Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:
Offred · 18/02/2018 20:38

If he wanted to live with you he would.

He doesn’t want to. He wants to move to Spain without you.

Offred · 18/02/2018 20:39

And not even just spain... as far away from you, but still within the free movement area, as he is able to go...

Offred · 18/02/2018 20:40

And you don’t have to travel there at all!

LondonHereICome · 18/02/2018 20:42

Well you'll lose all your benefits and your independence if he moves in

Will he support you all?

Offred · 18/02/2018 20:43

He lives with his parents doesn’t he? And he is planning to move to one of their houses in Gibraltar?

Why would he want to move into your home where he would be responsible for contributing to your rent and bills when he can mooch off his parents?

Offred · 18/02/2018 20:51

You can’t make him care about your feelings or welfare or love you. He doesn’t respect you so he will have no qualms about fucking things up for you if he feels like it.

You may feel like you desperately love him but you need to love yourself and your dd more and stop making him the absolute centre of your life.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 21:06

When speaking to him earlier on the phone he said he really wants to give us a shot and really loves me

OP posts:
mamahanji · 18/02/2018 21:26

If that was remotely true, he wouldn't be fucking off to Gibraltar with a massive middle finger to you and his young child!

Please have some self respect and strength. Even if it's not for you, for your kid.

Don't let him screw her over just because you refuse to see the massive lack of care he shows you both.

MadMags · 18/02/2018 21:34

Look, he’s not going to “send for you” or whatever the plan is.

You need to start planning a future without him.

Do you have qualifications? Have you gone to college? Uni? What do you want to work at?

Offred · 18/02/2018 21:45

He says he loves you and wants to give it a shot... well what is he doing to show you that that is how he feels?

Talk is cheap... talk that says one thing and actions that say another are intermittent reinforcement as part of a pattern of coercive control.

Offred · 18/02/2018 21:48

What is he doing off his own back I mean? Without you pestering and cajoling him and being needy...

Is he giving up the spain plan and looking for a property to rent near where you live?

Has he stopped being nice one minute and nasty the next?

Is he encouraging you to build a social life and get treatment for your MH problems?

No, he’s going off to live in his dad’s house in Gibraltar....

eggncress · 18/02/2018 21:51

OP... let him go to his dad’s but say that you won’t be going to meet him as it’s too much upheaval and uncertainty for you and your daughter.
Tell him your daughter is a priority for you and she comes first.
Show him you are prepared for a life without him.
Show him that you ,not he,will control your life from now.
He wants to ‘give us a shot’ ... this implies he can try you out and discard you and your poor daughter if things don’t go his way.( if he feels he is forced to face his responsibilities.)
The way he is talking to you, about you, is a huge red flag in itself.

Offred · 18/02/2018 21:52

It’s perfectly possible for someone who doesn’t have the capacity to really love anyone to say and mean ‘I really love you’ but whether that is good enough or not depends on what they do to show commitment, loyalty, care, honesty, respect, consistency, consideration, empathy and tolerance and to avoid hurting you.

Bah123 · 18/02/2018 21:57

Oh sweetheart, I just want to scoop you and your daughter up and take you away from that man.
I really understand how you are feeling. I became a mum at 19 to a man who I met at 17. He was my absolute world. I came from a very difficult home life and I saw him as my rescuer. I put my heart and soul into him and our child. He had an affair when our child was a baby and left. But he didn’t let me move on. We got back together eventually and had more children. I moved away from family. He kept having affairs, I kept forgiving him because I loved him and thought I couldn’t be without him.
I finally told him to leave last year. He hurt me and our children so badly (not physically abusive) and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. Since he’s been gone I have realised I wasn’t able to be me. He called the shots and I let him. My whole life had to fit around him.
My children and I are far happier now.

To people calling the OP immature, silly, bonkers, she’s 19 for heavens sake. She’s barely an adult. She’s on her own and this man is the only person she can see who will be there for her.
Of course he won’t be, but when you are 19 and a mum too, it’s so hard to risk going it alone.

OP, if you were my daughter/sister/friend I would be encouraging you not to be with him. You can do it. Focus on your daughter and yourself.

Take care of yourself x

Bah123 · 18/02/2018 21:59

Also OP, mine was/is very charming. He can be really lovely but that just masked the other stuff. I am a very different person now!

Original poster
Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 22:04

@Bah123

But he just makes me feel like I'm the one to blame and that we're so in love!!

I asked him to stay with me at like for a couple of weeks to see how it's goes instead of going all the way to Spain. He thinks that things will be different in Spain and I said why and he said it's a different lifestyle and we tried it here and it didn't work and he's refusing to stay with me. I asked his mum for advice and she's ignoring me

OP posts:
Offred · 18/02/2018 22:08

Yes, it will be different in Spain.

In Spain you will be totally trapped and completely dependent on him. You won’t be able to seek support because you don’t know or aren’t entitled to the services.

Bah123 · 18/02/2018 22:15

Mummyanne

You could be talking about me! I was always the one in the wrong, he always did everything right. Quite clearly I wasn’t and he wasn’t, but my self esteem and confidence dropped so low that I believed that. I wasted 27 years of my life with him. Yes I think he did love me and he loves our children but neither I or our children were as important as himself.

Offred · 18/02/2018 22:17

He’s highly likely to move there, and to ask you to move over there IMO.

If you do go it will be the biggest mistake you could make.

This man thinks the problem with your relationship is that you are not subjugated enough. Given how subjugated you are already this is frightening.

PrimalLady · 18/02/2018 22:18

Definitely different.

No financial help from the government. Medical bills/insurance required. You need to be able to depend completely on yourself and if he doesn't provide how on earth will you do it? If you can't answer that, if you can't take care of yourself alone then you are going to end up in a bad situation and the poor child who is apparently not important here will suffer most. 19 or not you are responsible for that child and she is worth more consideration than this.

Bah123 · 18/02/2018 22:18

You really don’t see it clearly until you are out of it.
Please don’t waste your life on him. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, with love, respect and kindness.

Bah123 · 18/02/2018 22:21

I agree that, despite being only 19, you do have to prioritise your daughter in this.

Offred · 18/02/2018 22:23

Do you have/have you had SC involvement after the physical abuse?

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 22:50

What a frustrating thread.

I'm a single mother of three children. It is not easy, but it is very simple: you put your children first.

It is NOT always easy to implement that. BUT it IS easy l to understand that your children deserve NOT to be in the middle of an immature relationship crisis.

It would be very prudent for you to look at the advice you've been offered, and put your child's needs at the centre of this situation.

eggncress · 18/02/2018 23:16

The fact his mum is ignoring you. Does that not ring alarm bells for you as well ?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread