A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

@iwantanewusername Yes. Please do join it. Anyone in a similar situation is absolutely welcome to moan here as much as they like.

It sounds tough with the hoarding. One of my friend’s husband has issues with hoarding and I know she finds it very hard going. She’s far more patient about it than I ever could be. Do you think the hoarding is making the house difficult to sell?

Ex is the opposite of a hoarder. He’ll throw anything and everything away. He’s got OCD (actual diagnosed OCD, but he refuses any treatment because he won’t accept that it’s an issue) which manifests in having to be totally in control of his living environment and checking everything all the bloody time. So our house tends to be much tidier than it would be if I were left to my own devices. I’d rather not live with someone who acts like it’s the end of the world if someone gets muddy footprints on the tiled kitchen floor though. You’d think mopping it was some incredibly arduous task.

Hows your day been @UnimaginativeUser? has he been a prick again or is he keeping out your way?

I haven’t really seen much of him today, which is good. He tried to make a request about how I should cook a burger for him for dinner tonight but I just gave him a look and pointed out that I was making burgers for me and the boys. He was welcome to the extra burger but he’d get it the way it was cooked, not to his own specification. Otherwise he could make his own dinner.

Honestly you’d think he’d just be grateful that I’m nice enough to let him have some of what I’m cooking. But he’s so lacking in awareness that he thinks it’s appropriate to make requests.

@Ariesgirl1988 I think being a prick is his default position.

That’s really shit @shitwithsugaron. Toddlers are contrary things even under perfect circumstances and sulking about it is clearly not going to help anyone. Father’s are supposed to be more mature than their toddlers!

I wish autocorrect would stop sticking apostrophes in where they’re not wanted.

@UnimaginativeUser

Like I said before you're nicer than me I wouldn't make him no dinner or if I did I would freak him out saying "go on...eat it" Evil Grin

@shitwithsuagron Wow your ex sounds like an immature arsehole! She's 2 and at that age they tend be a bit clingy especially if they feel unsettled

Ex is the most petty and pathetic man in the world. I think.

Last night I forgot to put the dishwasher on. It was Wednesday so DS1 (who usually does this) was going to Beavers (he’s a young leader, not a beaver). We have just enough time for me to cook dinner and him to scarf in down before I need to drive him to Beavers.

Ex just leaves it all because ‘it’s DS1’s job’ and in his utterly rigid mind (unless it applies to stuff he should be doing) that means no one else should ever touch the dishwasher. Apparently it would be ridiculous for ex to have to clear up the kitchen after someone made him dinner and, instead, DS1 should do it after he walks home from Beavers. Or, as generally happens, I do it in between dropping DS1 at Beavers and taking DS2 to swimming. But I couldn’t be bothered last night and needed to take DS2 on a detour via sports direct for new trunks do didn’t really have time.

So the dishwasher didn’t go on last night. I remembered and put it in while I was cooking dinner tonight. It was still running when DS1 tidied up after dinner (ex just left the room because clearing up is not his responsibility ever - he’ll even leave dishes he’s used at lunchtime on the side for DS1 rather than clean up his own mess), so DS1 piled the plates up next to the sink and wiped down the surfaces.

Ex just finished pretending to be super dad and came in to my room to ‘ask’ me (in his favourite ‘pretending to be reasonable but actually being resentful, aggressive and nasty’ tone) if DS1 was going to empty and reload the dishwasher tonight. This is because (1) he doesn’t like mess due to the OCD he won’t treat and (2) he’s got an EA coming round tomorrow and doesn’t want to have to clean the kitchen.

Honestly, we’ve had this kitchen since October and I could count the times he has so much as wiped a surface in it on one hand. He’s managed to delegate much of ‘his’ jobs to DS1 (clearing up after dinner, hoovering, gardening and DS1 does his own laundry). So all he needs to do is a couple of loads of laundry on a Saturday (which you’d think was mammoth task for all the fuss he makes) and to take the bins out once a week. Yet, somehow, I quite often end up doing laundry (for me and DS2 - not ex!!) and taking the bins out because they need to be done. But he couldn’t possibly put the fucking dishwasher in because ‘it’s not his job’*.

Did I mention that I hate him? Because I really do.

I’m not sorting the dishwasher. Nor am I going upstairs and tellling DS1 to do it. The arsehole can do it in himself the morning. I haven’t told him this because he’ll just argue and be nasty. I’ll let it be a lovely surprise for him as I go out the door with DS2 in the morning.

I hate him even more today. After I’d gone to bed and was asleep he stormed into my bedroom (which used to be our bedroom, but he’s been sleeping in the spare room) and complained that the tumble drier had woken him up. He announced that I could sleep in the spare room if I liked and got into the bed! Rather than having a fight I just got up and went to the spare room and went to sleep. The slight white noise of the dryer was no problem. Also of relevance is that ex used to insist on playing white noise through an app all night in our bedroom because he has tinnitus and he said it helped him sleep.

DS1 was doing his washing and can do no right as far as ex is concerned. If he’d left it in the washing machine til the morning, ex would have complained. And yet he complains if he puts it in the dryer too.

So I’m very glad indeed that I left the stuff in the kitchen for him to have to clean this morning. The boys and I all left before he went into the kitchen to notice it.

