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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and prostitute

539 replies

MrsGaslighted · 03/06/2018 02:06

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

OP posts:
Brendatheblender · 03/06/2018 02:10

Sorry you are going through this OP. I don’t have any advice but someone will be along soon who will help x

MMmomDD · 03/06/2018 02:14

OP - you aren’t in a court of law, so what do you need to prove?
If you feel unhappy and don’t trust him - it’s all you need to know.
And it’s up to him to prove his innocence, if he cares enough.

Middlrm · 03/06/2018 02:28

So sorry to hear this ... What’s the script ?

gettingtherequickly · 03/06/2018 02:33

You don't need to prove anything, if you want a divorce you can get one, and fault rarely comes into it. So get some legal advice and move on to the next chapter.

BitOfFun · 03/06/2018 02:40

The trust has gone; the relationship is over for you. That's enough.

Monty27 · 03/06/2018 02:40

If you sniff it then it's there. Good luck OP. I feel you have a hard road to travel. Stay with your gut and stay strong.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/06/2018 02:57

I know why you need proof.

You need it there, right in front of you, that he is (or preferably isnt) a lying cheating bastard. Otherwise, how can you justify ending your marriage?

The problem is that you will probably never get it. He will deny, deny, deny, and given that this is just be one time you found evidence in 25 years, he is good at covering his tracks (sorry, but he will have done this many times).

You need to make decisions about your future based on what you know now, because you will never get that defining moment.

You love the man you thought he was, do you love he man he is?

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 03/06/2018 03:00

I don’t know why you need roof, if you are sure you can act on it and walk away, unless it’s about money and settlement?

SandyY2K · 03/06/2018 10:06

I couldn't be with a man who went with a prostitute. He's lying to you. Believe him if you want... but I wouldn't.

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 03/06/2018 11:54

Thanks for your replies.
I noticed he had a text message from an unknown number but had turned text previews off. I clicked on it and could see the first line in the inbox that said "I can do friday?"
It looked work related so I didn't fully open the message and felt bad for looking. It was only when I asked a few days later why he had turned previews off and he said he hadn't that I got suspicious. I looked for the text but it had gone. I looked on the bill and saw 2 texts. Googled it and up popped the hooker.
I told him to get out and he went to a hotel. He begged me to check the bill so I could see that he hadn't replied to book it. He hadn't and I let him home.
All was going as well as it could until I was on his laptop a couple of months ago and an odd email address autofilled. I cross referenced it with Adultwork and social media and it looks like it has an Instagram account. He of course knows nothing about this, said he must have typed it into a site that asked for an email as a fake one so he didn't get junk mail. It just happens to be someone's actual email address.
He's getting frustrated that I won't let it drop and says if I look hard enough I will
Find stuff that isn't even there.
I just don't know what to think. Either he is telling the truth and I'm driving myself mad, or he's a bloody good liar. If it was a one off drunken mistake on that night I could probably get over it in time. Do hookers even use Instagram??
(I can't get back to look at names to reply, but the script is basically what any man who gets caught comes up with. I was only looking. It was the first time. I was never going to go)

OP posts:
AnduinsGirl · 03/06/2018 11:59

Oh OP. :( It's ok to not want to be with a man who even considers buying a woman to fuck.

MontyPants · 03/06/2018 12:01

Even if he didn’t go through with it, he was still contacting a hooker. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t know how to contact a hooker, so I guess it would take at least a bit of searching online. It’s not the same as a drunken one-night-stand or something (which is still bad), but what he did took planning. I’m sorry OP but he’s a bastard for doing this, and I’m not sure I could trust him again.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 03/06/2018 12:05

It would be enough evidence for me that he went as far as booking a 'date' with another woman. Even if he didn't go through with it the thought and want was there. You deserve more

Twopointsforhonesty · 03/06/2018 12:06

I can’t ever imagine a situation in which soliciting a woman to have sex with is the first indiscretion. Even if not in a relationship, it takes a man who feels he’s so entitled to sex that he can exploit and subjugate any woman to get it. That’s not the attitude of a respectful partner, even if he didn’t go through with it. Which he almost definitely did.

Have you checked the sex workers reviews on UKPunting? You might find input from your husband there. Perhaps cross reference the dates.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 03/06/2018 12:07

The fact that he is having the cheek to get frustrated would just piss me off even more. I very much doubt this is the first time he's ever done anything like this. Just the first time he's been caught

disappearingninepatch · 03/06/2018 12:09

So sorry to hear this ... What’s the script ?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

AnnieAnoniMouser · 03/06/2018 12:15

You could call the woman and ask her if he’s ever been to see her.

I don’t know whether she’d tell you the truth or not, but she might.

There are so many ways he could have contacted her, or others, that you can’t rule it out simply because he didn’t text her back from that phone.

It’s really hard isn’t it. You might not want to throw away 25 years if he was ‘just looking’ & messaged her, but you might if he’s actually been to see her. Or you might either way. It would help to know the truth before you make a decision. Sadly, I don’t think you’ll get the truth, so you’ll have to decide based on the facts you do have and how you feel 🙁

thingscanchange · 03/06/2018 12:17

hi if you don't trust him and this may sound naive but can you ask the working girl?

she obviously wants to earn money and you know her details so why not arrange to meet her and take a photo of your dh with you, give her £50 and ask her face to face if shes ever slept with him?

explain you don't blame her at all but can't rest unless you know the truth because you dont want to be his victim.

loveyoutothemoon · 03/06/2018 12:33

Even though he didn't book her doesn't mean he hasn't in the past and hasn't booked another one. It's the fact he wanted to (that on it's own would be a deal breaker for me). Fuck him off.

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 03/06/2018 12:37

Yes the fact he contacted her at all very nearly ended it. I thought he had more respect for women.
I have been through uk punting but can't find any reviews for her that l could tie to him. What an awful site that is.
I did think about asking her but I sent her a text the day I found out to say she wouldn't be getting his custom, she said she didn't know who I was talking about so I doubt she would help.
I know everyone must say this but he has been the perfect husband for 25 years. We got married when we were 21 and I thought I knew him inside out. If there was one person I thought I could bet my life wouldn't do this it's him.

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 03/06/2018 12:40

Yes hookers use instagram and twitter.

Frosty66612 · 03/06/2018 12:47

If my OH even considered paying a hooker for sex i’d leave. I couldn’t stay with someone who was excited by the prospect of cheating. If there were issues in the relationship and he wasn’t happy anymore then i’d either want to work through them together, or split up so we could both then be free to sleep with who we wanted without hurting anyone else in the process

JustGettingStarted · 03/06/2018 12:52

He's either a cheater or a timewaster, and both are bad!

Don't bother the prostitute. She's very unlikely to remember your husband even if she did meet him. She will probably ignore you or put the phone down and block your number.

Failingat40 · 03/06/2018 12:58

Oh dear. Have you gone right through all his phone bills to google all the numbers?
If not, do it.

Don't bother trying to get the hooker to talk, she won't.

Her earnings depend on her discretion and one bad review saying she squealed to a punters wife is enough to ruin her.

It's highly unlikely that your husband got caught the very first time he texts a hooker.

It's most likely he's been doing it a while, have you got access to joint accounts to see where the marital cash is being spent?

Angelf1sh · 03/06/2018 13:07

You don’t need anymore proof than you already have. He texted a prostitute and made a booking. The fact he didn’t meet her seems likely to be connected to the fact that you found out. It’s clearly utter nonsense that he never intended to meet her because why else would he have asked about her availability? You don’t need anymore than this to end your marriage if that’s what you want to do. You don’t need him to accept it or anyone else to agree with it.

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