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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:

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notanurse2017 · 17/02/2018 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 23:30

Ah it's so scary. I'm so in love.

@Offred
At one point but I can confirm that it no longer happens and me and daughter are NOT in danger

OP posts:

Offred · 17/02/2018 23:36

You being in physical danger is not so much what I was angling after.

If he has hit you once he will hit you again and isolating you in Spain would be the perfect time for that behaviour to get worse.

Also men who hit their partners never limit themselves to physical abuse only, they are also emotional abusers and most victims of domestic abuse report that this is the most damaging type of abuse.

Physical assaults are usually ‘minor’ in that they don’t produce serious injuries and they can be very spaced out. They are designed to maintain control as part of emotional abuse and it is very very dangerous to think ‘oh he hit me once but it was ages ago’ and that that’s the limit of his abusiveness.

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 23:38

He did a couple times but we are past that period. We was going through stuff

OP posts:

Offred · 17/02/2018 23:41

So, he has resorted to physical violence more than once?

He will hit you again if that is the case.

The only reason he isn’t hitting you now is because your self esteem is so destroyed (by him) that you are allowing him to dominate you completely.

If you were to start feeling better and having more of a life he will hit you again to bring you back in line.

Offred · 17/02/2018 23:42

(I’ve been through a horrendous amount of ‘stuff’ BTW but I have NEVER hit a partner, even when I’ve been hit, I have never hit back)

ChinkChink · 17/02/2018 23:43

How do you support yourself? Are you expected to give up where you're living for this month abroad? On what will you live? What will there be to come back to?

m0therofdragons · 17/02/2018 23:43

This isn't love. I know you think it is but love makes you feel safe and helps you be the best you you can be, knowing that even if you have a crap day and snap a bit at dp he'll be there with a hug and ice cream.

At 18 I thought I was in love. I chased him and he made me feel like I wasn't quite good enough. We constantly broke up. Then I met a man when I was 19 and we've now been married 13 years. I know that to him I am good enough. He never leaves me second guessing and I am an equal.

You are important and you need to it your dd first rather than chasing some guy who might or might not want you around.

PrimalLady · 17/02/2018 23:44

Your daughter isn't in danger?

You have an abusive manin her life, who is happy to use violence in order to makefyou submit to him..

You're planning to uproot her life to follow this man...

I'd say she's in a huge amount of danger Nd that a professional needs to intervene as you are clearly prioritising being g with an abuser over her safety and wellbeing.

Offred · 17/02/2018 23:45

If you can’t face leaving him just now, could you face counselling, trying to build up a friendship group/some hobbies/education/career development and a conversation with women’s aid?

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 23:47

I mean he does make me feel safe. And I haven't thought about what I'd be coming back to I just kind of hoped with my whole heart it will work I mean is it not worth giving it a shot I will regret it otherwise

OP posts:

PhelanThePain · 17/02/2018 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hownow39 · 17/02/2018 23:47

This reply has been deleted

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Offred · 17/02/2018 23:48

I get the impression your parents were abusive to you and this helps explain a bit about why you are so vulnerable to thinking this is love and so desperate to keep your family ‘together’/him in your life.

It is also true that you will make your own choices and follow your own path no matter what others advise you re him.

For many of us though, we have made mistakes like this and it has made our lives so much harder than you can imagine so we’re going to try urge you to take heed.

Offred · 17/02/2018 23:50

And no, if there is one thing that is absolutely certain, it is that you will never ever regret not going to Spain with him!

Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:01

I mean i just add I do have a health visitor at the moment and he's seen someone since the incident otherwise I wouldn't trust him but I don't appreciate the comments about my daughter having taken off me because I know that she is safe and I would never put her in danger

OP posts:

Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:02

@PhelanThePain

What do you mean, until they says it legit. I don't get what you are suggesting

OP posts:

Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:05

@PrimalLady

I do have professionals involved health visitors and family nurse partnership who have seen him get help and know we are safe.

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LondonHereICome · 18/02/2018 00:06

How will you just 'go to spain' then come swanning back if he doesn't like it??

What about jobs and housing?

LondonHereICome · 18/02/2018 00:06

Does he work?

Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:08

He does, yes

OP posts:

LondonHereICome · 18/02/2018 00:09

So what happens with housing? And how do you support yourself?

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Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:12

We haven't discussed this yet

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LondonHereICome · 18/02/2018 00:14

You suddenly don't have much to say for yourself

This is the reality. The practicalities..... you've gone very quiet now.

So he works and supports all 3 of you?

Mummyanne · 18/02/2018 00:15

At the moment I live in my own with my daughter and I'm a stay at home mum so I recieve some benefits

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