I’m not sure either. I don’t think you’re liable for his debts. But I’ve never gotten divorced so I have no idea.

Good on you for getting in to see a solicitor first.

I’ve just applied for a credit card. I’ve never had one before. They’ve accepted it and given me a stupidly high credit limit. No wonder people end up in horrible debt when banks are so keen to hand out tonnes of credit.

I would imagine that was his intention. He’s going to be very disappointed to learn that his debts are his own.

The APR on my new credit card is alright. As these things go. I only really got one because 1. Ex is unhappy about it and 2. I’m going to New York with DS2 and I thought it would be a good thing to have just in case.

How did he react tot he dishwasher? And how did the valuation go?

I have no idea how it went. He hasn’t said anything to me today beyond saying that he has a sore stomach several times. I think he’s been fishing for sympathy/hoping I’ll ask about his bowels. Obviously I don’t care or want to know about his bowels.

He might tell me after DS2 has gone to bed. Because he’s insisting that selling the house has to be a secret (except I told DS1). I’m not sure I care. Two other valuations were £395k and £400k, so this one was probably similar. I don’t really care which EA he chooses to go with, so long as the sell the place.

Maybe the slightly sore stomach has faded the memory of having to load the dishwasher this morning. He probably stewed about it for much of the day!

@ UnimaginativeUser and @Shitwithsugaron no offence but your exes sound like a pair of cunts! Me being me I would do little things to drive them mad i.e the dishwasher situation @UnimaginativeUser get a lock on your bedroom door stop him coming in cheeky bastard he probs wanted more than sleep

@shitwithsugaron That’s great about having come to a settlement agreement and having found a house you’d like to live in. Hopefully you’ll be entitled to help with the rent. Hopefully your house will sell quickly and you can get on with your life.

@Ariesgirl1988 No offence taken. Ex is a total shit. Our decade together is the result of me trusting to hope rather than experience.

Yesterday DS2 had a martial arts grading so ex wanted to come with us. While driving there he kept going on about how he had these scratches on his finger. I wasn’t interested or sympathetic. Eventually I had to ask him if he was trying to accuse me of something because I most definite hadn’t touched him and have no desire to do so.

He offered to drive on the way back but (as ever) would take no responsibility for deciding on the route. He got annoyed at me because he missed a turning that would have allowed us to avoid bad traffic. I very politely pointed out that deciding which way to go is part of driving and I shouldn’t have to direct him everywhere/be held responsible if the route has bad traffic.

That’s classic ex though, he pretends he’s doing me a favour by driving (or something) but I still have to do all the thinking for him. The thing that drives me mad is when he goes to sleep on long journeys while I drive but expects me to stay alert so that I can navigate and pass him food/drinks on demand. And also his demands that I make conversation with him so that he stays awake - but even then he’s not willing to think of something to talk about. Once he got annoyed at me because I wasn’t paying attention and he missed the turn off from the motorway (on a journey we’ve done loads of times).

Looking back I have no idea why I’ve been putting up with this shit for so long.

@Shitwithsuagron good for you that you've found a house hopefully you can claim something while it sells.

@UnimaginativeUser Poor you he sounds like a spoilt child. if you wanna amuse yourself put some itching powder in his underwear and clothes and if its your car don't let him drive it your car your rules. Have the EA been showing the house to people looking to buy?

Well tonight has been horrendous. Ex got out his EA paperwork and asked me to come downstairs to discuss it. I basically told him that I don’t care which EA he chooses or what price he puts it on at. Honestly, if I didn’t need to house myself and the kids, I’d just sign the whole bloody thing over to him tomorrow and walk away to start again.

He started going on about how ‘he’s happy to do all the work bit it’s my responsibility to discuss it all with him as I own half the house’ (see above for how much I care about owning the house). And it all went downhill from there.

Essentially it ended up with a discuss where he utterly refuses to accept that he has raped me multiple times and also that he pushed me while I was pregnant, among other things. Apparently my ‘lies are out of control’ and I’ve twisted everything to make him the bad guy. So I walked away - after telling him not to come near me (he has a habit of physically blocking me from leaving rooms). The bastard is a fucking rapist and it’s a crime, whether he wants to admit it or not. (I’m not going to the police though because I really could not cope with any of that and it would never go anywhere since it’s my word against his - and he’s a very good actor).

I absolutely wish that I’d left him while I was pregnant, moved back to my hometown. If I could go back that is what I would do.

@shitwithsugaron: yes. It will be an adventure. You’re definitely better off without him.

Right now I am absolutely planning on being single til the end of my days from this point on. I have no interest whatsoever in having another relationship. Maybe I’ll feel differently in the future but I will be so much better off on my own.

It’s a wonder you haven’t smothered him in his sleep! What a twat.

Stop letting him tag along to stuff, just say no.

Try not to let things escalate & don’t go back down the ‘you did x’ route. None of it will get you anywhere. Take the easy route, do things like pretend to choose which estate agent you want to use, then argue a bit when he says he wants a different one, then agree he’s right. 5 minutes job done. Play smart.

Decide which bedroom you are having and tell him he is not to come in, at all.

Did you apply for the job? I think you should keep applying for stuff in your old home town. You & the boys will be happier. DS didn’t want him in his fantasy place, says it all really.