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Original poster

Husband and prostitute

539 replies

MrsGaslighted · 03/06/2018 02:06

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 07:47

Karmastar - that's exactly how it is

Grand theft walrus - sorry to hear that. Was it prostitutes? Can you book them through this site? The lack of a phone call here has thrown me.

At least I know I'm not going mental

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k567 · 05/06/2018 08:39

Could he have phoned her from a different phone? Either way I think the damage is already done from that moment he decided he was thinking about using a sex worker

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 08:41

Looking back through posts for 'ducks in a row' advice. I'm stupid for trying to believe this didn't happen. Bastard.

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hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2018 09:06

or he's a bloody good liar
He is indeed.
You know he's been doing this for years.
So what is your next move?
I never think infidelity is a LTB situation (except for with me when it's a total deal-breaker) unless it's prostitutes / sex workers.
Total and utter NO NO!!

Frosty66612 · 05/06/2018 09:11

Bookings can be made through the sites like Adultwork and the escorts often prefer this as they can see the clients’ feedbacks from other escorts when they email to book.
They also display their numbers for clients to contact them that way instead, but a lot of them don’t like to accept bookings unless they speak to them on the phone first as they aren’t able to see their feedback through adultwork. Hope that makes sense. I had an ex who was using them a few years ago and it destroyed our relationship.

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 09:15

Hellsbellsmelons - yours is another name I recognise from reading other posts. You always talk a lot of sense. Yes this a deal breaker for me. I'm just sitting at my desk at work watching him outside and I feel numb. It's not like he has fallen for someone else, he made a calculated decision to cheat on me, looked someone up and contacted them. I have to assume he went through with it due to all the lies and cover ups.

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Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 09:19

Thank you frosty, good to get an understanding of how all this works. Sorry you have been through it too. I just feel sick. I think he has separated this from real life, I thought me finding the text and making his 2 worlds collide would have been enough of a wake up call. Clearly not.

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Frosty66612 · 05/06/2018 09:24

If he was texting her and she wasn’t asking for a phone call, it makes me think he’s either been talking to her via adultwork on the email system already and he has feedback from others that makes her think he’s trustworthy enough. Or he’s seen her before so she’s happy to just communicate via text with him for future bookings.
Either way it’s pretty horrendous. There are hundreds of thousands of escorts in the British section of adultwork and they all must make
A decent living from it. Makes me sick to think that the majority of their business will be from married men whose wives have zero clue about what they are up to.

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 09:37

I thinks it's probably been going on a while. One time has just struck me like a lightning bolt from a year so so ago. He came home one evening from giving a customer a quote and hugged me. I actually commented that he smelled really clean (he normally does but just different). He said he had a shower before he went out. I thought it was odd as he religiously has a shower in the morning, and remember thinking that he didn't smell like our shower gel.
I guess small things like that are going to fall into place now.

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Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 09:46

Frosty - yes it is sickening. I wouldn't have had a clue if I didn't find that text. I'm still looking at him outside and struggling to comprehend him doing this.

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Frosty66612 · 05/06/2018 09:50

My ex was also someone i’d Never have thought in a billion years would do it either. We seemed really happy together and had a very active sex life. He was romantic and affectionate towards me and we never argued. All my friends and family loved him and thought he was such a genuinely lovely guy. He had slept with about 12 escorts behind my back and spent over £2000. I spoke to him again about it a few years after I left him and he finally admitted that he just enjoyed sex with a variety of different attractive women and he really struggled with monogamy.
I don’t know why these men don’t just stay single if they want to carry on like that. It can ruin lives

Ohyesiam · 05/06/2018 10:04

Well I’d assume that he had previously contacted by phone, and the text was a follow up. Which could mean he’d booked previous appointments wit her.
Sorry opFlowers

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 10:07

12 of them? I hadn't considered more than this one really.
Just trying to figure out what to do. He denied everything so convincingly that I seriously questioned my sanity and mental health, hence the username (well that and everything else I tried was taken!)

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Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 10:09

Ohyesiam - il coming to that conclusion too.

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Frosty66612 · 05/06/2018 10:11

They will do everything In their power to make out your are the mental, paranoid one as they have far too much to lose if they admit everything and you divorce him.
Mine only admitted everything when I booked him in for a lie detector test. It was going to be pricey but luckily he admitted that morning and we cancelled it.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2018 10:12

I know it's probably not on your mind right now but please do get to your local GUM or SHAW clinic and get checked for STD's

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 10:18

Now that is a good idea. Very sad that you had to go to such extreme measures, and sad I'm at the same point.

Yes I guess I'll have to get tested. That makes it all seem very real

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HollowTalk · 05/06/2018 10:18

I have been through something similar but with him having an OW rather than going to prostitutes. You are right - lots and lots of things will fall into place now and I have to warn you, it's really horrible. Your life as you knew it isn't real - that incident with the shower will play out again and again. Having said that, better to know your own past than to think you do.

People are crazy to think a prostitute will tell a wife that she's slept with her husband. The husband knows the address and the prostitute stands a high risk of being attacked.

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 10:24

Hollowtalk - it is going to be horrible. 25 years and it ends like this. They are idiots.

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HollowTalk · 05/06/2018 11:00

Yes, it was about the same length of time for me.

I wonder whether your husband's excuse is going to be that "at least I didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't fall in love with anyone. You should be grateful!"

Whatever happens, when he does finally admit something has happened, then don't forget he'll be minimising. You will never know everything and there'll come a point where you have to accept that. (I found things out literally years after my ex husband left.)

Is there any way you can link his activities to money taken out of cash machines?

HollowTalk · 05/06/2018 11:04

It's interesting that you "knew" on one level, a year ago, when he came home smelling of different shower gel. It shows the level of trust that you had in him that you accepted his word, though the evidence was actually against him. For instance the shower cubicle/bath would have been dry if the last time either of you had showered was in the morning, yet you didn't go and check. You didn't think of it; you trusted him completely.

And yet that incident has stayed at the back of your mind. I wouldn't be surprised if other things came to mind now. I found I would wake in the night, remembering something that suddenly made sense.

Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 11:11

I think my problem will be that he won't admit to a single thing.
I looked at the bank statement but it's not really helpful, no big withdrawals and no patterns of frequent smaller ones. But then I guess he could get cash back without it showing up.
I'm going to take a couple of weeks to get things in order before I say anything. My youngest is going her GCSEs at the moment so don't want any disruption

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Original poster
MrsGaslighted · 05/06/2018 11:12

Yes I trusted him totally.

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Mrsramsayscat · 05/06/2018 11:19

MrsG I just wanted to chip in to say I think it is a good idea to give yourself a couple of weeks to think and plan.

Also you know that you don't need proof, even to yourself? The thing is, you need to lay out all the facts and realisations you've had and make an assessment of what YOU believe. His denials are irrelevant, and inevitable anyway.

It might be helpful to think about what you'd advise a friend or relative in this situation.

Grumpybearblue · 05/06/2018 11:38

Have you asked him why he was going to see a prostitute. I know he denied actually going through with it but what's his reason for looking into it.

If you've got your own business I imagine he can get cash pretty easily to pay for her. He could have called her through WhatsApp.

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