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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:

Report

mimibunz · 17/02/2018 22:24

This thread makes me so sad.

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 22:26

I mean, he says he loves me and I do believe him because why would he lie? I just can't imagine myself happy tbh, or without him. It's so hard as I've never known otherwise I'm not sure how to get out of this rut I'm in with life to help myself become happier and find out who I am and what I want.

OP posts:

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 22:26

@mimibunz

Why?

OP posts:

Hotdoggity · 17/02/2018 22:27

If this relationship was worth saving, this man would be bending over backwards to accommodate having his family with him and be so grateful for the selfless sacrifice you were making. That’s what a partner who loves you would do. He sounds awful.

Graphista · 17/02/2018 22:31

So you're only 18? Had baby at 16/17?

Where are your family in all this?

If you were my dd I would be doing all I could to distract you and show you you're better than this guy. You deserve better and so does your child.

Are you getting support from any other sources? Health visitor? Dr?

Honestly I just want to give you a massive hug and tell you that you will look back in a few years and realise you're so much better off without him.

Is he young too?

GrockleBocs · 17/02/2018 22:31

Why would he lie? Brutally? You're there on hand and it's easy. And he's off to live in Spain soon so why bother actually breaking up and rocking the boat?
He's not committed to you and there is your problem. The root of your insecurity, anxiety and hopelessness.

PrimalLady · 17/02/2018 22:36

He says he loves you because he knows youll believe him and let him carry on treating you like his a relatives dog that you get mild enjoyment out of taking to the park every so often.

Graphista · 17/02/2018 22:37

I'm so sorry but why would he lie? Sex, so you don't question his lack of commitment...

Josuk · 17/02/2018 22:41

OP - you don’t have a partner.
And this man doesn’t love you.
He is running away from you - no one in an actual loving relationship would do it this way.

So - good thing is that you are young and you’ll figure out a way, once he is out of the picture.

MrsElvis · 17/02/2018 22:42

You deserve more than "lovely on occasion"

Josuk · 17/02/2018 22:43

Forgot to also say - paying child maintenance and giving you lifts fort not make him anything....definetely not a partner...
Not even a good father

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 22:46

@Graphista
He is young too, he's 22, I'm 19 I gave birth when I was 17.

It breaks my heart hearing this because I do genuinely believe he loves me. I'm a pain too. I'm clingy and I used to never want him to go on nights out cause I was scared he wouldn't come home.

We've made mistakes like I was slightly unfaithful in the first couple of weeks and he was abusive at one point but I forgave him because of my accidents right at the start and that makes me feel bad like things are my fault. We've had a daughter together and been through a lot, were engaged and I'm just so in love and I like to think he is too.

OP posts:

Hotdoggity · 17/02/2018 22:49

But... your frame of reference is so limited. Believe me when I say that a loving partner would be delighted, relieved and grateful to have his family move to the place he wanted to be.

PatriciaHolm · 17/02/2018 22:53

If he actually loved you, he wouldn't be even thinking of moving to Spain without you. Don't you see that? It wouldn't even enter his mind. He doesn't love you. He likes having you around because it makes him feel good, having a devoted slave around.
He certainly doesn't value you as a human being.

You and your daughter deserve so much more.

PrimalLady · 17/02/2018 22:55

How are you under any kind of illusion that he is "so in love"?

This isn't love. I've been talking about moving country. We have no children together, we have no obligations towards each other and could walk away tomorrow with no complications.

He still wants me there. We talk about realistic time scales and ideas for jobs, our reasons for doing so.

He also cares about me enough that he would not in a million years do this with me if I were just wanting to follow him with no regard for my own life, health or stability.

Offred · 17/02/2018 22:57

Abusive in what way?

Also, you were 16... of course you weren’t totally faithful in the first couple of weeks!

Oh my love, I wish I could put all of my hard earned life experience into your brain so that you understood that the reason you feel so directionless is because being with him has stifled your natural development.

Offred · 17/02/2018 22:58

He physically abused you didn’t he?

eggncress · 17/02/2018 23:00

Why would he lie ?
So he can continue to use you for sex whenever it suits him. He recognises your vulnerability and knows he can get away with manipulating you.
You deserve better and so does your child.
If he loves you he wouldn’t be off to Spain on his own. He’d be including you in his future plans no matter what. And he definately would not be entertaining the idea of sending you back to the uk on your own.
He sounds like a right horror !
Sorry, you really should pluck up the courage to dump him. You may then find he starts grovelling to get you back but just stand your ground.That alone should give you a bit of a confidence boost.
You think you need him but you really don’t .

mimibunz · 17/02/2018 23:00

mummyanne because you deserve better. And so does your DD. This man brings nothing to the table and does nothing to improve your life.

GrockleBocs · 17/02/2018 23:01

You're clingy because he's pulling away. But you can't cling hard enough to keep someone who doesn't want to be held.

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/02/2018 23:09

OP the fact that he doesn't want to live with you here, never mind Spain should be screaming loud and clear what his agenda is.

He has already checked out of any "relationship" you have had and getting away with not taking on the responsibility of day to day care with your DC.

What an absolute arsehole!!

I just cannot get over the telling you to come home if he doesn't want you or his child there.

I am gobsmacked at his cheeky fuckery! I am so angry on your behalf now you need to do the same.

Best of luck

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/02/2018 23:10

Also Meant to say.....Just WHO the fuck does he think he is?!!!!!!

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Hotdoggity · 17/02/2018 23:13

You will be in a new country without any familiar support. You’ll feel vulnerable. And when you feel like that, you’ll cling to him and things could become even more disfunctional. There is a massive power imbalance in your relationship and it will get so much worse if you go.

LadyB49 · 17/02/2018 23:21

Oh dear God..... He's ta!king crap. Does he work and has He a job to go to in Spain. Does he pay for baby?

If/when he goes to Spain what are his plans? Does he have an address beforehand. A job to go to.?

Has he mates out there and will it be party time?

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/02/2018 23:22

Another thought OP. He says he hates you being clingy, imagine how he will feel about you trailing round Spain after him like a little desperate puppy.

PLEASE, PLEASE do not allow this person to take your dignity in that way

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