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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:
Graphista · 18/02/2018 00:28

Jesus! Wanna rescue you both even more now!

This is NOT love, it's NOT acceptable behaviour at all.

You need therapy urgently, and support to end this relationship and KEEP it ended, for you and your child's sake.

DO NOT follow him to Spain. That would be a disaster.

You sound very immature and naive, no mention of family. Were you in the care system?

Offred · 18/02/2018 00:31

If you go to Spain for more than three months you will not be considered habitually resident on return and would not be able to claim housing/income benefits for 3 months, with no family here to take you in how would you house your dd?

Plus if you go to Spain he will ramp up his abuse, he may well impregnate you again, not because he will want the baby but because it will keep you dominated, and you will be trapped.

Have you explained to the HV FNP that he is continuing to emotionally abuse you and that he is now talking about moving to Spain and you and the baby going with him? Or are you covering for him and minimising his behaviour because you are afraid of safeguarding?

Offred · 18/02/2018 00:33

Plus, yes you are a risk to your DD if you haven’t even considered where you will live, how your DD will have access to healthcare and how you will be housed/supported...

Offred · 18/02/2018 00:34

It isn’t something you need to ‘discuss’ BTW. You can’t trust a man who blows hot and cold, hits you periodically and wears away your self confidence so you need to make your own plan and do your own research if you are considering this move.

Offred · 18/02/2018 00:35

Have you thought about what will be the best thing to do for DD?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:40

@Offred

I would not go anywhere even if I was too, before everything was planned. I haven't really thought about it but I'm just hoping he changes his mind to stay here. I know that financially even if it was him earning our daughter would be ok. She knows of the past abuse and the way he treats me now she advises me to stay in the fourth and if I must just go on holidays but then said it's up to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:41

Plus it's been ages since the incident happened and he's got help

OP posts:
Offred · 18/02/2018 00:48

This is the problem with ‘help’ for abusive men. Are you aware that all the studies on interventions for abusive men show that it doesn’t stop them from being abusive, all it does is convince women to stay with them and in some cases it actually teaches them to be better at covering up their abuse?

Offred · 18/02/2018 00:50

You’ve only been together 2 years so it is not ages BTW.... it can be 10 years between incidents of physical abuse with lots of emotional, financial and sexual abuse in between times...

robertaplumkin · 18/02/2018 00:50

you are well rid OP. he can't fix your self esteem but you can and one day you'll think thank fuck i didn't go chasing around after that idiot.

Offred · 18/02/2018 00:54

He is planning to go in April, when exactly are you planning on even giving a cursory amount of consideration to how you would actually support your daughter if you did go?

It’s not good enough for her to just say you know she would be alright even if it was just him working because you don’t even know whether he’d support you both, he has basically told you he won’t...

RosemaryHoight · 18/02/2018 01:24

So leaving aside the relationship side.

What is he going to do for a job in Spain?

How will he support the three of you?

Could you work there?

Do you actually want to live in Spain? Learn Spanish?

Then back to the relationship, he sounds like he is horrid to you, you would be so much happier when you know it's over and you can just focus on you and your dd. Both so young, you really have it all in front of you.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 01:27

I'm just so scared to let go tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 01:28

I love him and I can't help but feel (due to my anxiety&intrusive thoughts) that'll regret it and I'll miss out on something that maybe we could have had once we're both better I just bring myself to end it, we're yet to discuss the specifics of Spain however he would go out first for a month to sort things

OP posts:
RosemaryHoight · 18/02/2018 01:38

Well let him go to Spain then, whether he has a job or not. If he can't assure you that you will have shelter, food and health insurance- not sure on the Spanish health system-but you can't be scared to take dd to the doctor for an ear infection or worse.

Then still don't go. He can leave you. Would you do that to him? He's horrible to you, you deserve better.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 01:54

Tbh, he did use to do a lot for me. He would take me to work with him so I didn't have to be on my own, he would take me with him to his friends. He would spend time indoors with me and I think it got to much. He was around me so much and I never appreciated it and now he wants to do what he wants to do

OP posts:
Rarity75 · 18/02/2018 01:55

Right so you love him. Great. How about DD? You love her right?

