if you decided you wanted to?

Could you move back with family temporarily until you can find housing?

OP, firstly sending hugs and support to you, you must be going out of your mind

You're going through all the 'normal' thought processes for someone in your situation, from wondering if this could go away to blaming yourself, to thinking you have no way out, you're feeling this way because right now is your lowest point.

You are much stronger than you feel right now and if you can face this head on and be strong it will be so so hard but you WILL end up in a much better place and happier than if you decide to let this go.

If it was me I would definitely confront him and tell him it's over, I'd want to be the one to end it. Do you have somewhere you can go with your DH temporarily just for some space whilst you figure things out? I know that everyone's advice will be hard to hear and so much easier said than done but you can do it x

How can men stay normal/loving if they're cheating? He's being quite close to me I'd say
I did re check messages (again very quick) he doesn't leave his phone around much but done this for awhile because has a pedometer on there so usually says it's because of that

They haven't done anything yet but I see how they easily could I'm just not sure what to do yet. I want to see if he's planning to go away and then try to slyly find out

@Zucker

And to everyone else I know he talks about me because I have bumped into one of his colleagues before with him n they recounted loads of moments we've had.
He also says he tells ppl at work like what we're doing f for example going on holiday, or places.

Sorry don't have anyone really to talk to about this I don't wanna tell many ppl yet, only told one close friend but she has a lot on and has told me to stay put for now and see if planning to go away somewhere

At the moment he, and ow, see you as someone rather pathetic and easily duped. Wouldn't it be nice to put a plan in place and leave the bastard? They'd see you in a new light then. Take time to process, plan accordingly and go. Life is too short and precious to allow yourself to be treated like this.

What MsDogLady said. It’s going to be tough but what would you say if one of your relatives was on the receiving end of this type of behaviour/relationship. Don’t set an example to your kids that this is all ok