A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

I have been in that situation for so long it would be laughable if it wasn't true. Not easy and people start to think it's not happening. Be strong and look forward to the rest of your life!

Just don't be tempted to park his Land cruiser in the local pond like I was. It can get very tempting

Moans from today (I suspect this thread will build up a wonderful picture of ex’s character):

1. I take DS2 for a snowboarding lesson on Saturday mornings (I book it, organise everything and drive there). DS loves it and had been going on about it for months before I booked him lessons. Ex insists on tagging along, but clearly hates going because it’s freezing and you can’t watch the lesson unless you’re outside. So ex’s agenda is to manipulate a situation that stops the lessons.

Last week ex kept going in about how DS2 doesn’t like snowboarding because he kept falling. This isn’t in any way true. DS2 talks about his snowboarding lessons all week and keeps saying he wants to be an Olympic snowboarder.

This week the weather was even more grim. DS2 was finding toe edge difficult, so Ex started going on about his he isn’t making any progress (he very clearly is, but learning things takes time). Then he started asking me in an accusing tone if DS actually likes snowboarding. He wants to imply that I’m forcing him to do it, but I’m not. I’m just willing to put myself out for DS’s interests. Unlike ex, who likes to pretend he’s super-dad but it’s all fur coat and no knickers.

I did explain that there is no obligation for ex to come along (and make the experience of hanging around the dry slope centre in the snow worse for me). But he always insists on being there - I think because he doesn’t want me to have anything I do with DS (ex’s jealousy and thwarting of this sort of thing is a common theme).

So I’m the car on the way back Ex asked me if you could have two people in the lesson. Now he wants to learn to snowboard with DS2 (so it’ll be ‘their thing’). He’s such a complete arsehole. I said that I’d be joining the lessons too if that’s the case.

I think I actually hate ex.

Just don't be tempted to park his Land cruiser in the local pond like I was. It can get very tempting

I don’t think it will get tempting. I’d rather crawl over broken glass than let him touch me ever again (due to sexual abuse).

Moan 2 from today:

Ex engineered an argument at DS2’s bedtime tonight. He’s annoyed because I’ve been insisting that I spend time reading with/to DS before bed. Previously he’s sulked and been an arse to ensure he gets all the nice with DS2 time to himself (while I get the fun that is making dinner, homework, piano practice, listening to DS2 read, administering medication, tooth brushing, and so on). So he’s not happy that I’m now asserting myself.

So he engineered an argument about whether DS2 believes in Santa (its bloody March!) and, as usual, tried to force me to make decision about whether to ‘tell DS2 the truth’ so that he can criticise me about it. I have told him to just do whatever he likes and it doesn’t matter what I think. But apparently that’s ‘not a solution’ and two people should be able to have a conversation (well, we’re splitting up because that’s never been possible as he’s an arse). I ended up telling him that he should do what he likes and I’ll just think he’s an arsehole anyway (mostly as he was pulling his ‘implying I’m a crap mother who doesn’t care about her kids’ thing).

It’s petty and unconstructive. But I have now determined to stop trying to appease him. He has purposefully engineered a conversation about Santa with an 8 year old in March just so he can have a go at me. DS2 was talking about the book he’s reading, ant-man and snowboarding 5 minutes before all this, so it definitely came from ex.

@Sally2971 I’m sorry you’ve been stuck in this limbo for a long time. It really does suck.

My current tactic is to (try to) remind myself that I will have my own house in a few months and he won’t be in it. That helps when he’s being horrible (which is pretty much always). The atmosphere is SO much better when ex isn’t here.

Oh he sounds knobby UU

Sorry to hear about the abuse

I count myself lucky that stbxh moved on sharpish but I’m afraid he’s another one suddenly showing a hitherto dormant interest in DSs activities

You might be lucky and have karma deliver a few broken bones? Maybe some traction?

He sounds like a cunt not an arsehole! i hope you aren't cooking his dinner and still doing stuff for him cos I sure as hell wouldn't if he's starting arguments. Don't be drawn in just walk away and leave him to it your children will soon see exactly what their father is like soon enough! took me a only a few years after my parents split up and divorced to see exactly what sort of dad I had and I soon told my mum I don't want nothing to do with him and 20 years later haven't been tempted total waste of space

Is it just him that gets to see a solicitor? He might find he regrets it if you see one too.

I’ve decided to start calling him ex rather than P. It helps me not get drawn into his crap.

The solicitors who did our wills (which he was very nasty about at the time) phoned him today to ask if they needed updating. So the arsehole asked me (accusingly) 3 times if I had changed my will recently. By the third time I was very short with him (apparently I’m really horrible because you’re supposed to happily keep answering the same question over and over again, especially when it’s asked in an accusatory tone). So now I’m considering changing my will before the house sells, rather than while I’m buying a new one.