At the end of the day your DD is a vulnerable child who needs a roof over her head, food in her stomach, emotional security and a strong parent.

Your boyfriend is a dreamer heading of on a whim to Spain. Not only that he has a history of abusive behaviour when stressed.

So now you are in a foreign country where you don’t have any support. Housing and earning a living wage will be urgent priorities. How long before he gets stressed? How long before you get sent home and have no access to housing or benefits? How long until you and your DD are hungry?

You are young but you are old enough to have had a child. That changes everything. What you want is no longer the most important thing. Your child is. Give yourself a shake. Let him go. Get into college, invest in being a better person and parent. Your happy ever after will come. But it isn’t going to be in Spain.

MotherofaSurvivor · 18/02/2018 02:00

He's moving to Spain to get away from you/escape Maintenance payments (can actually still usually be sought via a different agency but not many people realise this) and he's using the 'come with me AFTER I've gone' to mask these facts so that you don't figure this out until he's gone.....
You will NOT be asked to join him OP. It won't happen. He will disappear and maintenance payments will suddenly stop appearing in your bank.... Then communication will suddenly stop.

Please open your eyes!!!

Rarity75 · 18/02/2018 02:09

I once had to make a difficult choice about a relationship. I left after ten years. What gave me the the strength was my child.

In the morning look at her, I mean really look at her. Look into her eyes. She loves you unconditionally you are her mummy, the only one she gets. She has no choice in the matter. You however have a choice. Make the right one. And it isn’t being with him. Children adapt to new situations but they are damaged by volatile parental relationships.

It’s time to grow up, you might think you love him but he isn’t putting you and your child first. Move on with dignity and find who you are before you think about another relationship.

Offred · 18/02/2018 08:27

Tbh, he did use to do a lot for me. He would take me to work with him so I didn't have to be on my own, he would take me with him to his friends. He would spend time indoors with me and I think it got to much. He was around me so much and I never appreciated it and now he wants to do what he wants to do

All part of his controlling and abusive behaviour designed to make you dependent on him. It wasn’t to help you or because he loved you.

Again, re moving to Spain, so what you haven’t discussed with him how you and dd will live? Why haven’t you looked into benefits, healthcare, housing, employment, schools, childcare, taxes etc? Have you learned any Spanish? Have you put away any money for the move; bringing yours and DD’s things over, the flights, a cushion fund for living off when you get there?

You are relying on a man who abuses you (emotional abuse, control and periodic assault) to do that for you?

My abusive BF from when I was your age also ‘went to spain’ without me. He went to be a holiday rep and he did as much shagging around as he possibly could for as long as he could before he got fired and came back to live off me again.

Is he planning to be a holiday rep? In which case, yes he absolutely is trying to get away from you and there is no way he will invite you over...

He probably will come back and keep using and abusing you though...

Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 09:02

@Offred

He's going over just to live. He used to live there as a child/teenager. His dad owns a home over there in which he will be staying in whilst looking for a permanent home. His dad has a lot of connections in which he's looking into working with one of those. He apparently originally wanted to go out in April but nothing is planned yet. So I assume he will be waiting and planning things. Ok not sure but I know he is going out and getting settled first but idk yet.im just confused

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 18/02/2018 10:17

Do you get on with your family?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 10:25

@GrockleBocs

Yes kind of, we clash and we're not very close

OP posts:
PrimalLady · 18/02/2018 10:30

No. Sorry. You might not appreciate the comments about your child, but as you're not thinking of her at all someone has to tell you.

If he has accommodation sorted he'd take you with him and let you soak in the area and decide that way before you make any final decisions. He is either going to go and leave you behind, or take you with him and you and your daughter will be even more isolated, in a foreign country and the abuse will start again.

PrimalLady · 18/02/2018 10:32

Do you realise how expensive school will be too? Medical care? Is he going to be paying these for you and your daughter?

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