Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

Do you have to go to this conference? Why not pretend to go then just keep an eye on what he does when you're meant to be away?

I am although I wake up at 5 every morning. I have to work alongside him every day and I hate how he pretends to be my friend. I will be so glad to get away next week. I

Friday. I want to go to the conference. It will get me away. And i can watch his car.
Although I'm exhausted with all of this I do want to catch him

Friday - just read that again. Although I am expected to stay over it is not actually that far way. I don't know how long his appointments are, but if it's an hour the I can get back.
My fantasy is standing outside when he comes out

I'm going to bed now, I'm knackered. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. If I talk to you lot and not him it's good.
Met at 18, married at 21, son at 25, daughter at 30. My whole life, and he throws it away for a 'punt' (god how I've come to hate that word!)
Thanks again xx

MrsG, I'm really really sorry you're going through this- I'm going through something very similar, but my little darling actually slept with (at least) one, after me having confronted him and giving him another chance on two occasions. I was so convinced that it was the end, I hated him, I couldn't imagine moving on, etc etc, but now a few weeks later hate myself for having mellowed and we're currently just living in limbo. It's fucking awful. We'll get through this together!

Fab, just saw that before I went. you have to do what's best for you. I don't know up from down at the moment. But I'm
Learning fast that you can't really trust anyone. I actually thought he was the perfect husband, had my back, adored me. And so did everyone else.
I think you need to trust your instincts
X

Goodnight, MrsG. God, I hear you with the thought you had the perfect husband thing. I adored mine, was proud of who he was and of what we had. Then I felt it all crashing down on top of me. I sometimes imagine how it could be but for his bastard selfishness.

Fab, I am so sorry you are facing this too.

It's so confusing isn't it? I've just been trying not to address it in my mind as it's too painful, but that's not going to get me anywhere!

I feel like such a mug too- I genuinely believed that he would be the last one to cheat one anyone, ever. I thought he had morals- I've since learnt he basically has none and is not the man I fell in love with years ago. But god, I miss that man so much.

Prostitutes do solicit for work on social media. I had an odd Facebook friend request from a blonde woman with a (to be honest not unusually) suggestive picture whose caption said she'd like to hook up for an erotic massage with the index-finger-pointing and circled-finger-and-thumb emojis.

I was rather taken aback and didn't contact her you'd be surprised to hear. I also wondered if it was a scam but I'm not the target demographic anyway!

BUT no, I could not be with a man who used prostitutes. I see it as morally indefensible (on his part, I see why women do this for work).
The inside of a woman's body is not for sale, and in an equal society never would be. I've found out men I know have done this and instantly lost all respect for them

You really don't need any further proof, but i know there is an overwhelming desire to seek evidence out to try and make some sense of the awful situation.

My ex did the same, they admit to as little as they can get away with in the hope that will be able to keep their relationship/ comfortable home life (and no doubt then carry on once dusts settled).

I did give it another go mainly due to that crazy hysterical bonding & scary prospect of leaving. Of course he was remorseful, we did relationship counselling and while both making an effort it seemed better than before.
Ultimately though the trust is shattered and with sex workers its just so easy to arrange & keep hidden.I hated how that made me feel as i was never insecure about him cheating before. I also started to notice how much he lied in general once on high alert & it made more sense why he was getting into a mess financially.

Its not a reflection of you so don't get caught up shouldering any blame out of guilt as i did in regards to him seeking out sex elsewhere. As it involves planning there was time to consider their actions and had option to discuss any issues or end relationship but are selfish and enjoy the thrill of it all more than care about feelings. Everyone thinks my ex is a lovely guy, he's in another relationship and i'm sure he'll have same issues in future tbh.

Look after yourself

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I must say I admire your fortitude and clarity of vision.

MrsGas, I can feel your anger, it is palpable and I am sorry that this has happened.

I read through your posts, none reference your own sex life. Does he have a proclivity that you are unaware of? Is he frustrated ( are you?). Is there anything that could have prompted the contact. Have you discussed that?

Sigh.

There’s always one.

Sofa unmet “proclivities” is yet more gaslighting.

Human sexuality is diverse and wonderful. But there’s nothing in that that justifies
a) cheating
b) thinking it’s ok to use a woman as a wank rag in exchange for cash.

please don’t start suggesting MrsG’s h must have been frustrated! Poor liikkle ‘fully fucking grown adult in a computed relationship’ Nothing is an excuse for using sex workers behind your wife’s back. Nothing.

Sorry committed - not computed.

It's not ok that he is doing this but please....don't use the term 'hooker'. It implies an outdated view of sex workers, most of whom are trafficked and abused women.

Your husband is a piece of shit for even considering that it's ok to participate in this disgusting trade.

Apologies if this was covered up thread, my phone only showed the first 45 posts until after I'd posted.

Donethedancing - sorry you've had to do through this too. I did the hysterical bonding when I found that text and then believed it was the first time. Although I didn't know that was what I was doing and it was a thing.
Re sex life, I thought it was good. No droughts and I'm not a prude. I don't know if he has a liking for something that he hasn't told me about. Eww.
As for calling her a hooker, it's just a word. I haven't really given her a thought, otherwise I would torture myself that she's younger, slimmer, prettier and I'm not good enough. Trying not to think of her as an OW. I've got to remember that it's all him. He went looking for her. It's not like the poor love was innocently walking past and she ran out into the street and dragged him in by his cock!

I spent a few years with a common-or-garden philanderer so understand a bit of how you must feel. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Is there any way you can come back from the conference early and catch him out?

Please don't ever think that this is any reflection on you - it's all about him, his urges, his misplaced sense of entitlement, lack of respect and self-control, dishonesty, etc. You're just the person who had the misfortunate to get caught up in that and had to find the strength to deal with it. But you will OP.

Thank you Megan. I'm just hoping he takes his car and goes to her as it has a tracker. I hope she doesn't come here! The thought of me clearing the way for her to come to my house makes me sick!

I've told him I don't feel well and have come home. Am current downloading bank statements and scanning business docs. Makes me feel like I'm doing something rather than sit around waiting to be shit on

I think he's going to lie low and be careful for a while, he'll be likely to stay away as he knows you're onto him.

I would just end it. Like I said before, he at least looked to cheat, i don't know about you, but that would be enough for me.

MrsG, hope you are ok, when is your conference? Are the kids staying at home? If my h was anything to go by he had his sordid appointments either during the day or as soon as he finished work- even on our wedding anniversary (finding the evidence of that one hurt me more than I have ever been hurt by anything). I guess if your h is going to do it then it would be at a time of day he could cover up to other people so if teens at home in evening maybe not then? I am holding out hope that your h is not like mine and has knocked himself into touch by that one arrangement which he may well not have kept. I so hope so.

I doubt he’ll do anything again, or for a long time at least as he knows you are on to him

On your anniversary. Wow.
I think you may all be right that he will stay away. I don't know if he will take the risk. Although I'm sure he was going to go on the day my meeting was cancelled, and that would have been taking a gigantic risk
I guess they get addicted to it. God knows how long it has been going on. But I can't be sure it has, and that's what is doing my head in.
I've read too many posts on here where they have been caught the first time to believe that though. Or there's lots of unlucky men out there.