@UnimaginativeUsername

Tell him it's none of his business whether you have or haven't and its up to him if he wants to change his. Sounds to me like you should just take your kids and go rather than live in this atmosphere because its not very healthy for your children. Could you not stay with family or friends whilst the house sells and you look for another place? you don't even have to tell your just pack up your stuff when he's out and get your family and friends to come round and help you move your stuff out

He sounds like a cunt not an arsehole!

He’s not good enough to be called a cunt.

DS1 (from a previous relationship) hates ex. Because ex is a shit.

DS2 loves his father but I think he’s aware of how difficult he is. DS2 definitely feels overly criticised by ex (he is - we all are). And he gets very upset by his father’s tendency to insist that he knows what you’re thinking (he’s never right).

In fact, last night while we were reading a book about a fantasy land DS2 said that he wished that he could take DS1 and me and go to live in that world. He very purposefully left his father out.

Sounds to me like you should just take your kids and go rather than live in this atmosphere because its not very healthy for your children. Could you not stay with family or friends whilst the house sells and you look for another place?

I can’t. I’d have to pay half the mortgage on this house and I can’t afford that and rent on top. My family all live hours away (his so too, so it’s not like I can persuade him to stay with his parents).

So I’m making the best of it for the children until we have our own place. Hopefully the house will sell fast. Ex insisted that we put in a lovely new kitchen and downstairs loo recently so that should help sell it (although we’ll lose money - but I do not care).

That’s actually why I thought this thread might be useful. I can keep things quiet and stable at home and moan on here.

Luckily this house is quite big, so I can avoid ex for the most part.

@UnimaginativeUser LOL fair enough

Well that says it all really then what DS2 thinks of his father if he left him out and don't be surprised if he gets worse he sounds like a control freak as well people like that all criticise and blame everyone else and they hate it when people see through them and he's probably aware you now see him clearly for what he is so he's trying the I'm the good parent you're the bad one routine it won't last my bio dad did that too said yes to everything poured his poison in mine and siblings ears and it backfired badly on him because none of us have happy memories of him and all of us cut him out of our lives. Are you able to leave and stay with family and friends?

Ah ok just seen your moving out posts. Can you try and get legal advice about still paying the mortgage if you leave? my mum did this when she left she tried to get her name taken off the mortgage so no one would come after her because she knew bio dad sure as hell wouldn't pay it they said she couldn't but as she informed them that she left and wasn't living there etc etc they never did come after her and low and behold bio dad lost the house i suppose the down side is you wouldn't get money out of the sale if you left and he didn't pay.

Also sounds like the new kitchen idea is just to keep you with him I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to sabotage the sale so be careful :)

The good news is that he’s finished striking for now (he’s a university lecturer in one of the striking universities) so he’ll be at work.

I’ve been off work with stress since December but I haven’t told him (because that would lead to recrimination and more stress). The utterly hilarious thing is that he hasn’t noticed that I haven’t been to work or talked about work in months. That’s how utterly self centred he is.

Also sounds like the new kitchen idea is just to keep you with him I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to sabotage the sale so be careful

No. I think it’s quite the opposite. He put me through all the stress of choosing a kitchen (with him involved that’s incredibly stressful) and then having it fitted. But I’m pretty certain that he did this in the complete knowledge that he was going to say he wanted to separate.

It was his idea. And initially I was so downtrodden that I was upset. But antidepressants, therapy and time have absolutely brought me round to the idea of my new life without him.

I think he’s met someone else tbh. He’s been going out loads (he never did before because he’s an antisocial bastard) and getting loads of messages on his phone. So I assume he’s pretending to some poor woman that he’s a decent human being and in any way fun to be around. Neither of these are true.

I won’t be able to leave and not pay the mortgage. He earns about the same as me, and can’t take over the mortgage on his own. He’d never be able to buy me out. So I am stuck in this situation for financial reasons.

But hopefully it will be very temporary.

Oh god I bet he loves his job he gets to stand up and have his every word listened to and people seeking him out for course advice etc as for not noticing you at work why bother telling him its none of his business. Just because I'm a bit of a spiteful bitch if it was me in you situation I would be doing all kinds of devious stuff to him for my own amusement but hey thats me I once read in a magazine this woman caught her oh cheating so she rubbed chilli peppers in his boxers that made him come out in suspicious looking rash I know I'm evil but thought I'd give you a laugh

Yeah these types somehow always manage to make people feel sorry for them the poor other woman (if he has one) has no idea what she's taking on any luck she will kick him to the curb when sees what he is. I bet he's a massive drama queen starts it then lays the blame on you

Stay strong. You can do this and absolutely do not let him gate crash the snowboarding lessons

absolutely do not let him gate crash the snowboarding lessons

I most certainly will not. I’m paying for them!

Hold on he actually crashes the snowboarding lessons and is trying to start them himself and you pay for it! cheeky fucker