I am so scared

[Mummyanne]

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

[CowesTwo]

You asked for advice. You got bucket loads of excellent advice, but all you can do is continually talk about how much you love him. I really think everyone has wasted their time on this, as you just ignore the advice, and certain questions you have avoided. People will lose patience with you.
Why is your main focus not your baby? My mother had me when she was 16 and she had to grow up pretty damn fast as her parents through her out of the family home (this was a long, long time ago) because of the 'shame' she had brought on them. She put me first, and went through some horrible times as her boyfriend didn't want anything to do with her and their baby (me).
And if you are going to sleep with people, get yourself some birth control for goodness sake.

[Arrowfanatic]

You don't love him. You're obsessed with him but you don't love him.

You need to grow up, you're not a child anymore. You're a mother now, start acting like one and kick that man to the curb once and for all.

Start focussing on your daughter and how you can improve her life. Love her more than your infatuation with him.

Once again YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. This is all a teenagers fantasy with a defenceless child stuck in the middle. Grow up and do the right thing before you damage her.

[PinkChestnut]

I was obsessed and "in love" with my first serious boyfriend at your age OP. I was with him for over 5 years and now in my early 30s I barely remember him! Felt like he was my world at the time but he really wasn't.

Try and take some time to yourself and block this waste of space boy. You need to get back in control of your life and be a strong mother for your little girl. You can and will do it.

Wishing you strength and happiness

[mamahanji]

How are you getting on Op? I've been thinking of you and your dd and hoping things are settling down for you both now.

[Mummyanne]

@mamahanji

I'm ok. Getting though it I now realise what an Asshole he is! And he's threatening to take my daughter away which he won't go through with and even if he does he won't get no where and is annoyed because there are men trying to talk to me (I'm not interested) and he's taking everything out on me. I still care but I'm glad we're not together anymore. My daughter is doing well we're working on her anxiety when she's away from me and she's happy

[mamahanji]

I'm so pleased you can see him for what he is. And my god, it's hilarious that a silly little boy that plans on leaving the country and his daughter behind, suddenly now you're not dancing to his tune anymore thinks he's fit to be the main parent? They'd laugh at him.

You can still have feelings for someone but not like them and not want to be with them. They do fade though. I found it best to every time I let myself think of them about things we used to do or things I miss about them, I forcibly stop myself and push them out of my mind.

Your daughter will be fine. And things will start to look up now you're not emotionally tortured all day by him.

How is your housing situation now? Has it settled more?

Im not trying to be nosey, I can just relate to you a lot and want to know you're doing ok.

[mamahanji]

I'm so pleased you can see him for what he is. And my god, it's hilarious that a silly little boy that plans on leaving the country and his daughter behind, suddenly now you're not dancing to his tune anymore thinks he's fit to be the main parent? They'd laugh at him.

You can still have feelings for someone but not like them and not want to be with them. They do fade though. I found it best to every time I let myself think of them about things we used to do or things I miss about them, I forcibly stop myself and push them out of my mind.

Your daughter will be fine. And things will start to look up now you're not emotionally tortured all day by him.

How is your housing situation now? Has it settled more?

[mamahanji]

Sorry for the duplicate post! The app was playing up

[Mummyanne]

@mamahanji thank you for being so kind.
I'm still in temporary accommodation but I'm on the road to getting a permanent place. All that matters is me and my daughter have a roof over our heads.

[mamahanji]

I can relate to you so much. And honestly, I found strength I didn't know I had for my daughters. And now I've found that strength, even when things are really tough, my kids are all I need to pull me through the crap.

That's great about permanent accommodation. Just remember that all your daughter needs is you. You to be there for her always and focusing on you two. You sound like you have come very far in the last few weeks so well done. Pulling away from abusive obsessive love is really hard.

He sounds like he is reeling from you not dancing to his tune anymore. I bet he is so shocked that he can't say jump and you jump anymore. Good for you. And I hope he realises that he fucked it all up for good. Just don't be surprised with how he responds to this rejection. He might say some pretty nasty things as he knows he has lost control now. Nasty little boys tend to lash out when their manhood is insulted

[Mummyanne]

I need some more advice that I would put in a spectate post but everyone on this post knows the story.

