I am so scared

[Mummyanne]

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

[CollyWombles]

Op, I was 28 and had no idea I was being mentally abused. I was literally besotted with the guy and would have done anything to keep him. One wrong comment (in his mind) and I would be in the bad books, usually at a weekend so he could swan off for four days and ignore me.

The harder I tried to make him happy, the more it wasn't enough. He promised me we would live together but whenever the subject came up he would either pick a fight or give me a list of things I needed to change.

I ended up where you are now, on the verge of a breakdown (which subsequently did happen) so depressed that all I cared about was him, anxious to the point of being too scared to even take a shower, the attacks I got were relentless.

And all the while, because of my own hideous childhood, I felt I had no one and he was the only one that mattered.

Now, let me tell you. Love is NOT like this. Loving someone to the point of doing anything for them and thinking you can't live without them is NOT love. It's dependency, obsession, infatuation, too much belief in the movies and films.

Neither is it love keeping your partner unsure of where they stand in your life and playing games with their head, which this boy is doing to you.

There is no future here and if you think you have hit the bottom, you haven't. It can and will get a whole lot worse. You will completely lose yourself and it will take many months, even years to put yourself back together again.

He is not your rescuer, he is not your knight in shining armour. He is abusive and you have to do your best to accept that.

Unfortunately, vulnerable people attract people like him. Woman's aid really can help, my mother works for one of their places and helps women like you every single day. You have to get yourself out of this situation, however hard it is to do that. Life will only get better for yourself and your child when you do.

[Mummyanne]

@CollyWombles @Offred

How did you get over it though. I'm in a place right now where I genuinely want to remain friends as I thinks it's important as we have a daughter together and as much as we don't get on his mum helps me out and had booked me a flight to go Spain with her and the family. He says he loves us and will always be here and will speak to me everyday but that might delay me moving on as it feels we are together still but I don't wanna stop as I want to remain friends for my daughter. And I love him still

[Mummyanne]

He says he can't deal with my problems anymore as I'm putting too much on him which I get but now I'm on my own

[Offred]

NC and WA.

[Offred]

You can’t be friends with him.

[Nanny0gg]

You don't need to be friends. At the very most you could be civil. But if he carries on messing you about you don't even need that.

[Ijustwantabloodyusername]

OP, you've had amazing advice over the last couple of days.

I also agree, he may not realise he's being abusive, but, it does not make it right, or mean that you should put up with it or hold on to his every word. If you asked him why he was behaving abusive, like his Dad, how would he react?

Actions speak louder than words, and he's made it very clear that he doesn't want you or his Daughter.

Anyone can tell you what they want you to hear, but people like him are doing so in a way that is messing with your head. That is not acceptable either.

You should not stay 'friends', as he requested. There are other ways to communicate regarding your Daughter. However, I doubt very much this will continue.

You need to print this thread and show your GP tomorrow. This needs to be done first thing and they'll know how to help you from there.

[Mummyanne]

@Offred

Literally get anxious of the thought of being away from him now. I HATE the thought of him going to Spain and I miss him like crazy but he's made it very clear there's NO CHANCE of us being together EVER again and it's driving me insane I keep saying I love him but it just annoys him and he doesn't care so why is my life revolves around him right now??

[elisenbrunnen]

Why does your life revolve around him? Good question.
Why doesn't it revolve around your dd?
Why do you let it revolve around him? He is a shit, a shit father, a shit partner whose life revolves around him and only him.

There are 81 billion men (roughly ) on this planet. He is only one. IF you want, find another, better model. Otherwise, you have your dd, your own mind, and your own life.

Live it.

[SandyY2K]

@elisenbrunnen
There are 81 billion men (roughly grin) on this planet

Nothing near 81 billion men on earth...the world's population is only @ 7.5 billion
... but even with roughly 50% of that being men...OP you don't need to be putting up with this nonsense.

Get help for yourself. You just can't be dependent on another person like this and you must stand independently...get the help you need and prioritise your DD.

[Offred]

tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-intermittent-reinforcement-r210/

[Ijustwantabloodyusername]

Great link @Offred. I hope it helps to explain things clearer for you @Mummyanne ?

