Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

@TFBundy

I agree I also think he's a narc. When my sister first met him 15 years ago, she said within hours he seems like a narcissist

Please leave him. I don't know why you're putting yourself and your children through all of this.

@BlameItOnBianca

I am planning to leave him just riding it out until he hears back from job as that's when I'll make my move.

I'm praying everyday he gets this job 🙏🏼

A job is Saudi, with relocation, won't come through quickly. If he did get an offer; you'd need to sort visas and house hunt over there and it would be normal for you all to visit first. How much of this charade are you going to go through before you tell him that you're not going? He could have months left in the country between you telling him and him going.

Also, if he thinks such a lot of your parents, he may very well not go if they'd look down on him for leaving his children behind. You've also said his image is important to him, so he may not want to be seen like that.

Basically, you've built a fantasy plan. It's got too many variables and even if that bit all came off perfectly; you're then relying on his parents to let you stay and support you, even if he doesn't want them too.

Make a real plan now, one that puts you and your children first; and protects your DDs MH. That's very hard to fix once you've fucked it up. He is not your friend, this isn't saveable.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath brings up very valid points.

@Acalavero, what if he gets the job offer in early April and needs to marry right away, before all the paperwork is done to prepare for everyone to go?

Regarding OW, he may say derogatory things about her, but regardless, he is pursuing her. She has shown him her vulnerability—she wants to have a baby and he has offered to ‘help.’

Yes both are you are definitely right
I can definitely confirm that nothing physical has happened yet because the recent txt message says from ow "youre not really seducing me here "
After he gave her a print screen of hotel, so in one way I wanted evidence of physical as well

However, concerning Saudi job I would have to confess everything before the marriage thing gets mentioned . There is no way on earth I would go ahead n marry him trust me on this one. Adultery is a big thing to me I'm so so against cheating

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

Accommodation is provided. It's on a compound full of expats, the package reads like house and car are provided and he would have to go first which he has already said to me because his visa would get done ASAP. Then he would probably go out there for a month and me and the kids would be out on his visa initially
This has been confirmed by his parents who have done this and his work colleague
Because of the start date in October if he does get the job, I'm guessing he'll be going out there in September to "settle in"
I can't go anyway then even IF I was going to go because of my job, i would have to do a handover in September.

Adultery is a big thing to me I'm so so against cheating

He has cheated, he is cheating. He has booked a hotel with his OW. "You're not really seducing me here" doesn't mean they haven't slept together, it sounds like a playful jibe, the type I'd have with my DP if he sent me a screenshot of a hotel but didn't say anything sweet... and we've definitely slept together.

Now he might have slept with her or he might not - from what you've said, it sounds very much like they have, but if they haven't, they are clearly planning it. That is cheating, that is enough. You will never catch them in the act, you won't get a moment of hell-fire and revenge to show him what he's fucked up. That doesn't happen now.

You make the choice whether to stay and accept this forever, bury your emotions and hope your DD's MH doesn't get any worse, or to leave and rebuild. Leaving will always be hard. Making the first move is hard. But those are your choices, and there is no "soft" option that means he'll disappear for a period and you can stay where you are without him and not have to deal with him or contact or move house. That doesn't really exist. It's a fantasy, to stop you having to deal with this now.

Ignore the Saudi job. Whatever your plan, you have to decide now whether you accept this and stop snooping for your own mental health as much as anyone else's, or you make a realistic plan and leave, imminently.

So you are planning to reveal in April? Do you have a place to go at that time?

Of course he’s slept with her. The seduction thing was a bit of sexual teasing. He is cheating and it’s ongoing.

So it's beggars belief to me why she's allowing this

Interesting, you recognise that your ‘D’P is treating another woman badly by having an affair with her, for example you pointed out you wouldn’t stand for only being texted in the day, so why can’t you recognise how badly you are being treated? Why do you think you allow it?

it beggers belief why shes allowing this

Sorry forgot to mention the few other txts after were "aaaah (name) I'm not just gonna sleep with you like tha am I"
Him- "but I know you want to though"

There is txts being deleted in between cos I've checked n he's deleting them after he's replying I think. That was yday the last time I checked. But the ones I'm seeing I'm getting pics off definitely gaps tho as it doesn't scroll up there's just one or two randomly
So yes you're all right I can't be a 100% but just going off these txts I don't think they've done anythin
Although I bet they have kissed maybe fondled in her car (they're still hiding it from colleagues)

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

Thank you so much I just need strength. I'm so emotionally and physically drained that I've actually been told by my manger today that he's very concerned - bear in mind I have been getting on with work n leaving everything at home , not shedding a tear etc just putting my heart n soul into work
But even he can see there's something going on I must look weak or something

@MsDogLady

I will stay with my sister after I reveal definitely because I can tell u now he will be telling me to go, I know this he'll be so blasé about it
Even if he is sorry he'll just say something like "we can't work now so u have to leave" I can see it now

@UnderHerEye

I'm sorry I sound really pathetic maybe I'm messed up but I would never just sleep with a guy in a relationship with kids being used in the day knowing he's going back home every evening etc
I just didn't think women would take that where's the romance in getting a quickie in some cheap hotel near ur workplace? Again in the day time because he's back on the dot from work every day and weekends with me doesn't go out so I think I'm busy baffled by it

@Acalavero I know. Nobody is saying it's not hard, certainly not me. But it genuinely doesn't get much easier until you find the strength to break it off.

Let's make a plan, you don't have to do it alone. There's smart women on MN who have done this before, who know the games that are played and the ways around them.

What do you need to have in place before you tell him? Somewhere else to live? Is there anything else?

Okay, you have your sisters. That's good!

Does she know? Can you tell her this weekend?

AnchorDown. There’s no point in trying to rescue her. She doesn’t really want to do anything.

What @AlexaAmbidextra said

All OP wants to do is blame the OW, pointless

OP - did your DP not discuss going to Saudi with you and the kids? Seems like he made a unilateral decision based on his wants, and assumed you’d leave your job, kids schools etc and just tag along.

If his parents own the house, why would they be happy for their grandchildren to be thrown out of their home on his whim, once you have done “the big reveal” about his affair? Especially if they help out with childcare etc, and have a good relationship with you too. They will surely be extremely distressed that your DP will be making his own children homeless. If youre on good terms with them, they may be willing to let you and kids remain in their property? Could DP not go to live with his parents?

@hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Yes this is what I've been saying in a few posts now but other posters don't seem to think dps parents will do this
Interesting you do as I was thinking in the same page. They've become really close to me and i think they'd be really annoyed with what he's doing
I pray that what you said will be the initial outcome. This is ONLY if he gets the Saudi job, I don't see it happening if he's still working here

@acalavero No, I was actually thinking this regardless of whether he goes to Saudi. If your DP asks you to leave when you tell him what you know, and make your DC homeless, would your in-laws not veto that? It’s not your DPs house, so not his decision to throw you/kids out? Would his parents not be extremely concerned about their GC welfare in this situation? Personally I wouldn’t be waiting for the Saudi unicorn to materialise. You are giving DP all the power, plus likely timescales will mean months and months of misery for you.

Were they annoyed the last time he booted you out on the street???

I think you're absolutely deluded, the extent of which is pretty worrying....

Your story has more holes than an edam.