Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

He probably didn't see that prostitute. Because she couldn't see him when he asked. He asked for, perhaps, Wednesday and she said that she wasn't available but that she could do Friday. He didn't reply because he wasn't looking for Friday and so had nothing more to say to her.

Look for a lump sum withdrawn from account on the day or day before. If you can get into location services (if he has an iPhone) you’ll know if he’s been to her premises.

The location services thing on his phone doesn't work. I don't know why as it's all on. Annoying as that would have shown me exactly what I needed to see. I don't think he knows it's there as he didn't know about advanced history or anything else on there.
Without wanting to give too much info in case I out myself, we both work for the family business. Him and his dad got new cars a few weeks ago that have trackers so I can see that he has not been to the area that she is in, on the edge of town. But then who's to say it's just this one woman.
There is nothing standing out on the bank statement. I can't check all of his phone calls as he makes hundreds for work. I've crossed referenced all the texts on his phone with the ones on the bill. There is only one other text that has been deleted. I called it and it was a man. Maybe I should text and ask for an appointment. Do they still use pimps? I have no idea how this sordid world works and quite frankly never thought I'd need to.
I'm starting to think that even if it is what he tells me is true that the trust is gone. I'm so angry he has done this. I can't believe I have gone from feeling totally secure to digging around phone bills and bank statements.

And it's a good point about there being no follow up text as the dates weren't what he wanted. Didn't think of that.

(I meant I can see he's not been there in the last few weeks) no idea about when this all started.

Sex workers use Instagram very heavily as a promotional tool. Twitter as well.

He may well have used WhatsApp once initial contact was made- this is quite common and if course untraceable unlike a text.

You may not find anything else, it’s down to you to decide if you are going to believe him or the trust has gone and it’s time to move on.

Otherwise you are going to drive yourself mad.

It’s so hard to make that choice either way as letting go of the concerns and learning to
Trust someone again is as hard as letting go.

You will need To trust your instincts a little, or have a careful conversation with him
With out getting upset. (hard I know )

A friend once told me a marvellous trick, of your partner starts laying the ownership
On you ... you said this , you looked into my
Personal details switching it on you ( which inevitably they do which gets you into unrational state due to urges to punch the person in front of you, and makes you for get what or why oh wanted to talk to him
And gets him out of explaining himself )

Switch it back on him, you chose to
Text a prostitute, you chose to
Delete messages which shows you should have had that conversation in the first place, what is it that drove you to
Do that ? Explain that you need to better understand motives to start building trust.

Because if you want to try he needs to accept responsibility and also explain what is missing or what he was thinking to do such a rotten thing... because communication was not being used by him as he gave no indication your marriage was at the point he needed sex with someone else. ( which to me is a definite I want to end this marriage by destroying it sign ) and if he didn’t go .. what stopped him?
If you understand then Maybe you can trust him again, and if you want to work with him
On it as something needs changing
In the relationship or again though if not don’t stay as your not the bad persons if you want out due to what he is done but you will be the bad person if you twist yourself into a someone your not, I remember hating myself and how I acted when in a similar situation .. it’s not nice to feel you do right now , but you do have control of it because you have choice 😊
... sit down talk use lots of you language with him ... get it out ... and decide.

Have a bag packed ready if gives great comfort to have a quick exit plan if you need to get out ASAP for a night. (
Depending on dependency of children etc )

Have a close friend on end of phone ... good luck my heart goes out to you x x

Middlrm - lots of good advice there thank you. You are right, I will drive myself mad. Even if there is nothing to find I will just convince myself I haven't found it yet.

Prizeoik - so maybe there is something in the Instagram thing. Make me sick that he might be logging in to look at her every time I go out.

Newer version - I only installed WhatsApp earlier this year when my mum went on holiday to keep in touch, and noticed he was on it now and again but no messages. I couldn't see her number in there so I assumed they couldn't contact each other without adding each other. I never use it so I don't know how it works. I had discounted that but I will keep a close eye on that now.
In the extensive reading I have been doing on this subject on mumsnet I am aware of your situation. Thank you for all the advice you have previously posted. It has helped although you didn't know you were helping me too.

Hooker is such an ugly word, surely "sex worker" is a bit nicer?

