Tis the season for unreason, apparently

[lilathewerewolf]

So. DP isn't as 'into' Christmas as I am and fair enough not everyone loves it, but he's said something's recently that have made me quite sad. I was joking with him two weeks ago about having to hide his present so he wouldn't find it and he looked startled and said 'oh, I haven't got you anything' - I said 'you mean yet!' and laughed but he didn't laugh. Then last night we were talking about presents for family and he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year because of bills etc' - I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills and got presents for people and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights. He looks grumpy when I suggest a tree (the house is totally bare) and doesn't want any Christmas food. He grumps about it being materialistic and now I find myself feeling guilty for hoping for a gift from him. Am I being an unreasonable materialistic cow pressuring him into a holiday he doesn't like or is he being the ultimate Scrooge? I don't know anymore.

Compromise. You're both unreasonable if you want everything all your way and don't make concessions to your spouse's wishes on how to celebrate a random cultural holiday.

He knows you want a gift and it means a lot and has time to get one, so would be mean now not to get you something. He would be mean to actively try to stop you getting a tree and cooking the meal you want to cook, or buying or baking seasonal foods.

However if you expect him to go full Christmas and actively go and buy a tree and do a special "Christmas" food shop and cook the turkey, and be the one to decorate and listen to carols every waking hour, go carol singing/ to midnight mass against his will then you are being unreasonable.

Meet in the middle. You can do as you like, he shouldn't stop you or mock you and should be graceful about eating what you offer and receiving a gift, but you've no more right to force him to fake full on new found Christmas spirit than he has to stop you.

Ew. My exh is the same. It did make me feel rubbish, as it meant I didn’t enjoy the holidays (or birthdays) at all when I was with him.

I don't expect him to do any of the Evelyn, I am doing all decorating/cooking/ etc if I am allowed. he just makes me feel like an idiot for enjoying Christmas and know that to me it isn't a random cultural holiday bc of my religion. Maybe I am Bu though for being upset he doesn't 'do' presents either. It just seems a bit thoughtless and mean.

Have a chat with him. Neither of you are wrong exactly, but you need to find a middle ground that works for both of you. Both of you should think about which bits you feel really strongly about and which bits you’re happy to compromise on.

He does sound a bit joyless tbh. Obviously he’s got a point that some people go OTT, but he needs to recognise the happy bits too - some of which are cheap/free.

Has he done presents previously?

This is something (unlike becoming emotionally abusive or lazy around the house/ turning out to be purposefully useless with the kids gradually) that you surely knew before moving in together. What did you do last year?

When two people have diametrically opposed views on something that happens every year and want to be a couple there has to be discussion and compromise, otherwise it's just a choice of which partner deserves to be miserable/ uncomfortable in order to placate the other.

Bit confused because I assumed that this was a new or new-ish relationship and this was your first Christmas but then you mentioned he said 'I don't think I have enough money to do gifts this year

Does he normally buy you a present and do you normally decorate? Did something happen that made him grumpier? I think you should just decorate the house anyway if you want to. Let him grump.

Make it clear you would like a present for him. But it doesn’t have to be a big expensive present and you’ll be happy with something small and thoughtful (assuming that’s true!).

Is this your first Christmas together.
I get why some people might not be into it, but why they don't want someone else to enjoy it I just don't understand.
Get him a copy of A Christmas Carol for his present. Then go out and spend Christmas Day elsewhere and leave him to it, sitting on his own.

*From him not for him.

How long have you been together?

If you can't/ don't talk about your differences but just try to change each other by sulking/ mocking you're doomed to rather being miserable or splitting up.

I’d be offended if DH bought me a gift at Xmas. Much prefer a thoughtful gesture at other times of the year, not the national consumer fest.

Why don't you buy gifts for other people from both of you? Then he only has to get for you. Maybe he's pulling your leg. Maybe there is something stressing him financially that you don't know about.

He shouldn't belittle you for enjoying what you enjoy. Not On.

Give him a potato

Buy him a Bah Humbug hat and make him wear it whilst you decorate your tree and put your lights up. He sounds a miserable git, but if you show him how much Christmas means to you and how much fun it can be, maybe, just maybe in a few years you will win him round.

Happy Christmas to you x 🌲☃️🌲☃️🌲☃️🌲

@Missingstreetlife
You beat me to it!

Sense of humour might be the only way to go. Let him grouse to self. Maybe send him off to a Crisis centre to serve up soup over the holidays, if he's not got the Spirit.

I wonder if there is some stress or anxiety behind all this. Financially we are not in a great position right now (will be fine soon) and the last few months I have been stressed by a very christmassy daughter. Its being making me anxious and I have been able to recognise and mostly manage this but he maybe doesn't. I too would say talk to him and work out what he can afford and explain what it means to you

Why are you paying 50% of bills when you earn so much less?

He sounds tight at best, financially abusive at worst.

' I pointed out that I earned several hundred less than him a month but had paid 50/50 for bills'

That's a far bigger problem than Christmas. As for the rest, it's your home, too. Put up a tree if you want. Personally, I couldn't live with a tight-fisted twat like this.

I'm really hoping this is a new relationship, OP. I can't believe you've already moved in, committed to a place financially, yet only now thought about what you don't have in common.

Picture yourself with this grinch and about to celebrate Xmas with your children. Is he going to be this miserable in front of them? Are you going to have to be the one to finance Xmas, including the children's presents? Is he going to make them feel as if they're doing something wrong, by getting excited about their gifts or asking for a particular gift?

Is he showing ANY signs of making an effort or is he making you feel bad about wanting a gift? As for feeling grasping, fuck that! It's Xmas, why shouldn't you want a gift from the person that supposedly lives you? What the fuck is he spending his money on, if he can't afford a bloody gift? If he's as miserable as he sounds, can you go home for xmas and have a serious think about what you expect from this relationship.

Sit him in front of a Scrooge/Christmas Carol movie.

BTY, if the person that supposedly loves you is happy for you to pay 50/50 on bills when they're earning so much more than you, you've more than Xmas to worry about. If you don't sort this inequality out, then you're going to be in for a shit time if you have kids. Who's going to pay the bills when you're on maternity? What happens if you need to cut your hours to look after the children or put them in daycare? Who pays for daycare if you decide to go back to work? What happens if you become I'll or disabled? Is he going to help or see you as a drain? Don't get any deeper into this relationship until you seriously think about these things and get deeper entwined with him.

Sounds like a prick.... he’s not buying you a gift because he’s a miserable arse but I am damn sure he will take a gift from you