Have you taken any advice you've been given?

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Offred, that link is brilliant, thank you. I've posted it on the No Contact thread because I'm sure there are a lot of us who need to understand the dynamics in relationships like these.

Hope you're OK Mummyanne. Your post that says It began as I child. I went through some stuff a child should never have to do is very telling, as the link Offred posted explains, these bad relationships are all about reliving the traumas and issues we had as children, as these patterns are familiar to us.

We're constantly striving to try and fix something but these men don't hold the key, it's on us to fix ourselves and learn to be happy without someone else 'completing us'. The whole 'other half', soulmates, "you complete me" bullshit makes us believe that there is one person who can make our lives mean something. The only person who should complete you, is you.

[Mummyanne]

@elisenbrunnen

Not sure why it does? I think it's because he took some from the bad place and as much as sometimes he infuriates me SO much I just can't seem to get that in my head any other time. I'm head over heels for him in love. And still miss him like mad and would go back but I'm not sure. Will look st the link now

[Mummyanne]

He's being really petty now winding me up about girls I don't like saying he's getting with them and keeps putting me on mute and telling me I don't love him when I'm hurting because of the way he's acting. Ive never experienced any of this before

[sassymuffin]

Get help for yourself. You just can't be dependent on another person like this and you must stand independently...get the help you need and prioritise your DD.

Exactly this.

[Mummyanne]

I know I need help I'm awaiting counselling which is why I'm still writing on here for now. For support. If can't get t out of my head that we've broken up. I just keep trying and trying to get back it doesn't seem real like we need to be together I feel. I can't accept it's over. Why

[GrockleBocs]

Stop talking to him. He's an abusive twat. Stop giving him control.

[Rainbowqueeen]

If you are struggling so much with the idea that it is over maybe think of it being on hold while you get some support and focus on your own life.
It sounds to be like you've been through a lot of trauma and you need help in resolving that. Then you can be the partner that you want to be
Stay away from him for a year. Use that time to heal yourself. The freedom programme and counselling are both great ideas. At the end of a year you can reassess where you are at and where you would like to be. If you are meant to be together then a year apart will make no difference. Organise contact for him and your DD through his mum so you don't see him
Things need to change in order for you to be happy. If you feel that you are both young and confused a year will help you both gain maturity. Counselling will be so beneficial to you too

I really wish you well

[Mummyanne]

Thank you so much lovely's. He keeps changing his mind one minute he's lush and then. He's not we keep arguing and making up

[Mummyanne]

It hurts how much I love him

[Ijustwantabloodyusername]

@Mummyanne, You've asked for advice and haven't really wanted it.

Only you can sort this out, and I hope you do it soon.

Your poor Daughter is never in your thoughts, or in any of your replies. I hope she isn't neglected in this way in real life. She will remember it forever. Believe me!

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

It hurts how much I love him. It’s not love. It’s addiction. Addicts miss heroin so much it hurts too. Doesn’t mean they should keep using it. This man is toxic and he will fuck up your life and your DD’s life if you let him.

Get some support from a professional who can help you break your addiction to this toxic relationship. I know it’s hard, I’m going through similar with someone far less awful than your arsehole. You can do it, but only if you want to. While you continue to romanticise how passionate this all is you won’t be able to see that it’s just a mess.

This isn’t a movie where it all ends happily ever after. It’s your daughter’s life where she’s learning what to expect from a relationship. This guy is no romantic lead, he’s an abusive twat.

[Granville72]

You need to stop contact with him.

If he rings DONT ANSWER
If he texts IGNORE DONT ANSWER
Unless it's about our child DONT ENGAGE
Comes to your door DONT ANSWER

In all honesty, I don't think you are 'in love' with him, it's more infatuation. Don't get the two mixed up. He has absolutely zero regard or respect for you or that poor baby. Get some self respect and step away from him and start putting that baby first

[Nanny0gg]

How old are the two of you?

You are parents now, stop acting like lovesick children and care for your baby. All these silly games are taking your focus away from the most important person in all this.