A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

Take the easy route, do things like pretend to choose which estate agent you want to use, then argue a bit when he says he wants a different one, then agree he’s right. 5 minutes job done. Play smart.

There is no choosing and arguing a bit with him. Not unless I want to spend 2 hours being argued with and character assassinated. So I was initially trying to avoid the ‘discussion’ entirely.

You’d think he’d be pleased to be told to chose whichever agent and price he wants, rather than having to negotiate with me. I don’t care. As long as he sells it for something that covers the mortgage (he definitely will) I don’t care. I don’t care if it sells for less than we bought it for. I’ll just sign the paperwork when required.

There should be £150k minimum equity in the house, but I’m tempted to tell him that he can buy me out for £40k as that’ll give me enough for a decent deposit on an ok house. He can have the car, all the furniture, any of the other things we own. Sadly I don’t think he can get a mortgage for £40k more than the current one, which thwarts my plan to just walk away.

I haven’t applied for the job yet. The deadline isn’t until mid-April. It’s likely to be the only job in my field in my hometown that comes up for ages so I may as well give it a go.

Actually last night appears to have improved things for me a bit. He’s totally avoiding me, which means that he isn’t coming into my room and he’s also walking to the train station to get to work. Usually he decides to tag along on the school run and asks me to drop him at a station. So hopefully he’ll stop thinking it’s ok to barge in on my weekend activities.

DS1 (17) heard that I was arguing with ex (luckily he didn’t hear the ‘you raped me multiple times’ bit) so he came to check I was ok and give me a hug. He really is a lovely boy. We talked about how sorry I am that I’ve inflicted ex on him for a decade and how it’ll be so much better when we have our own place.

Hi UU, can I jump in too? I'm in the same situation as you and my to-be-ex sounds hauntingly like yours. It's been about 6 months of living together after I got the guts to say I wanted to separate but he MAY be completing this Friday on a house he is supposed to be moving into, and MAY move out over the Easter hols. I am on tenterhooks about the whole thing falling through and desperate for him to GET OUT of the house.

He told me recently that last Autumn when I initiated the separation and started sleeping on the air mattress in the spare room, he used to come in my room and let air out of the mattress while I was at work during the day. Hoping I would get too uncomfortable and return to the marital bed (which I didn't want to share any longer due to sexual abuse). FFS you creep!!

Definitely give the job a go--it's always good practice to apply for jobs!

Good luck with everything.

@CousinKrispy I really hope that he does complete and move. How wonderful for the end to be in sight. And how utterly petty about the mattress. I would imagine that your life will improve immensely the minute you’ve got your house to yourself.

The whole thing is sad but I swear I will do a dance of joy the day he moves out.

Hope yours keeps avoiding you--it is more pleasant than the alternatives. The separation is so agonizingly slow when there is this stuff around housing to work out and it's such a shit situation to be in when you don't have family nearby to move in with temporarily.

Yes. It is really hard when you’ve no local support. If we were in my hometown, I would just have taken the kids and moved in with my mum until it was all sorted.

But the dance of joy has to be coming closer every day.

This morning I’ve sent ex two emails one proposing how we split the equity in the house and the other how we properly split the finances. Both involve me paying more/getting less because I’ve decided I’m fed up with his martyred argument about how he’s spent 10 years financially supporting DS1, etc, etc. No he bloody hasn’t.

For 8 of those 10 years I earned more than him and DS1’s dad pays a considerable amount of maintenance each month. For at least 8 years I contributed in excess of £1000 more than him every month and not once have I claimed to have been subsidising his lifestyle or supporting him. I am paid less than him now (even more so since the childcare vouchers have always come out of my salary, not his) but I still contribute more every month because of the maintenance I get for DS1.

I’m never pooling finances with anyone ever again. I will buy myself a house and pay off my own mortgage, and from now on I will always be 100% financially independent.

@UnimaginativeUser wow he sounds like a nasty piece of work! As for raping you I doubt he will ever admit that because people like him have this sick perception that as it was their oh its not rape yes these men really think this way. Get a lock fitted on your bedroom door to stop him going in your room whether you're there or not! And once you are free of him get someone to act as a go between for you if he wants to see DS2 a friend or family member that way you don't have to see him. Have you thought of getting an injunction against him once you're away from him?

Oh I’m absolutely certain that he does not believe he raped me. He appears to genuinely think that he always asked me if it was ok. He didn’t. But I’ll never convince him otherwise. Just as he doesn’t believe that he’s controlling and has often been financially abusive.

The thing is, he’s very plausible and I’m certain no one he knows would believe me if I said anything about it. Well, except my mum (but I don’t want to tell her) and DS1 would definitely believe me (but it’s really not something he needs to know). If you met him you’d think he was a nice guy.

