I am so scared

[Mummyanne]

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

Let's imagine for one moment that he goes off to Spain and ghosts you, would you think of moving back to be nearer your family? You've never lived near them as an adult presumably. Most of us clash with our parents as teens.

@GrockleBocs

I've never really had a strong bond with them due to problems with them when I was younger. They're always arguing and morning and it me it drives me insane makes my anxiety 1000x worse

Therapy doesn’t work for depression and anxiety if the source of that is the clients current relationship which is perpetuating it. You just end up going round in circles. Don’t expect therapy to make him love and value you more than he does, because the problem here isn’t you/your mental health. It’s the dysfunctional relationship you’re in. Therapy at this point will be like shovelling snow while it’s still snowing.

You've completely ignored what I've said. So you obviously are not really wanting any advice. You just want to be told that it's all ok and you should go along with it.

You won't make it to Spain. He's playing you. I'm so sorry but that much is obvious

OK that explains partly why you're clinging on to this man like a drowning woman to a deck chair. But that's not a relationship. And it's not going to make you happy.
I'd suggest you start planning seriously for him not being around. You can't spend your dd's life waiting to be a family. You are all she can depend on and you need to build friendships and support networks either where you live now or where you're from. Not in Spain though.
At what point would you accept he doesn't want you? Would you let him see other women? Live with them? Marry someone else? And if you are in Spain where your child is habitually resident he could keep her in Spain possibly. You'd be stuck there for years.
You have a duty to your dd not to fuck up.

You are not in love with him, you are dependent on him. There is a huge difference. What does he bring to your life?

As a mum, you are expected to take responsibility and make decisions in the best interests of your daughter. Not put her future in the hands of someone who doesn’t care and has a history of abuse.
If you have to come back to the uk alone will he find accommodation for you and child and continue to pay for you both?

then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

OP, I would be scared if I put myself in this situation too.

He is basically inviting you to perform for him and be exactly what he wants you to be and do exactly what he wants you to do, with the punishment for not doing so being that you lose your security and have too uproot your life again and move back to the UK. This means there's much more motivation for you to do as he says as you'll have completely isolated yourself and will be even more dependent on him.

I know it's hard when you have no-one else to rely on but this 'relationship' sounds decidedly unhealthy and imbalanced and in giving yourself a tiny sliver of a chance of someone to love you, you risk subjecting your child to a lot of upheaval and insecurity.

I hope your recognise he's an arsehole before you uproot your life and child on his orders.

HQ have contacted me to say they see nothing of concern behind the scenes with this thread so I have asked for my last post to be removed and I apologise to OP for any upset I caused. I hope you get the suport you need to leave this abusive relationship. You have a lot of life left to live, none of it needs to be spent being abused.

It's all about though, how do I take that leap from being so de endangered on someone to being all alone. I've always had people to rely on

Believe in yourself and take the big step and then take each day as it comes.
You are already living alone?
You are more than half way there and will be better once you are able to see that you and daughter are managing ok without dealing someone trying to control you.
Your confidence and self esteem sound very low.
But you can do it.

@eggncress

I think it's just the fact that I know he's there if anything goes wrong. Also the fact that we do have some lovely times every time I think of him not being here or us being apart I have like a panic

I understand you feeling this way if this is what you have grown used to. However he is not exactly going out of his way to reassure you that he wants to be with you and your daughter. If someone truly loved you they would’ve putting you at ease rather than make you feel stressed and scared about the future.
You maybe need to take a step back and think about this in your own time.
Being told by others that your partner is an arse is hard to accept.
You will have had good times too... it’s part of the cycle of abuse that makes you not want to leave him.
You can cope without him.You just don’t realise this at the moment.

how do I take that leap from being so de endangered on someone to being all alone.

By separating from him, he is keeping you dependent through intermittent reinforcement.

By building yourself a life that is for you and doesn’t include him - education/work, friends and hobbies.

every time I think of him not being here or us being apart I have like a panic

That is not love. Since he is abusive that is codependency. Love should make you more confident in being independent.