So as me and my ex broke up I started to feel about more free and could talk to other people and old friends I didn't really before. There's this boy I was speaking to and we have so much in common and he's so sweet and understanding and although he doesn't have kids he's had to take care of his parents, who's in wheelchairs and sos my dad. It's nothing serious or even anything at all but my ex doesn't really like it.

He's since come back after being so depressed it seems and is saying how he's lost without me and he really really wants it to work and he blames himself for everything and promises to change. I really wanna believe him but we've broke up so many times and it's always me wanting him back and now I don't it seems that's causing this. I'm really not sure he's coming here after work but I'm not sure what to do has anyone been through this? Also I care about the other bloke so much

[mamahanji]

Read my last post. He is grasping at straws as he is losing his control over you. He will not change and has not changed. He just doesn't want you to be anywhere but wherever he wants you. He never wanted you until he didn't have you. To the point of moving to another country and telling you multiple times he didn't love you or want to be with you and you had trapped him with your daughter.

Tell him to sling his hook as far away as he can and fuck off some more.

And do just focus on yourself and daughter. Don't start looking somewhere else. Or even if you aren't looking, just take some time for you without potentially starting something with someone else.

And stop telling him anything about your life!

[Nquartz]

Look at his actions vs his words. Not once has he actually demonstrated he loves you or your DD, cares for you, wants to actually be with you yet you believe some bullshit he's spouting because he can feel you moving on, I felt so sorry for you reading this thread but now I'm shaking my head thinking you are such a mug if you go back to him.

And seriously why are you talking to another man? Can't you just try putting your DD first & focusing on her instead of always chasing the Disney happy ending?

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

You "care about the other bloke so much" or "it's nothing serious or even anything at all"? Cos it can't be both!

As for letting your ex into your house today, I hope that has gone well and he's now long gone, but it wasn't a wise idea.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Meant to say, just because he suggests something (coming round after work) doesn't mean it has to happen.

[PatriciaHolm]

You split up what, 10 days ago? And you already "care so much" about someone else?

Honestly - you need to take a step back from relationships completely for a while. Your ex has messed with your self esteem so completely you need to concentrate on you and your daughter right now, not having cost chats with other "boys".

[Mummyanne]

He really really does feel like he's changed, he's acting a lot better and understanding and is promising me everything saying he wants to be a family but I just don't know and my point about the other lad was there's nothing between but he was there when I was down and everything my ex wasn't at one point

[Granville72]

In all honesty, take some time out from men, you don't need one for a start. Concentrate on getting yourself in a better place, physically & mentally and providing a stable home for your baby.

Bouncing from one guy to the other or bouncing back to one just because he has said some nice words you wanted to hear is not the answer.

If he really truly wants to be a family, then he will respect your wishes for some breathing space and be friends (and just friends, not friends with benefits) and be there for your daughter regardless.

Having wise older shoulders, I can honestly hand on heart say, that he has only said what you wanted to hear because he knows you have been friendly with another man and knows he stands a chance of not keeping you dangling on that piece of string. Because that is all he is doing, keeping you dangling and reeling you back in when he feels like it.

Be kind to yourself, take some time to be you, be a mum and get yourself in a better place.

[Cornishclio]

I think you need to work on your self esteem and confidence and stop looking for a boy or man to prop you up. I hope you are receiving some sort of support from social services or medical professionals as I would be very worried about your DD. You are a mother now and that means putting her first. You sound as you suffer a lot with anxiety and no doubt not having a good childhood hasn't helped but this is not normal behaviour to be so clingy and dependent on someone else when you have a toddler depending on you. Focus on getting a permanent home for your DD and for goodness sake if you are going to sleep with men you don't know very well get some contraception sorted before you bring another child into the world.

You are young and have the whole of your life in front of you and yes it is scary to do it alone but you have to love yourself first before others will. Prove to yourself and your DD you can be strong and make a life for the two of you and one day you will find a relationship which is good. It may be this boy you have just met, who knows as you don't really know him yet. As for your ex, he sounds very immature, possibly abusive and definitely uncaring and a rubbish father. You can do better. Do you have girlfriends or someone who can help support you?