In fact, he’s so good at it that he has managed to make me doubt my own experiences many times over the years. But I’m not misremembering or lying. A man clearly knows he doesn’t have consent for sex when someone says ‘I don’t want to have sex’ and clamps their legs together. Even if they give in an agree to a back rub - but he ‘just gets too excited’ apparently. And it is really hard to push them away or stop them when you know that you’ll just be punished with sulking and nastiness (for days) if you do so. Men who aren’t rapists do not have sex with women who are crying or wincing.

I’m not planning on getting an injunction. I couldn’t face the legal process involved and I’m sure he wants to move on anyway. He’s probably interested in some poor woman.

@UnimaginativeUser It's always the nicest and most charming ones that are the worst abusers I believe you 100% from the sounds of things he's gas lighted you for years as well. These cunts never change once they finally realise they have lost control of one partner they move onto another. The reason I suggested an injunction when you leave is because (and I don't wanna scare you) they often lose their shit when their partner leaves and is no longer jumping when they say so and start harassing their ex. Hopefully he will just f off and leave you alone but be prepared for it if he don't.

I do really think he will just leave me alone. He’ll find someone else that seems confident and capable and go about ‘improving’ them, curing them of the ‘arrogant’ ways and isolating them from everyone. All with their best interests in mind, of course.

Hopefully he does just let you go and move on but whilst you're there he's gonna be driving you insane I honestly don't know how you stay so calm I think I would've lost it and gone crazy a long time ago x

Good luck UU. It all sounds very familiar but you will be free of it (or at least not having to live with it) soon!!

Yes. Don’t let him slow you down. There will be other lovely houses once you’ve made sure this one is sold. But urgh at having to stay in limbo longer.

All has been quiet here. He made his own dinner because I fed the kids and I hot dogs with salad and fruit. He doesn’t eat hot dogs or fruit (which may have contributed to my choice of quick dinner). He made himself ... scrambled eggs on toast. It appears to be the only thing he can actually cook.

He’s responded to my emails. Apparently he thinks anything less than 50/50 on the equity is unfair, as would me paying more for the bills until we sell. I suspect it’s more that he doesn’t want to tell his parents that he paid less/took a bigger share as they’d be distinctly unimpressed with him. He’s all about appearances so he almost certainly wants to take all the money and run but realises he’ll look like a complete arse to the world for doing so.

And I didn’t have to have a conversation with him about it. I think I’ll only communicate with him by email from now on, even if he does use the most officious tone ever.

I’ve applied for the job. I’m also considering whether to change careers and apply for teacher training (‘don’t do it’, shout all the MN teachers). It would give me more flexibility about moving jobs as there are schools everywhere but universities are fewer are further between. But I have ages to think about that as it wouldn’t be until 2019. Teaching does pay quite a lot less than I currently earn though, unless I can get myself promoted reasonably quickly.

Maybe you could line up the EA, with valuations etc, and then present the whole divorce and selling house all at the same time. Saves you having to have two conversations about it.

Ex is not here today. He left before anyone got up to go down to London. It was so nice to wake up, get everyone ready and leave without him in the house. He’ll be back later, alas. But we’re going to have a nice relaxed dinner without him.

UU You are a fantastic writer, really brilliant. If you haven't already started I think you should write a book.

Your DSs sound lovely, and I hope your house is sold asap.

I don’t think there’s any danger of me writing a book any time soon.

Well just keep writing anyway... It's great therapy and you never know where it might lead

It is definitely therapeutic.

Ex has (finally) moved his clothes etc into the wardrobe in the spare room. So now he has absolutely no reason to ever need to be in my bedroom. I feel quite relieved about it.

I’ve also realised how much I absolutely adore having the whole bed to myself. I can sleep so much better than I ever did, and can take up as much space as I want. It’s glorious. The bed also feels cleaner and fresher for only having me in it.

Today ex arranged for his chosen EA to come round to take photos. You’d presume that would mean he’d clean and tidy the house to ‘we’re trying to sell this standard’. But no. When I came home after the photographer had been, I noted that he hadn’t bloody hoovered and DS2’s bed wasn’t even made. The most presentable room in the house was my room, which I tidied before I left the house this morning.

I dread to think what the photos will look like. But, since I have delegated all house selling activities to ex, I’m leaving him to it. When he discovers that the photos are shit, maybe he’ll decide to up his game.

I’m refusing to take over and do it for him. I suspect he’s probably doing it badly in the hope that I’ll take over cleaning, presenting the house and probably doing the viewings too. I won’t.

@UnimaginativeUsername how you do you not start every word with that c u next tuesday? seriously you're always so polite on here how do you do it? if it was me every sentence would have a derogatory name in it

Haha.

I have honed my skills in biting my tongue and speaking in euphemisms through more than a decade of writing feedback on student essays. I’m a master at presenting ‘this is shit because you clearly didn’t attend any classes, never mind read anything’ as a supportive comment.

Lmao no wonder cos if i lived with someone as bad as your ex my god I'd be tasting blood from biting my tongue! has he stayed out of your way today?