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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:
AugustMoon · 17/02/2018 20:25

Let him go to Spain and get on with your life without him

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2018 20:51

You managed without him before. You'll manage again.

Is he going to Spain to get away from his responsibilities to his DD?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 21:26

@Nanny0gg

I don't think so. It's something he's always wanted to do. He said he will see her once a month

OP posts:
DeniseBest · 17/02/2018 21:33

So let me get this right...
He goes to Spain alone, you and DD join him at a later date, HE tells you to come home if HE doesn't like you being there?
What if you and DD settle nicely there and you enjoy it? Does he still get to tell you to come back to the UK? What's the time frame for this?

I think this bloke has already decided you and DD will be an inconvenience to him in Spain and you will sent packing soon enough.

Let him go by himself and don't put yourself or DD through the stress or expense of moving.
You'll do just fine by yourself. He sounds like an immature, selfish arse OP. You and DD deserve better.

Grunkle · 17/02/2018 21:37

Op. You do not need this man. Being scared doesn't mean you should cling to him. This is actually a wonderful opportunity for you to get shut of him, he sounds horrible

PrimalLady · 17/02/2018 21:40

if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

Speechless.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 21:42

What are you scared of losing? He doesn’t sound that present in your life as it stands. Locate your self respect and tell him to fuck off to Spain. Don’t wait around for him to tell you what’s happening with your life.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 21:43

By the way I can tell you now, you and your daughter will never make it to Spain. He will fob you off with reasons why you can’t come yet and either you will fed up waiting and end it with him or he will just start ghosting you.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 21:48

In answer to a few of the questions, I assume I will go for a month, if it lasts that long. I love him so much but I got so frustrated with him sometimes because he does take the dominant role. I'm just scared as I have depression and anxiety, I've most defiantly lost myself and have no confidence at all. I feel like apart from my daughter he is all I've got.

OP posts:
PrimalLady · 17/02/2018 21:50

But you don't have him. Hes leaving you to go to another country.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 21:51

I've most defiantly lost myself

Do you think your self is in Spain? Perhaps you think it’s hidden in his shadow?

Tell him to do one. Your self Is inside you and you don’t need him to tell you what your self should be doing. He is dominating? Who would have guessed that? Wink do you want to be dominated?

overduemamma · 17/02/2018 21:54

There's no way I'd up root my life to potentially be told no I don't want you sorry. Leave him now before he goes!

Josuk · 17/02/2018 21:55

OP - why do you call him your ‘partner’????
He is a father of your child, and a visiting man who has sex with you (I presume)....
Other than that - what sort of stuff does he do that makes him you ‘partner’?
Lives with you and his child? Shares care responsibilities for the child? Supports and loves you? Makes you happy? Makes life decisions (job, living locations) taking into account this supposed ‘partnership’???

Ask yourself what you actually get from ‘having’ him - and you’ll see.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 21:59

@PhelanThePain

Not really, but I want him, and I can't imagine life without him. Even though we've tried everything I just keep thinking once I go therapy (which it really need) and get some help things will be so much better and we will be happier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 22:00

@Josuk

I've never thought about it like that. I mean I feel glad to have him, as I live far away from family and he drives he gives me lifts and pays child maintenance and is lovely on occasions.

OP posts:
DeniseBest · 17/02/2018 22:00

OP, I think you will find yourself once you get rid of this man.
He's playing on your feelings and thinks he's calling the shots. End the relationship before he moves to Spain, don't let him think he left you. Get the ball back into your court.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 22:03

Not really, but I want him

Raise your standards. Want something better. Something worthy of your commitment, your energy and your devoted love. This guy is doing nothing to deserve having a whole other human being hand their life over to him to do with as he pleases.

I’m struggling to see what it is you want from him? He doesn’t do anything beneficial for you.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 22:05

I suspect you’re depression will subside and your self confidence will resurface when this waste of space is gone from your life.

You don’t need him for lifts. There are buses and taxis and trains for that. Discover your independence and self reliance. It’s incredibly liberating.

GrockleBocs · 17/02/2018 22:07

What were you like before you ever met him?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 22:10

@GrockleBocs

I was quite independent but I was only 16 so quite vulnerable. This is all I've known but I truly am in love with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 22:13

If I'm honest I really can't see myself ever breaking up with him

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 17/02/2018 22:17

You may well be in love with him but sadly I don't hear anything to say he's in love with you. And nothing you say or do, no waiting or therapy, will change that. I know. I spent a long time trying to be the person my on/off bf wanted. Every time I tried he moved the goalposts until I was a mess and he despised me even more.
It was many years ago and I still cringe a little at myself.
I got over him and got myself together and life improved immeasurably.

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 22:19

Oh well just get on with it then, it’ll Be fine. Might be quite nice to be relieved of the burden of living your own life. Must be like being a pet.

newmum2018385 · 17/02/2018 22:21

OP you are still so young and sound so vulnerable and isolated. I've got a feeling your anxiety is caused by him. Whilst it will feel hard, the way he is treating you and DD is unacceptable. You said your family don't live near you. Did you move away to be with him? If so could you not move back closer to your family? Be strong for DD you both deserve better

PatriciaHolm · 17/02/2018 22:22

But you're not "with him". He doesn't care about you, or your child, at all. Please think about that. You and your child deserve much more.

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