Please talk this over with women’s aid.

What if after your daughter was born YOU said you would like to move to Spain on your own?
If you did that, not only would your partner not stand for it, child protective services would be called and you be be labelled a bad mother.
This is the patriarchy at its finest.
Men believing they can just bugger off and leave their partner and daughter?!?? Nope!

On a practical note, if you are in social housing make sure you don't give it up to go to Spain. There are too many families living in temporary accommodation in the uk to guarantee you would be housed again if you return. Also, make sure you let benefit providers know you are moving but be prepared for your benefits to change if you move back again.

You don't want to hear any of the advice you've been given on this thread but your partner treats you so badly, you should at least make sure you keep a roof over your dd's head.

Op as someone who was a teenage mum too, I also had a hell of a lot of mental healthy problems, being a mum is hard, but your daughter needs you.

This man isn't there for you. It might feel like it, but he isn't. No person who is worthy of the name father or partner just fucks off to Spain on a whim and might decide he doesn't want you and his daughter there. HE IS NOT A GOOD PERSON.

And sadly, this is harsh advice, but you need to grow up. It sucks. Believe me, it fucking sucks. But I am a mum. My children are my priority, and if that means I have to deal with everything by myself because that's what is best for them, I do it. There are days I think 'why isn't someone looking after me', but you just have to get on with it. And you get stronger. And it gets better.

You need to grow up. He doesn't love you or even care for you. And you know that he doesn't. You really do know it deep down, by you are scared and don't want to admit it because the reality hurts.

But I promise you, I promise you 1000% he doesn't love you, he will never want you to live with him in Spain, you will be better by yourself. And most important, your daughter will be better.

Do not let her see you accept so much disrespect and so little consideration. So no let her grow up to know that her father chose his own amusement over his daughter and her mother.

Be strong. The family nurse partnership is amazing. They can and will support you.

Do not continue to kid yourself because it is going to get worse.

There is no such think as abuse being in the past. And you are letting your daughter and yourself be around a man who is violent and selfish.

Do the right thing and grow up.

He's likely going to meet other women once he's over there anyway

You'll be out of sight and out of mind!

Have you ever met his dad who lives in Spain?

How do you even know he will throw open his house to his son, his son's girlfriend and his grandchild?

He probably has his own life there with all the complications too. let's not even get into the Brexit coming up

Just because it's Spain, it doesn't mean it's a 24/7/365 holiday! (My sister lives there).

You are very naïve if you think you can just up and leave to Spain with no money behind you, I presume you don't speak Spanish, how will you work and take care of your child there? The unemployment in Spain is huge and that's for locals!

He would take me to work with him so I didn't have to be on my own

So, this is the crux. You need to start to live life independently. Be o.k. with being on your own. Not daring to be alone exposes you to all kinds of weirdos who do NOT have your best interests at heart!

You owe it to yourself and your child. Wishing you all the best.

@Iflyaway

It's actually Gibraltar we're going to, and his dad doesn't live in Spain he just wanna end a house for holidays. His dad is very successful and is with his son tonight to go over every detail to make sure we're ok

But it's making sure you are ok is it.

He said that if he doesn't want you there he will send you home. He has absolutely zero commitment for anything other than himself.

Why are you ignoring that?

*its not making sure you're ok

His dad is not ‘making sure we’re ok’. Your DD’s dad is making sure his dad will arrange his move.

If it was about making sure you and DD were ok you would be invited to the discussions wouldn’t you so that you can set out what kind of stuff you need help with...

And you’d have really looked into all of the practicalities such as work, healthcare, education and moving costs so that you could negotiate with his dad about things like how much rent you will pay, how much you have saved for the move and how long you expect to need to stay in his holiday home...

I’m not at all confident that he won’t say to you ‘come over’ when he gets a bit lonely over there and realises it will take him time to train a replacement lap dog...

As soon as he says ‘come over’ you will go there full of hope and joy and without having given any thought to your DD.

I'm going to ask him if he can see what's it like living with me here so I don't have to travel there to be disappointed