She probably doesn't enjoy it you know, she sees literally the worst of men, gets treated like an object, just because she gets paid for it doesn't mean its pleasant.

I'd have left the second i found those messages, regardless of length of marriage/relationship, i'd never be able to touch or be touched by him again.

I haven't really given a second thought to what she would like as her job title. Hooker is just the word I have always used. I don't have anything against her at all. I'm sure sleeping with men for money was not what she dreamt of doing as a child, and although her website says what she 'enjoys' doing, I don't imagine she enjoys much of it at all. It is the self entitled tests that think they have a right to buy women's bodies I have a problem with.
This isn't going to end well for me whatever I find I think. I've just described my own husband.

*self entitled twats.
Too cross to type properly!

OP - you’ve read that website and found it repulsive. You’re married to a man that in all likelihood read it and found it an attractive option. Can you live with that disparity of principles?

Mrsgaslighted, I am glad some of my posts have been helpful, as well as sad that you are in a similar position to me (well, might be but I truly hope that actually you know all there is to know about your h’s stupidity) Self entitled twats is a perfect description of men who use sex workers. I would also add deluded into that description.

A lot of me still hopes to hell this is all a big mistake and my husband is still the man I adore. I really couldn't want any more from my life and if he's fucked it all up to shag s prostitute then I don't know how I will cope. I know contacting her is enough, and I don't know if I'll ever get over it. But the thought of him actually going and shagging her kills me

Hooker is such an ugly word, surely "sex worker" is a bit nicer?

Why try and dress it up?

OP... if you contacted a man for paid sex...would your DH be ok with It?

The contact is enough. I suggest you use condoms with him and get tested.

I was cross but I'm really hurting at the thought he's actually done this and I'm at the stage after 25 years of using condoms. We've had a great weekend of family stuff. Why couldn't that be enough

Why couldn't that be enough

Because he wants more. Some people are just that way.

I know there's always a first time for everything...but this could well be a regular thing for him.

Most prostitutes have married men and those in relationships for clients. Sadly the wives are none the wider.

A lot of me still hopes to hell this is all a big mistake and my husband is still the man I adore.

Well, he's not, and you know it. That's the case whether he's slept with sex workers or not.

For your own sanity I would really try to start thinking from that angle and move on to the other part of that sentence above - the hope. The fact that on paper you have it all and now you know - KNOW - that as far as he's concerned, it's a fake.

What do you want to do?

The relationship as it was is already gone and it won't come back. You are either looking at splitting or entering a very different kind of relationship with a different man, one you didn't know before.

I think you are using 'lack of proof' as an excuse to not do anything about his vile behaviour. I would have filed for divorce by now, OP!

for you Mrs G.am so sorry for your pain.
You want absolute proof,unless you have that your dh is going to keep denying.he knows you want that proof.he is counting on you not having it and letting him stay.
So unfortunately,you have to decide if you can live with him,never knowing the truth.
Is it always going to be on your mind every time he goes out alone?(yes)
Will you wonder who he is online to(yes)
Wonder who he is texting?(yes)
Why he needed to ?(yes)
Is it my fault?(yes)..not your fault at all!!!
You are going to be exhausted with the doubts,worry and not knowing.
You have done nothing wrong,yet you are the one suffering.
For your own sanity you should seriously consider asking him to leave.
That will give you time and space to decide what you want.
I really hope that you find some peace and happiness further along.

You let him back to stay after that, Jesus, I doubt very much the first time you looked this was the first time he's used a prostitute, more like he's been doing it for years and you've caught him out.

Also the fact you've to drop it would be enough for me to have his bags packed already, he has some nerve, and a dirty sleazy git to boot, yuck.

Hi MrsGaslighted, I am not on here enough to recognise people's names; however if you have posted under this name prior to the incident described, then I don't think you need any of us to advise you on what to do.

My ex husband got caught out on adultwork due to an email address auto filling.

I still went on and married the twat.

DP has been told there is no second chances for him. I am not putting myself through that again.

I messaged her. I asked if she had any appointments, basically I just wanted the address so I can keep an eye on his car's tracker. I got what is obviously a standard reply saying she doesn't book appointments without a phone call
So wtf has gone on here?? He has only sent texts, I know this from the bill.
I'm guessing either this has gone on a lot longer than I have phone bills for, or he is on one of these horrible prostitute websites.